By Jasmine Williams
Here’s how the secret spills: Winston blabbers to Nick, then Nick’s back starts sweating, then Jess forces the weakling to tell her the secret. Now everybody knows that Cece and Schmidt are hooking up! I’ve been waiting so long for this reveal and it didn’t disappoint. The best part was seeing Schmidt righteously grinning the entire time now that he can admit he’s getting the most action in the apartment. Win for Schmidt!
Anyway, here are five things I learned on last night’s episode of New Girl, “Secrets.”
1) Jess isn’t a fan of secrets. Understandably, she’s unimpressed that her BFF hid a secret for two months and she’s the last to know. In true awkward fashion, she literally runs away from Cece when she sees her and hides in a truck.
2) Serial monogamist Nick has been having one-night-stands with barely-legals. Sounds like a decent (albeit sleazy) situation, but he’s having trouble giving them the morning brush-off since he’s a bad liar and can’t keep a secret to save his life. He hits a new low when he asks Schmidt, now the master douchebag, for some lady help. Can’t lie, the role-play scenes between these two were quite convincing.
3) Jess wants to forbid all past and future secrets. But when she tries to open a dialogue with the guys, she ends up finding out that everyone in the house has “self-completed” while thinking of her. Yup, that’s going to make sharing a bathroom a little awkward.
Watch it here:
4) Winston taps into his inner gospel preacher and becomes the melodic voice of reason of Apartment 4D. He stops two of Nick’s hook-ups from killing each other over a left-behind circle scarf and prevents Jess from doing pretty much the same with Cece. Meanwhile, Schmidt’s still smiling like he can’t believe his luck. Neither can we, dude.
5) CeCe likes Schmidt! CeCe likes Schmidt! And nobody knows except for Jess. How the tables have turned!
By: Jasmine Williams
Is anybody else getting tired with Jess’ “I’m so socially awkward” act? It hit a new level of annoying in this episode with her whining over her rich, new boyfriend. I feel like she should walk a mile in Nick’s shoes, he’s legitimately pathetic right now.
But in other (more exciting) news, somebody (i.e. Winston) has finally found out about CeCe and Schmidt! And it involved him finding them practically mid-coitus in the back of Schmidt’s SUV and almost getting arrested by US border police. Really, would we have it any other way?
Here’s what I learned on last night’s New Girl “Fancyman Part 2.”
1) Nick has a law school friend staying over at the apartment who sexually harasses Jess and CeCe, demeans Schmidt and completes a downward dog in the span of three minutes. He also hits on undergrads. Ladies and gentleman, we have a new record for douchebaggery!
2) CeeCee is willing to be Schmidt’s sex-cretary to distract Schmidt from his work and seduce him. Seems like things are getting serious between these two if rented costumes are involved. And I now know that Schmidt has nicknamed her boobs “Harold and Kumar.” TMI.
3) Winston owns the entire Wicked soundtrack. And sings along alone in his car. To ALL of the songs. He also steals his Schmidt’s car to drive to Mexico to see his girlfriend. While I approve of his musical taste (Idina Menzel is fabulous as Elphaba), I’m not sure if the gesture is cute or creepy/stalker-like.
5) CeCe would rather sit in Schmidt’s urine than admit that they’re boinking. But she’s forced to admit it to Winston when they get caught in Schmidt’s trunk by a customs officer in a rather compromising position. Winston’s still in shock.
5) Jess’s new older beau reassures her that he wants to do her. In his buggy on the way to the picture show. Kidding. I’m just glad his daughter didn’t catch her dad and her teacher making out in a parked car like teenagers. Awkward.
By Jasmine Williams
While Jess and her new older man-friend Russell are the intended focus of this episode, I can’t help but pity Nick. He’s so broke that he weighs more than his credit score, can’t afford a phone and wears said older man-friend’s sweater to be a little more like him. The whole thing comes across as playfully self-depreciating embarrassingly delusional.
Anyway, here are five things I learned from last night’s episode of New Girl, Fancyman, Part 1:
1) Nick has a really low credit score — like 250 low — which means he must become “the guy without a phone” as an attempt to make his poverty seem less like, well poverty, and more like a lifestyle choice. Also, apparently it’s okay for sales associates to openly mock and laugh at customers with ridiculously low scores, ie Nick. That’s cold, real cold.
2) Jess has to suck up to a student’s father (Russell) because the principal doesn’t want to lose the guy’s yearly donation. Jess is all ready to chew him out and “stick it to the man” but then he helps her out when her car stalls by — wait for it — lending her his car! So much for “fight the power,” right?
Jess plans to stick it to the man:
3) Schmidt is a trivia god. In proper Shmidty form, he’s not humble about his brilliance and will probably have to invest a serious amount of cash in the douchebag jar. He also knows how to completely ruin a make-out session with his big mouth. Yes Schmidt, you were talking too much while Winston kissed his new girlfriend.
4) Winston is still a part-time nanny (remember that?) and he’s so peeved about Schmidt’s trivia prowess, that he gets the young boy he’s looking after to tutor him. Somehow his foolproof plan of memorizing random trivia questions about key subjects like “Mesopotamia” didn’t work out and Schmidt still kicks his butt. Shocker.
5) Russell is nice to Nick (the poor bartender) because he knows what it’s like to be young and broke but mostly because he’s Jess’ friend. I guess he really likes her but it’s a little suspicious that he’s compelled to give away an expensive iPhone to get a girl. Anyway, Jess and Russell have plans for a date and I can’t help but wonder whether their clashing values are going to work out.
