Helllloooooo!

Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen.  This week we’re going to take a look at a group of malevolent, disgusting, and just downright horrible creatures who have terrorized mankind for years.  What’s that? No, not lawyers.  Not even politicians.  This week we are ranking the Top 5 Straight-up Meanest Aliens in Video Games. Almost as long as sci-fi and space opera have been around, there has been the alien creatures to terrorize or befriend the valiant heroes and heroines.  Well, forget about your friendly little green men, suckers, because we’re not talking about Starman or ET tonight, we’re talking War of the Worlds and Jabba the Hutt.  Let’s do this.

‘Ere we go!

5.  The Chimera – Resistance

Resistance 3?

Scary. As. Hell.  Playing Resistance for the first time, everything seems to be as per usual for a WWII shooter, until you turn the corner and see the monstrous Chimera hybrids taking aim at you with their alien weaponry.  At many different points through the game and it’s sequel Resistance 2, you encounter different and even scarier variants of these creatures, like the aquatic Chimera (just when you though it was safe to go back in the water… although let’s face it, it was never safe to begin with).  Especially in Resistance 2, these creatures just get nastier and nastier through the course of the game.  And the most disturbing part of it is that they used to be human.  Captured by the Chimera and genetically altered into the hideous hybrids, the fact is you’re putting down former Earthlings.  And as the series has progressed, the Chimera have evolved.  From the hybrids in Resistance, who needed cooling devices to keep their superheated bodies from pulling an Xbox 360 overheat, to the later evolutions who just burst out of pods throughout the game and come tearing after you, the Chimera use their advanced weaponry and cannibalistic tactics to not only subjugate the human race, but to steamroll them into the fold.  Nasty.

4.  The Geth – Mass Effect

The best part about being Geth? Free satellite radio.

Ever wondered what would happen if the Borg had sex with the Zerg?  The answer is the Geth.  I think that Bioware didn’t want to come off as anti-Semitic by calling them the Zorgberg.  They don’t just kill you – they impale you on large spikes that turn you into cyber-zombies that fight for them.  Zombies! Implacable synthetic foes created as slaves for other, less terrifying aliens (the Quarians), the Geth don’t feel emotion.  They don’t get scared when Commander Shepard blows away 4 of them in as many seconds, they keep coming.  In that respect they are certainly unique – I’m reasonably sure everyone fears Commander Shepard, because he’s a dick.  The biggest dick in the galaxy.  With a Spectre badge, a galaxy’s worth of resources, irrefutable authority, and unlimited spite.  Facing down that with nary a whimper definitely qualifies the Geth their spot on our list.

3.  Necromorphs – Dead Space

No, man! It's not a hug! IT'S A TRAP!

When I played Dead Space, I’m reasonably sure I lost 10 pounds.  5 from sweating in terror every time a Necromorph sprang out of nowhere to attack me, and another 5 from crapping myself the first time it happened.  These things are scary.  Mutated humans with multiple extra limbs, an appetite for human flesh, and faces that make Emperor Palpatine look like Edward from Twilight, these nasties definitely don’t want to be friends.  Like some of our other entries on this list, these nasties used to be human.  But the influence of a man-made virus that reacts with dead tissue results in these brutally ugly, vicious, parasitic and altogether unpleasant zombie-alien hybrids.  And you’re stuck on a barely-functioning spaceship with them.  Not my idea of a great day.

2.  Wrex – Mass Effect

The only reason he isn't kicking ass right now is out of spite.

Urdnot Wrex is a Krogan Battlemaster, which is kind of like a Ping-Pong Grand Master but with less ping-pong and more stomping face.  He’s over 300 years old, and at least 3 centuries of that time has been spent ruining aliens and humans all over the galaxy.  Wrex is a true mercenary, which means he doesn’t take orders from anyone for less than a week’s worth of beer money.   As a matter of fact, the only being in the galaxy that he is intimidated enough by to do what he wants without pay is none other than Commander Shepard, a.k.a The Biggest Dick in the Galaxy (see the Geth entry for further details on Shepard and his badassery).   And you can’t really fault him for that – Shepard is the Chuck Norris of Mass Effect, but without Chuck’s moral code or aversion to punching babies and women in the face.  Another intimidating feature of Wrex that makes him stand out from the very first time you meet him (in a strip club, scaring the crap out of the bouncers) is his deep, baritone voice.  He sounds like Solid Snake in slow motion – underwater. Finally, let’s face it – you have to respect a dude who shoots first, shoots second, kicks ass third, then maybe asks a question later.

1.  Xenomorphs – Aliens vs. Predator

Xenomorph hives actually have great dental plans.

As they’ve constantly been referred to in their media, the “perfect organism” is exactly that – from a certain point of view.  If your idea of the perfect organism involves a parasitic, death-dealing bio-mechanical super-insect from outer space, then sure, they’re perfect.  But for the rest of us, the Xenomorphs (or simply Aliens) are possibly one of the most frightening and disturbing creatures ever to crawl from a human being’s torso (the other being Christopher Walken).  Speaking of crawling out of your torso, the Alien won’t just kill you – they drag you into the darkness, cocoon you and shove an egg down your throat to spawn a brand-new beastie.  One would argue it’s less painful and terrifying to just get killed than suffer through that experience.  And if any of those eggs are sitting around, it doesn’t matter how many of the Aliens you kill – there will always be more.  Designed by a Swiss surrealist with more psychological issues than a crazy-coated nutbar, the Alien is simultaneously brutal, sleek and sexual.  So once again, kind of like Christopher Walken (who incidentally, almost made this list).

Honourable Mention: The Orks – Warhammer 40,000: Space Marine

What's more awesome than an Ork smoking a cigar? Doesn't matter, you're dead.

“Orkses is never beaten in battle.  If we wins, we wins, if we die we die so it don’t count as beat, an’ if we runs for it we don’t die ‘neither, so we can always come back for anuvver go, see?”
That quote alone should guarantee the Orks a spot on this list.  But let’s face it – the Orks earned their spot on this list through brute force, uncompromising devotion to war, and attitude.  A lot of the entries on this list are faceless, inhuman creatures that can’t be easily related to much less understood.  But the Orks speak English (kind of), use weapons similar to ours and even approximate some human mannerisms and cultural cliches!  An Ork is not a slender, Elfy pansy nor a sleek, pseudo-sexy Xenomorph.  He’s a 7 ft. green soccer hooligan with a chainsword and a pistol with a barrel as wide as your fist.  Also, he’s interchangeably roaring like an animal and calling you a “little ‘umie git”. That is pretty much the definition of “feared” and “avoided” and “Chelsea Headhunter”.  It’s also the reason the Imperial Guard have a 94% casualty rate.

If you guys think I missed anyone that should have belonged in the Top 5, or think that maybe one of these other nasties should have been #1, or not on the list at all, let me know below.  Maybe we can do a Round 2!

Cheers!

Related posts:

1. Gamer’s Mind Blog: Infinite Ammo
2. Gamer’s Mind Blog: Infinite Ammo
3. Gamer’s Mind Blog: Infinite Ammo

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