Normally I don?t go out on New Year?s Eve.
I?m not a big drinker, I?m not a big partier, and I don?t much care for drunk people with “an excuse to party” as New Year?s Eve is so often described.
Normally, my habit is to put a movie on at about 11:15 p.m. and be happily past midnight by the time the credits roll.
However this year, for various reasons, I was persuaded to go to a jazz club called The Rex in downtown Toronto. My uncle and his girlfriend were in from out of town, and wanted to dance, dance, dance the night away. My father was conscripted to take them out, and I was invited so that my father wouldn?t be a third wheel.
Not wanting to be the only person in our party under 50, I brought my girlfriend along (sorry ladies, I?m taken,) and we went out for New Year?s Eve.
My girlfriend (Manda) and I were supposed to meet my father, uncle, and my uncle?s girlfriend there at ten o?clock. We arrived at 10:15 and couldn?t find them anywhere.
What we found instead was a bar where at first glance, the youngest person on the place was 30, and the average age of those on the dance floor was probably closer to 45.
As it turned out, the youngest person in the place was a little girl who couldn?t have been older than six. I could only assume she was a regular there, because shortly before midnight, I saw her behind the bar pouring herself a glass of what I hope was orange juice.
Manda and I stood around waiting for probably half an hour, watching what had to be, without a doubt, the worst dancing I have ever seen.
The band was pretty good; the lead singer, who also played saxophone, was incredible. But they played these ?70s and ?80s dance hits that really got the 45 year olds going, to the point where they looked something like a cross between a 1950s high school dance, and a room full of people having seizures.
Manda and I picked out a spot where we could watch the door, which also gave us a good vantage of the dance floor, and proceeded to wait, and discuss which 45-year-old was the worst dancer.
Manda had a beer and decided she wanted to get me to dance; I hadn?t had anything to drink yet, and was having none of it.
Truth be told, by 10:45 we were thinking about leaving.
Manda isn?t really a New Year?s type either, and if the others weren?t gong to show up, we weren?t staying.
Then they showed up and things got worse. They ordered their drinks, and suddenly I found myself with four people pressuring me to dance. I gave up and ordered a beer; I was probably going to have to dance, but it would never happen if I was completely sober.
Midnight rolled around, and I was sufficiently buzzed that I had been dancing with Manda for the last fifteen minutes.
We counted down, all eyes on the TV which was tuned to Citytv and the party going on in Nathan Phillips Square.
We shouted “Happy New Year” and I kissed Manda. I took a sip of the really cheap champagne that the servers were handing out.
Then we went back to dancing.
At this point I know what you?re asking yourself: Was my uncle a good dancer? No, he was easily the worst dancer in the place, and his amusingly terrible dancing was what saved the whole evening for me, and actually made it fun.
I know what you?re actually asking yourself: What the hell does all of this have to do with movies? Well, at about 12:05, the Citytv coverage of the New Year?s celebration ended. I looked up from dancing, and on the screen was Edward Norton with a gun in his mouth.
Because it was muted, it took me a couple of minutes to figure out what it was. Citytv was playing Fight Club.
Suddenly the whole evening took on a surreal quality. Of all the movies for them to play, Fight Club seems to be one of the least fitting for New Year?s Eve. I mean, it?s a great movie and all; it just doesn?t really fit with the mood of the night.
We left just before 1:00a.m.; we didn?t even stay long enough to see Edward Norton punch Brad Pitt in the ear.
The moral of the story is threefold:
1) Don?t spend New Year?s Eve at The Rex if you?re under 40.
2) Don?t try to drag me out next year
3) And finally, go rent Fight Club, that movie is totally awesome.