By Jasmine Williams
It looks like the honeymoon is over for Snooki and JWoww. After returning from a less-than-stellar vacation in Cancun, reality hits the girls hard. Snooki’s wondering whether she should live with JWoww; JWoww’s wondering if she should stay with Roger; Jionni’s wondering if Snooki will make a good mother; I’m wondering if I can rock their red hair extensions. My life needs more drama in it. Obviously.
Here’s what I learned on this week’s “Snooki and JWoww.”
1. Snooki is being a great friend to JWoww, even though JWoww wasn’t really there for her. Snooki going to Spring Break, which everybody knows is a tequila-soaked hot mess, while pregnant and therefore sober, was a bad idea. Let’s just establish that fact now. But, JWoww could have made it easier by not partying and drinking every night because that’s what good friends are for. Snooki was definitely the better BFF in this episode, consoling JWoww while her boyfriend was being a real buttface to her. And speaking of Roger…
2. He definitely crossed a line. It seems that JWoww, despite being a total fox, is really insecure. Every time Roger breaks plans with her, she freaks out and starts screaming and crying. I’m sorry, but no guy wants to hang out with that girl. But, Roger isn’t helping the situation by comparing their relationship to Snooki and Jionni’s and saying that she deserves to be with her ex. That was a low blow. JWoww might have some issues, but Roger’s making it worse by being so mean to her. This relationship needs to end and soon.
3. Snooki and JWoww are incapable of being mature, anywhere. After all of the drama, the girls let off some steam at JWoww’s cooking class. Instead of being mature adults, they giggle because the pasta they roll looks like an uncircumcised penis. And then they hit each other with it. Does anybody else feel bad for the other people in the class?
By Jasmine Williams
It’s here guys, the end of the auditions. The sun set in Salt Lake City. We’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we’ve been amazed, and now that drama has come to an end. NOT. The auditions may be over, but Vegas (or as the lucky hopefuls would put it, “VEGAAAAAS!”) is just around the corner and judging from the promos, Cat may be right in saying this will be the most dramatic Vegas week ever.
But until then, we’ll revel in the last of this season’s auditions and guest judge Adam Shankman’s theatrics. Here is the good, the bad, and the just plain wacky from the Salt Lake City auditions!
1) Whitney Carson
This girl is so young she still has braces, but her dancing is definitely not immature. There’s been a severe lack of female ballroom dancers this season, and this girl brought the heat! She reminded me of a younger Chelsie Hightower from season four. She’s young and certainly has much to learn, but has a lot of potential. Just maybe tone down the cleavage next time, I thought her partner was gonna lose an eye!
2) Lynn Gravatt
A former aerospace engineer who left the world of science and innovation to follow her three spirit guides was crazy in the best possible way. Two words: bath salts? But all joking aside, her dancing was too spastic to warrant her moving on in the competition. But as Mary Murphy pointed out, she looks happy and that’s all that matters, right? And Gravatt did have the positive message of saying that you’re life doesn’t end at 30 and you can start over whenever you would like. For a group of dancers with careers that will likely be short-lived, this is some good advice to follow.
3) Mariah Spears Read more…
By Galen Simmons
Today we mourn the passing of one Alex “Starburns” Osbourne, whose life was tragically cut short by a mobile meth lab explosion. Alex was remembered today by his fellow classmates at Greendale Community College. The students took the news of Starburn’s death as a sign of the futility of the education provided by the school. A wave of discontent and violence overtook the crowd at the memorial, led by the infamous Greendale Seven.
Using the violence as an excuse, head of security Chang coerced the Dean into allowing emergency police-state powers, which allowed Chang and his pre-teen police force to unleash a wave of their own violence.
This ultimately led to a secret takeover of the school by Chang, who replaced Dean Pelton with a compliant look-a-like. When the dust finally settled, the Greendale Seven had been expelled and the future of Greendale was placed in doubt.
With that in mind, here are five things I learned from last night’s episode, “Course Listing Unavailable.”
1) Troy doesn’t deal with death well. Apparently he has avoided the subject his entire life. At the mere mention of Starburn’s passing, Troy has a mini breakdown. Apparently, Troy also thinks Jeff can prevent people from dying by never finishing his sentence, all because Jeff said 100 people had died by the time he finished talking.
2) Starburns was prepared to die for some time. He filmed and edited a video will, and for some reason, had given Abed and Troy power of attorney. The video will also had extra action footage, for Abed and Troy to splice into the will for extra zazz. Nothing’s more exciting than a video will set to heavy rock music and the deceased acting in badly produced action scenes. Read more…