Spider-Man has an equal opportunity costume in Web of Shadows.

Ok, so for the past week or so I’ve been on a Spider-Man: Web of Shadows binge.  Nothing but web-slinging through New York, symbiotes and ass-kickery.  It has been awesome – definitely the best “comic-book superhero” game I’ve played in some time, if not ever (I wasn’t going to include comic-book just now, but then I remembered inFAMOUS and Prototype).  So that got me thinking how many bad superhero games I’ve played. That got me thinking about how much worse those games could have been if they were about even crappier superheroes – I mean, even Spider-Man 3 had Spider-Man in it, right? So, with that in mind, I’d like to present:

5 Superheroes That Should Never Be in Video Games

*disclaimer – if a game has already been made that should contain one of these characters, then there’s no need to mention it – the damage has been done.

5.  Ant-Man

The one cool thing Ant-Man ever did.

So, you can control ants.  Oh, and shrink yourself?  That’s… interesting.  I guess those are kind of neat side-powers to your main power of… oh, that’s it.  So let’s build a game around a guy who can do all these amazing things.  We could have a mission where you ruin a picnic, or have to avoid a kid with a magnifying glass and too much time on his hands.  Or maybe just slap together a bad racing game where you either run next to ants, or ride an ant against other ants.  I don’t even know if he can control red and black ants or just black ants.  You know what, Ant-Man?  Just go away.

4.  Green Lantern

It's too bad the Green Lantern couldn't use that ring to give himself a set of balls.

Ever had the feeling in a video game that you should be able to do something that you couldn’t?  Like not being able to climb something as Spidey or break something as Superman?  Well that’s what it would feel like to play a Green Lantern game.  Anything that comes my way, I’d have an idea for a “green energy _______” to stop it.  Conversely, you or anyone else could come across the same situation and have a completely different way of solving it with your “green energy _______”.  It is possible to have too much freedom in a game, but to ever play as Green Lantern you would totally need it.

Also, I hate Green Lantern.  Oh, I have a magic ring!  Choke on it.

3.  Daredevil

Ah, the bright red creature of the night.

Ah, Daredevil – not even mentioning the terrible movie starring Ben Affleck, I’ve never really cared much for the Man Without Fear.  Besides the fact that it’s kind of an oxymoron to have a lawyer as a hero of any sort, Daredevil in a game would come across as kind of a Spidey clone without the cool.  Swinging and jumping around New York fighting crime isn’t cliched at all, right? Anyway, Daredevil is kind of like a discount Dark Knight – he’s basically a blind, poor Batman with a law degree.

2.  Captain Marvel

Way to take every 10-year old's fantasy and use it to be the biggest pansy of all time.

Gradeschool by day, crimefighting by night.  That’s a lawsuit waiting to happen.  Captain Marvel is perhaps the cheesiest superhero of all time, with his powers derived from mythological figures (literally) and the word that gives him his power: Shazam!  So we basically have Superman, but his alter-ego is a 10 year old boy.  What kind of game would that be – half of it is a Superman clone, and the other is finishing your multiplication tables and going through puberty?  No thanks.  Also, any game that could or would feature a “Shazam!” button should never happen.

All five elements: earth, fire, wind, water, and cheese.

1.  Captain Planet

I’m actually trying not to laugh thinking about how terrible Captain Planet is.  Can you imagine a video game starring this flamboyantly gay, green mullet-sporting disaster of a superhero?  Would he  even bother to stop a robbery if the robbers used a hybrid getaway car?  Forget battles of epic proportions, races against time, as Captain Planet, you’ll be fighting… pollution?  Toxic waste?  Nothing?  Captain Planet saves the day, by recycling that soda can that a much cooler superhero dropped in the park on his way to deal out some actual justice.  You’d be playing a game where you have to recycle and plant trees.  No.  Probably the only good action in the game would be fighting Captain Pollution, and even then it would probably just be them waiving doilies at each other at a tea party.  On a side note, that South American kid with the Heart ring had no value to the Planeteers at all.  Terrible.

Honourable Mention:  Aquaman

Lastly, one that almost made the list is the fishy failure that is Aquaman.  I’d really, really like to go into further detail about the character, but I’d have to Wikipedia that, and nobody cares anyway.  If I wanted to play a boring aquatic game, I’d play Ecco the Dolphin again.  Although to be fair, a dolphin has more personality than Aquaman.

Although a failure as a superhero, Aquaman could have a very lucrative sushi enterprise.

Alright everyone, after this massive video game crapshoot I need to go take a shower.  If you have any other ideas for comic-book superheroes that shouldn’t ever have their own games, let me know below!  Perhaps I’ll do another installment if there’s enough craptacular characters I didn’t mention here.

Cheers!

Related posts:

1. Gamers Mind Blog: New Intern
2. Gamer’s Mind Blog: Infinite Ammo
3. Gamer’s Mind Blog: Infinite Ammo

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