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Rant ‘N Rave: Best & Worst TV Couples

Irene Ogrodnik — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 03:39:32 +0000

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I love happy couples.

But I adore the awfulness of the terrible ones as well.

Whether you like to admit it or not, television couples are the best kind out there. From reality shows to sitcoms, we cheer on the Rosses and Rachels and roll our eyes at the Simons and Paulas. Either way, here’s a breakdown of some of the best and worst television couples.

BEST “They were made for each other” Couple:
Ross and Rachel: This is a given. Without Ross and Rachel, I wouldn’t believe in love. Before the birth of Emma, how many of us knew condoms were only 99 per cent effective in preventing pregnancy? Well, we do now. We thank the makers for helping bring these two together.

BEST “Married and Still Hot” Couple:
Mr. and Mrs. Coach Taylor: Friday Night Light’s Coach Eric Taylor and his wife Tami represent the most realistic portrayal of married life (or so I say). They fight, they get on each other’s nerves and they raise their children like real parents should. They also kiss and makeup. Now that’s (sexy) love.

BEST “Physically, mentally and emotionally mismatched” Couple:
Homer and Marge: Even though Homer has quite the extensive and impressive resume (he went to Space AND won a Grammy to name a few)—he is lucky to have Marge. This couple is the best ill-suited couple–in the world. They prove that opposites do attract—even if they wouldn’t in real life.

BEST “Why didn’t they get hitched?” Couple:
Mulder and Scully: Back in the day, I actually threw a tantrum when I first heard Gillian Anderson got married to her first husband. My outbursts consisted of “What about Mulder? Huh? Selfish witch” to “Do you know how this will affect your relationship with him?” So I quite couldn’t separate reality from fiction. Whatever. With sexual tension that strong, no one takes kagillion years to kiss anyway. No one.

BEST “We actually made it work” Couple:
Ryan and Trista: The most “fairy-tale” couple to ever come out of ‘The Bachelor’ or ‘The Bachelorette,’ would, without a doubt, be Trista and her super sexy husband Ryan Sutter. The two married in 2003 and are currently expecting their second child any day now. They give us hope that true love can be found on a reality show—until, of course, we remember Melissa Raycroft.

BEST “Human with non-human” Couple:
Angel and Buffy: This list would not be complete without these two. How many girls can say they stabbed their lover, sent them to hell for a hundred years, and still had a strong relationship right after? Twilight fans—bow down. These two made humans+vampires relationships a sexy combination.

WORST “We pretend we hate one another” Couple:
Simon and Paula: We get it. You both suck. You both also hate one another but (not-so) secretly you two get it on. You constantly banter because you think it throws people off. Yawn. Old news. Next.

WORST “We thought it would work” Couple:
George and Izzie: I think we all upchucked just a little when Izzie and George hooked up. Just because you aren’t actually related to someone you view as a sibling, it doesn’t make the relationship any less strange. Or gross.

WORST “It will never go anywhere” Couple:
McDreamy and Meredith: Yes, another couple title devoted to Grey’s Anatomy. But really, no matter how much I once actually liked this couple; they need to let it go. The whole “will they” or “won’t they” story line is getting old. And boring.

WORST “We’re so full of it” Couple:
Spencer and Heidi: I hate wasting words on these two people. I rather watch an Olsen twins’ movie ten times in a row than look at these two ever again. Useless. Useless I tell ya.

WORST “Killer and Crazy Chick” Couple”
Dexter and Lila: If you know me, you know I love Dexter. You will also know that meeting Michael C. Hall on the set of this show made my year for the next fifteen years (yes, I’m THAT lame). Which is why I hated Dexter with Crazy—also known as Lila—from the gecko. These two were an ill match made in hell. Thankfully, by the end of season two, Lila was alive and well as all of Dexter’s other victims. Hoorah.

Rant N Rave: The Oscars

Irene Ogrodnik — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 20:25:15 +0000

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Hollywood’s biggest award show is over for another year. Done. Kaput. No more bets on who will win and who will lose (although if I actually gambled on who would take home an Oscar, I would be a bit richer today). And while last night’s winners polish their statues and the losers polish off another bottle of Skinny Wine, I am giving kudos to one of the best Academy Awards show in years.

Here’s why last night Oscars rocked:

The host:

Hugh Jackman. He’s sexy, charming and helped made the usual dull Oscars entertaining. His musical montage of the year’s celebrated films –along this poorly made props (thank you recession)– and duet with Anne Hathaway rocked. He made the celebrities laugh—which makes him an automatic hit. He better be back next year.

The guests:

Brangelina–While most people were waiting for Angie and Brad to make their way down the red carpet—I couldn’t care less. Although both extremely talented and stunning—they are overrated. Besides, is it me or does Angelina have a permanent cold look to her? Girl needs to smile more often. Take some cues from Aniston. Yeah, I said it.

Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens—Sure I wondered why these two were even at the Oscars alongside another Disney star but soon-to-be harlot (Miley, I’m looking at you), it’s hard to keep your eyes off these two. They are young and beautiful and gorgeous.

Slumdog Millionaire (Young) Cast: This movie would’ve not been as powerful without all the young Latikas and Jamals. They made the movie and deserved a night away from the slums. Literally.

The Winners:

Kate Winslet: Come on children, let’s all say it together: “It’s about time!” Although I do not think Winslet’s role in “The Reader” was her best to date, she did get snubbed for her other Oscar worthy win performances—i.e. The Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind and Little Children. She is one of the best of her generation. Now if the Academy only acknowledged Leonardo DiCaprio—I would be a happy gal.

Heath Ledger: By far, the late Ledger deserved the Best Supporting Actor win for his role as The Joker. He was genius, incredible and mind-blowing. A talent like his deserved to be recognized—even in a bittersweet moment. Besides, who did not get tears in their eyes after his family’s acceptance speech?

WALLE: Yes, you read that correctly. My obsession from Happy Feet to WALLE was easier than I thought it would be. Who knew true emotion and love took place between robots and machines?

Sean Penn: YAY! Finally Slumdog Millionaire DID not win an award. Oh wait, no one was nominated from that movie in this category. But seriously, Penn’s performance in Milk is outstanding. This actor can do no wrong. I’m mesmerized by all his roles.

Slumdog Millionaire: Sure The Dark Knight deserved a Best Picture nomination but this rags-to-riches love story was lovely. Even if it didn’t deserve all the awards it took home, it was nice for a movie of this genre to get some credit.

The Losers:

Brangelina: Thankfully neither won an award. Even though I will contradict myself here and say that I think Angelina’s performance in The Changeling was emotional—she already won Pitt from Aniston. Isn’t that enough woman?

Photo Credit: CTV.ca/AP Photo / Mark J. Terrill

Want to make a comment? Have something you want me to Rant ‘N Rave about? Send your e-mails to iogrodni@gmail.com

Rant ‘N Rave: Angelina Jolie Vs. Octomom

Irene Ogrodnik — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 17:10:16 +0000

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I tried my darn hardest to avoid ranting (impossible to rave) about the world’s most famous mother to 14 biological children. And you know I am not talking about Angelina Jolie—even though this particular pop-culture “celebrity” might wish otherwise.

But after reading about Nadya Suleman (better known as Octomom) this past month, I just had to give my two cents. I couldn’t resist. It’s like gossip mags avoiding photos and interviews from train wreck couple Heidi Montag and her douchebag boyfriend/husband/pet Spencer Pratt.

Impossible—I know.

By now you know how Suleman came to be Octomom. She was implanted with six embryos through in-vitro fertilization. Two of the embryos split, which resulted in the eight babies.

You also know that, according to the Associated Press, she has six OTHER children at home as well.

All under the age of seven.

She’s popping these kids out like…popcorn.

Suleman also has an uncanny resemblance to another famous celebrity mommy. Thanks to plastic surgery, Suleman (eerily) looks like Angelina Jolie. According to reports, Suleman denies she ever had any work done but pictures from someone’s past don’t lie.

Well, not all the time.

And while I do respect Jolie in many ways (except in the obvious home wrecker way), I still will wear my Team Aniston shirt. Still, in times like these, I must defend a woman who is NOTHING like Suleman.

ANGELINA:

-She’s making millions of dollars a year and can actually afford to donate 1/3 of her income to charity every year.

OCTOMOM:

-She is not even employed. She NEEDS Jolie’s charitable income.

ANGELINA:

-Unmarried mother raising a house full of biological/adopted children. She also has a multi-million dollar mansion with nannies. And her lover Brad Pitt to help. Or at least keep them occupied.

OCTOMOM:

-Unmarried mother raising a house full of biological children, She lives with her mother in a three bedroom house that, according to CNN, may face foreclosure. Her mother is her nanny. And no, she has no Brad Pitt-like lover/father-figure either.

ANGELINA:

She has a decent family support system. Her mother never bashed her and while her father and her do not get along, he still supports her in public.

OCTOMOM:

I don’t know where to start. Her mother questioned her daughter’s ability to care for her children while her father questioned her sanity on Oprah. Then they both state they just want the best for their daughter and grandchildren. So how much are they getting paid to publicly lash their daughter? Hope it’s worth it. The only thing that Octomom has yet to do is make out with her brother like Angelina. Thank God she’s an only child.

Who’s to blame?

First, someone needs to give this woman some (mental) help. A REAL psychiatrist—sorry Dr. Phil.

The doctors: What idiotic doctors even agreed to this procedure on this woman, knowing she was single, unemployed and already had an army of children? What people would do for money. Jerkbags.

The parents: Please, no fit parent would go on national television to speak about their child’s mental problem in this manner. Just not right.

Suleman herself: Listen woman. If Angelina was in your financial and mental situation, even she would get some help.

(Suleman and Jolie. Photo Courtesy of www.examiner.com)

Want to make a comment? Have something you want me to Rant ‘N Rave about? Send your e-mails to iogrodni@gmail.com

Rant ‘N Rave: Celebrity Babies

Irene Ogrodnik — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 19:48:48 +0000

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They wear designer clothing and shoes yet they are only less than four feet tall (no, not the Olsen Twins). They are millionaires and they haven’t worked a day in their lives (nope, not Paris Hilton either). Their parents are (usually) talented and in most cases, ridiculously beautiful.

I’m talking about celebrity babies. And I love them.

From Honor Marie Warren (Mom: Jessica Alba) to Nahla Ariela Aubry (Mom: Halle Berry) these kids are too cute. And the world adores them too.

But, there’s one little tot who I think is the cutest of all. And it’s not Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt. She may have her mother’s killer stunning facial features and her daddy’s golden locks but, even though she may have one of the most attractive parents in showbiz, she doesn’t compare to another toddler with almost equally famous parents.

Now you must know whom I’m talking about.

TomKitten herself. The darling Suri Cruise—who made a name for herself long before she was even born.

Before Suri’s arrival on April 18, 2006, media outlets questioned Holmes’s pregnancy. When news broke out that Katie Holmes gave birth, there were no images of Suri for months—causing people to question if the child even existed. Even news of Brangelina having their first child wasn’t quite this controversial. When the world finally caught images of Suri in Vanity Fair—people questioned the baby’s paternity (myself included). Even some guy named Sea Org claimed Suri was a product of Holmes’s egg and the preserved sperm of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard.

I think is why Scientology has such a bad rep surrounding it.

But beyond questioning her existence or who really contributed to her DNA, Suri is the most precious looking child. In the world. From her need to constantly wear dresses (even in the dead of winter without a jacket—but let’s not focus on TomKat’s poor parenting skills here) to her love for shiny red shoes and deep discussions with her dolls, Suri is poster child for the perfect offspring. At least when she’s in the spotlight.

And while many may praise Brangelina for keeping Shiloh away from the media, I think the youngster is just hiding behind her adopted siblings. By now, she probably heard the news that, soon after her birth, dear “Santa” mommy confessed she felt less inclined to feel for her first biological daughter because she was more privileged from the moment she was born than her other adopted children. Yes, lets blame the barely then one-year-old child for the riches she’s born into. But this is not a rant and it’s old news—even if Shiloh won’t say the same in a few years (hey, at least she can then blame her wild and outrageous behaviour on her mother when she’s just 18-years-old and entering rehab).

So while I continue to make artificial judgments based solely on looks alone (since I have yet to hear Suri spew a coherent sentence on camera), I will continue to look for ways to create my own little Suri—but I think I would need L. Ron Hubbard’s sperm for that.

Kidding.

Maybe.

Want to make a comment? Have something you want me to Rant ‘N Rave about? Send your e-mails to iogrodni@gmail.com

Rant ‘N Rave: Joaquin Phoenix

Irene Ogrodnik — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 12:10:50 +0000

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There are only a few words to describe Joaquin Phoenix’s appearance on David Letterman two nights ago. Bizarre, awkward, uncomfortable and hilarious (thanks to Letterman) are a few and, well, that’s about it.

But there is something about his behaviour that doesn’t quite convince me (and many others) that his transition from an actor to a would-be singer is something serious.

Ever since Phoenix announced he was retiring from acting back in October 2008 in order to focus on a music career—I didn’t buy it. When news broke that friend and brother-in-law Casey Affleck would “document” (or mocument) his career to making hip-hop music—I had to hold back laughter.

So what the heck is up with his appearance on Letterman? Some would say its nothing short of just an insane publicity stunt. But perhaps, in all seriousness, Phoenix is losing his sanity. He battled alcoholism and, back in 1993, his elder brother, River, died from an overdose of heroin and cocaine with Joaquin at the scene. Could these incidents be somewhat responsible for his behaviour years later? Sure, but I doubt they are. And, in the case that I am right, this means Phoenix is purposely trying to look like a douchebag.

Nice move.

The “actor” appeared on Letterman—for what seemed to be the longest and most useless 10-minute interview in the world—to promote his most recent film Two Lovers. He briefly forgot the name of his co-star Gwyneth Paltrow, managed to only slur one to three word answers at the most, stared into space for the longest two minutes of silence (I guess he ran out of things to say), fumbled, drew blank stares, fumbled again AND, as a finale, spat and stuck his gum UNDERNEATH LETTERMAN’S DESK.

If it wasn’t for Letterman’s cheeky remarks/questions (i.e. “What can you tell us about your days with the Unabomber?”) the whole interview could’ve been a total disaster—which it was—but somehow in a good way.

YouTube videos of Phoenix’s appearance are continuously played around the clock by pop-culture geeks (myself included) who have the urge laugh at someone else’s peculiarities rather than their own.

As for Phoenix, good luck with your so-called hip-hop album. Sure you can carry a tune (his performance as Johnny Cash in “Walk the Line” was brilliant) but please stop with this totally ridiculous and off-the-top PR move. And, should your condition actually require you enter rehab (again) then its best to do it now because I still don’t know what you are trying to prove.

And maybe that’s the whole point.

(Photo courtesy of CBS)

Want to make a comment? Have something you want me to Rant ‘N Rave about? Send your e-mails to iogrodni@gmail.com

Rant ‘N Rave: Rihanna and Chris Brown: Assault Drama

Irene Ogrodnik — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 17:57:49 +0000

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There’s something about Chris Brown I just don’t like. At least, when compared to his girlfriend Rihanna. He just doesn’t measure up to her success, talent and likeability.

So when news broke last night that R&B’s sexiest couple would be M.I.A. at the Grammys—I knew something was up. How could music’s hottest duo miss out on one of the biggest awards show in entertainment? Especially since both were scheduled to perform that very night?

Lets ask Brown.

According to E! News, Perezhilton.com and every other news media outlet, Brown turned himself in to Los Angeles police over an alleged assault on an unidentified woman—which multiple sources have just confirmed was the “Disturbia” star.

But before I get ahead of myself, here’s the background info (for those of you who haven’t peaked from underneath your rocks by now). The Los Angeles Times reports the couple pulled over in their rented Lambourghini (must be nice. I don’t even have enough money to look at one). Witnesses called the police–after the couple’s argument escalated—stating Ri “suffered visible injuries and identified Brown as her attacker.” Brown was not present at the scene when officers arrived. Brown, however, turned himself in and is currently released on $50,000 bail.

Now let’s get to the point. What the heck is running through this guy’s head? Blah blah with the “he’s innocent till proven guilty” speech. Fine. Whatever. But this news is just sad considering that, back in a 2007 interview with Giant magazine, Brown revealed his stepfather physically abused his mother. If you know your psychology, such behavioural pattern can repeat in people who grew up in such an environment.

So what ticked Brown off that he (supposedly) chose to lay a hand on a woman? This is what happens when 19-year-olds have more money in their pockets than the total number of minutes they’ve been alive. They think they can get away with such stupid shit. And yes, even if Rihanna was in Brown’s position and he in hers, I would still be spewing this rant (although I’ll admit, I would argue he probably did something to deserve it).

Bottom line is that until this mess is done and over with, the reigning couple—which, for the most part, kept a low profile—just got attention that isn’t going to go away anytime soon.

So as fans ditch their Team Chrianna shirts for their Team Rihanna ones instead, boys, go listen to your mothers. If you want to woo a girl, violence, perhaps, is NOT the answer.

Rant ‘N Rave: Eddie Murphy

Irene Ogrodnik — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 19:04:51 +0000

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I feel bad for Eddie Murphy. He got trapped and tricked into having sex with Spice Girl Mel B. Then she got pregnant. He denied the baby was his; claiming Scary Spice was a tramp. Then DNA proved the baby was his. Now he’s a deadbeat dad. Really, I feel SO bad for Eddie A-hole Murphy.

It must be hard to have the title as a shiteous and deadbeat father who cares about no one but himself. Really. I feel your pain jackass.

But if you feel a bit confused, then let’s rewind just a tad. A-hole Murphy dated Mel B. THEY had sex. No wait. She SOMEHOW used her Spice Girls super powers to seduce him. A-hole Murphy then claimed that Mel insisted she was on birth control. He also claimed they only had sex THREE times.

Now, this is where I don’t quite get the joke. Does A-hole Murphy really think that just because he and Mel supposedly got down and dirty almost as many times as Britney said “I do” that somehow, along the way, the baby she bore is not his? Or it because he thinks she’s a cheater—just to cover-up the fact that he’s an ass? I assume it’s not the latter. That being said, where the heck was this guy in sex-ed class? The best part about his character is that he’s charming and sweet. When Mel was still pregnant with his kid, A-hole Murphy told a Dutch TV show: “I don’t know whose child that is until it comes out and has a blood test.” Such sweet words from a caring father.

Now for all you (fools) who support and wish to defend this guy, I will give him the slightest benefit of a doubt. A-hole Murphy MAY just have had the right to question his paternity, but there was no need to make an ass out of himself (although I’m sure it took no effort). He could’ve waited until AFTER the baby was born to bluntly question his paternity and privately test the baby’s DNA. Too bad for Nutty. He opened his mouth too soon and was proven wrong. He was the baby’s papa.

To top it off, a few days ago, this no-good barely funny actor says that he wants nothing to do with his now two-year-old daughter Angel Iris. According to OK! Magazine, a “friend” of A-hole Murphy’s says the actor doesn’t want to see his daughter because doing so would mean he would have to consequently also see the mother.

Wow.

Now he’s a keeper.

Want to make a comment? Have something you want me to Rant ‘N Rave about? Send your e-mails to iogrodni@gmail.com

Rant ‘N Rave: The Best/Worst of January

Irene Ogrodnik — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 19:49:55 +0000

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It’s been 30 days into the New Year, which means 30 days full of things to rave and rant about in pop culture. Here’s the month’s best and the worst in entertainment, music, celebrities and all things mainstream.

RAVE:

5) Amy Winehouse Gets Robbed: No, I am not referring to her marriage. I am talking about her apartment in London. According to eonline.com, thieves stole roughly $21, 000 worth of property, including pricy recording equipment, a flat-screen TV and five supposedly irreplaceable guitars. And they didn’t steal any drugs? They couldn’t have possibly missed it. Hmm, this story sounds kind of sketchy.

4) James Morrison: His amazing singles “You Give Me Something” and “Wonderful World” are only glimpses into this man’s talent. Last week, he earned a nomination for Best Male Solo Artist at the Brit Awards. His newest single “Broken Strings” with Nelly Furtado has reached No 2 on the U.K. singles chart. His voice is sexy. His lyrics are beautiful and brilliant. Sure he may look like Coldplay’s Chris Martin but his raspy voice serenades women AND men. I think I’m in love. Don’t tell my boyfriend.

3) Heath Ledger Oscar Nod: It was a bittersweet day. One year exactly after Heath died, Oscar noms were announced. Heath received a Best Supporting Actor nod for his outstanding performance as the Joker in The Dark Knight. He already won the Golden Globe and SAG award. He clearly deserves this one too.

2) George Clooney in Scrubs: How can you not love a guy—who after all his fame and fortune—returns to the show that gave him his break? Clooney was recently snapped in full scrubs, confirming rumours he will reprise his role as Dr. Doug Ross on the final season of ER. Can we McYummy?

1) Barack Obama’s Inauguration: George W. Bush who? I wish it was that easy to forget him but with the mess he’s made while in office, poor Obama will need more than just a mop to clean it up.

RANT:

5) Ali Lohan’s “Extraordinary” Photo shoot: The barely-more-talented-younger-sis-to-Lindsay-Lohan is somehow featured in…get this…hold laughter…Jonathan Ressler’s “Extraordinary Women Exhibit.” Nothing about this makes sense. Firstly, baby Lohan is only 15-years-old. She’s just a girl. Not yet a woman. Secondly, EXTRAORDINARY? Really? Seriously? This is some cruel joke. What is so astonishing about a 15-year-old girl who lives in the shadows of her much-more famous sister? Just ask Ashlee Simpson back in the day.

4) Leonardo DiCaprio’s Oscar snub: Of course. Although DiCaprio has been nominated before, he has never won. I already blogged about this—I know—but why the Academy chose to overlook his performance in Revolutionary Road baffles me. Perhaps he should’ve started in a movie about the Holocaust.

3) American Idol: Although this show still manages to get viewers, the producers decided to add yet another judge to the already annoying panel. Is this move supposed to make the incoherent Paula and foul-mouthed Simon somehow tolerable to watch? Shit ain’t working.

2) Paris Hilton’s “Britney looked cool with no hair” Quote: Usually I wouldn’t really defend Britney but I would also do anything to rant on Hilton. But I think Paris liked Brit bald because, for once, she actually looked better than someone. Really Paris? That’s low. That’s so NOT hot.

1) Jessica Simpson’s Fuller Figure: So media goes haywire when they notice Jessica put on some pounds at a recent concert. So the gal can no longer fit in her daisy dukes—she’s still skinner than 98 per cent of Americans! Since when are size two women on the verge of obesity? Let the girl eat.

Want to make a comment? Have something you want me to Rant ‘N Rave about? Send your e-mails to iogrodni@gmail.com