This movie starring Jeremy Piven looks hilarious. Have a sneak peak below for the flick which comes out August 14th and also stay tuned for an andPOP interview with Jeremy Piven!

The Goods: Sex To Sell Cars – Watch more Funny Videos

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3. Jeremy Piven (Ari Gold) Becomes Honourary Argonaut And Gets A Kiss From One Of Them

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We all have that certain friend or family member who would always have an endless inventory of musings from working in a clothing store. Whether it’s idiotic customers, annoying coworkers or a splendiferous combination of the two our ears always anticipate the latest rambling from the often underappreciated occupation of a sales associate. Here are mine.

The “I’m God’s Gift to Women” Customer:

While a customer was in the fitting room, his friend and I were waiting outside. Moments later, the friend whispered in my ear, “Do you think Oriental girls have big (rhymes with mitts)?”

Bear in mind that this happened during my first week of work. Shocked and speechless, I sheepishly replied, “I’m not saying anything.” I then went over to the other side of the store to fold shirts as if Oprah’s Dream Bus was at my doorstep and I only had a minute to pack for a week in Chicago.

My managers didn’t know whether to react with disgust or laughter when I told them about the incident later that evening.

In another isolated case, a man (apparently possessed by the spirit of Tony Morano) strutted into the store telling me that he has a party to attend that night and had to buy an entire new outfit.

Although he was a very pleasant customer to deal with I couldn’t help but stifle a giggle at his “Saturday Night Fever” swagger and faux Brooklyn accent. Wearing a half-unbuttoned shirt that revealed a deep V of chest hair adorned with gold chains, his Sly Stallone demeanor purchased a complete outfit that would make him the most popular “playa” at the club, err, bar mitzvah.

The “I Know What You Bastards Are Up To” Customer:

Man: Are these jeans really $128?
Me: Yes. It’s because they’re limited edition.
Man: Limited to what?
Me: Not all the stores sell them and once they’re gone, they’re gone.
Man: Well isn’t that unfair.
Me: Plus the quality of the fabric is better so it’s thicker, softer and more durable than the regular jeans.
Man: (Makes blah blah blah gesture with his hand complete with eye roll.)

My coworker paraphrased what was in my mind at the time perfectly.

“Actually we just write down random numbers on price tags?”

Sir, you asked the question and I’m giving you the answer. If you’re not going to buy the jeans then go away. But I have a feeling that you still want the jeans so you fool yourself into thinking that you have foiled the marketing ploys of a transnational corporation and thus feel as though the jeans are not worthy of your MENSA mind. I know what YOU are up to.

Me: You should check out our t-shirts. They’re two for $30 and the colours really match the shirt that you’re getting.
Man: Of course you think they match, you’re getting commission.

ATTENTION ALL CUSTOMERS. We’re not all snake-oil salesmen working on commission. Our store got rid of it a long time ago because it created competition among employees and they were one pair of sandblasted loose fit jeans away from strangling each other with $19.50 canvas belts. We get paid whether we sell 5 000 outfits or a single pair of defective boxers at half price. We (well, most of us anyways) actually care about your appearance and want to make you look good. Clothes in a clothing line obviously match each other so we naturally make recommendations.

The “I’ve Seen Better Stores Than This” Customer:

I can’t even count the number of times when a customer would ask if we have any shirts like Club Monaco or jeans like Diesel. When I show them what we have they nag that it’s not as good as the “better” brands. If you wanted a Club Monaco shirt, how exactly did The Gap pop into your mind?

A customer from Not-So-Jolly-Old-England complained that only The Gap in London had his sizes. Why didn’t you buy the damn jeans back home? It’s the same price and more importantly, why are you shopping at The Gap while visiting Toronto? Roots is two floors up.

The “Are There Any More Discounts?” Customer:

I’m all for bargain hunting and not paying retail price but sometimes its infuriating to have a customer who thinks that $19.99 is expensive for a woven shirt that used to cost $70.

Since this is the month for markdowns in all of the stores, I’d always get one or two customers who would come up to me and ask for a price check to see if it’s still $14.99 since the last five minutes I’ve checked. Repeat this process six or seven times and you’ll have the customer I dealt with yesterday. I was thinking to myself, “You better have a short-term memory problem.”

As for the regularly priced merchandise, I don’t know why people think that they can haggle, it’s not Chinatown. Yes, I’ve seen the undercover investigations that “Dateline” and “Primetime Thursday” did where the producer was able to get a discount at Macy’s but it’s not going to work here.

If the price is marked wrong, we’ll give you the lowest price. If the item is damaged, we’ll give you 20 per cent off. Other than that, don’t treat me like a car salesman where I’m desperate to sell you something in order to make my next paycheck (I’ll refer you back to the paragraph regarding commission).

There’s a lot more to write about so when I’m (again) absolutely stumped for ideas for a proper fashion column on a Thursday night, I’ll continue with parts two, three and four.

The next time you shop for clothes, remember to treat the sales associates with respect or else they’ll write about you and publish it on a web site.

Related posts:

1. Fashion Column: Tips On Pulling A Fabulous Fashion Act Together
2. Fashion Column: Confessions of a Sales Associate: Part Two
3. Fashion Column: Part 2 – He Says

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