andPOP - Pop Culture With Substance

This week on The Office, it’s Halloween! For about 10 seconds. We are treated to a brief glimpse of Creed’s creepily realistic Joker costume and Andy’s mildly slutty kitten costume. Then, all of a sudden, I think it’s the next day because no one is dressed up anymore.

On this new day, Jim Halpert is off to New York to meet with his brothers and girlfriend Pam Beasley for dinner to celebrate their engagement. Holly Flax and Michael Scott are also departing on a road trip today. But theirs is a bit more of a downer. It turns out once corporate found out Holly and Michael were dating they decided to transfer her back to her old job in Nashua, New Hampshire. Not surprising, since the last time Michael dated someone within the company *cough*JAN*cough* it turned into the disaster of the century. So props to corporate for nipping this one in the bud.

Pam meets up with Jim’s brothers earlier than their scheduled dinner because she wants to play a prank on Jim. Her idea is to pretend that she lost her engagement ring and she has a whole story to go along with it. The brother’s aren’t on board. They’d rather “dog” her about being an artist and not having a real job (Pam: “they came up with that really fast”). Needless to say, once Jim arrives the prank falls pretty flat although the brothers think it’s hilarious.

Meanwhile, back at the office, it appears that Dwight has decided to coax out Andy’s anger management issues by wearing a Cornell sweater. It turns out he is actually applying to the school but “if it makes Andy angry then so be it.” And it does. The last straw appears to be when Dwight whips out a bobble head Big Red Bear.

Andy makes a call to the Cornell admissions office to ensure he gets to conduct Dwight’s admission interview. Pre-interview he says that if he “had to put Dwight’s chances into a percentage [he] would say he has none percent chance.” Well, now we know Cornell isn’t renowned for their English program. Moving on…

During the interview, Dwight decides to turn the tables on Andy and evaluate his skills as an interviewer. This culminates in rapid verbal note-taking on both their parts (Dwight: “interviewer has suspect motives” Andy: “applicant has a head shaped like a trapazoid”). In the end, I think it’s safe to say that they both failed miserably.

Lastly, we come to Holly and Michael’s road trip. It starts off promising with even Darryl (their chauffeur for the day) joining in on a rousing rendition of “Life is a Highway”. Unfortunately, the trip takes a turn for the worse around the song’s fourth rotation on Michael’s road trip CD. Holly begins to cry and it’s not the result of allergies or of Darryl touching her, although Michael feels the need to ask.

It turns out the drive to New Hampshire is longer than they thought it would be and Holly is concerned about the whole long-distance thing working out. While Michael is at first calm (“I’m not going to give up that easily…I’m going to make this way harder than it needs to be”), he eventually freaks out saying he won’t be able to cope and will go back to Jan, and he hates Jan.

Once they arrive at Holly’s house, she and Michael don’t state that they are officially breaking up but it seems kind of like a done deal. Michael and Darryl drive back to Scranton and Darryl suggests singing the blues to make Michael feel better. They do it. A capella. I never thought I’d say this but I think I’d prefer a fifth round of Life is A Highway…

In this week’s episode of The Office, newly formed Dunder-Mifflin couple Michael Scott and Holly Flax (Toby’s HR replacement) are accessories to a crime. I know what you’re thinking: these two?! But wait.

The episode opens with Michael and Holly discussing their last date. It seems it went well (this chick is definitely an HR Weirdo) and they set another one for that night.

Meanwhile, Andy hands out “save the date” notices for his and Angela’s wedding. Upon receiving his, Dwight looks like he wants to stab someone. And indeed Phyllis later finds him making a knife…with a knife. While he initially rejects her offer of advice, he eventually seeks her out, opening their conversation by running through a list of the things Angela introduced him to: pasteurized milk, sheets, monotheism, presents on your birthday, and, of course, preventative medicine. Phyllis tells Dwight the only way to get Angela back is to give her an ultimatum: Him or Andy. Can you say lose-lose situation?

Later that evening, as Holly and Michael are leaving the office for their date, Holly pretends to forget her keys, drawing Michael back into the building but locking the camera crew outside. They proceed to make out in the stairwell and Michael accidentally turns their microphones all the way up instead of down thinking it will give them privacy. The resulting audio is quite disturbing.

Unfortunately, neither Holly nor Michael locked the office upon their departure and they return in the morning to find it has been ransacked (Michael: “so much for sex without consequences”). Oscar is pissed because the thieves stole his laptop and Kevin is equally upset over the tragic loss of his surge protector. Also, we learn that the last person who stole from Creed Bratton disappeared. His name? Creed Bratton.

In an effort to rid themselves of their guilt and to recoup his employees’ losses, Michael holds a charity auction in which the big ticket item is a pair of backstage passes to a Bruce Springsteen concert. In the spirit of this theme he gives Darryl a list of his top 10 Springsteen songs to play. Darryl says that 3 of them were Huey Lewis and the News, one of them was Tracy Chapman’s Fast Car, and his personal favourite, Short People.

Meanwhile, Dwight delivers his ultimatum to Angela (“break off your engagement with the singing buffoon or say goodbye to this”-it’s not clear where he’s pointing but I think it might be below the belt). He gives her until 6:14 pm and when she does not respond by that point he takes it out on Phyllis, who wisely advises him to move on.

At the auction (which Michael has dubbed C.R.I.M.E.-A.I.D: Crime Reduces Innocence Makes Everyone Angry I Declare), Jim wins Darryl’s donation of a round of beers with the warehouse guys at the moment of purchase. They run into Pam’s ex-fiancee, Roy, at the bar and it’s awkward. He guilts Jim into driving to New York to visit Pam (who, by the way, is now working for Dunder-Mifflin’s corporate office and is therefore pestered by Michael over the phone at all hours), but on the way there Jim turns his car around stating that he’s “not that guy and they are not that couple.”

In the end, Michael claims that the Bruce Springsteen tickets were stolen (although he later reveals to Holly this it was sort of a grey area whether or not he had them), but Phyllis’s donation of “a hug” draws the biggest bid of the night thanks to Dwight’s inexplicable topping of her husband’s bids by “one penny” increments. The crowd disperses and Holly and Michael are left alone. Cue the fake Bruce Springsteen music…

Episode three of “The Office’s” fifth season opens with a bang. Well, a scream. Ok, a lot of screaming actually. It seems Dwight Shrute is going above and beyond his duties as Assistant to the Regional Manager in helping Michael Scott prepare for the birth of his unborn non-child (since former girlfriend Jan Levinson was actually artificially inseminated with sperm obtained from a sperm bank). This preparation involves an apron, a watermelon, and a disturbing lack of pants on Dwight’s part.

Dwight and Michael simulate the baby’s delivery on his desk (a sterile environment, to be sure), and Dwight advises Michael to have a sharpie on hand in order to mark the baby secretly with a kind of mark that only he can recognize and no baby snatcher can ever copy. It is becoming more and more clear to me that Dwight Shrute’s calling is not to sell paper, but rather to co-host this show.

Meanwhile, Pam and Jim are having some problems connecting over the phone. Pam insists this would happen even if she were in Scranton and that they’re just a little out of sync.

In honour of the imminent arrival of the baby, Dunder-Mifflin is having a baby shower. When Phyllis informs Michael that she was unable to obtain live storks for the occasion, he freaks and tells her to step it up because in honour of her wedding they gave her a “golden shower”. Clearly, someone does not spend enough time on urbandictionary.com.

Unfortunately, when Jan shows up, the baby is very much outside of her body. It turns out she delivered the baby without informing Michael. He’s not psyched. Nevertheless, Michael presents the baby Simba style to the office, although he is unable to pronounce her name properly (it’s Astir), and the shower begins.

The staff pools some money together and buys the baby a stroller, but unfortunately Jan already owns an “Orbit” stroller worth $1200. Dwight claims that it cost him $1200 to build his entire bomb shelter, therefore the stroller should be indestructible. This leads to a series of tests including throwing the stroller against a barbed wire fence and dragging it behind his car at high speeds.

Jan illustrates her lack of motherly instincts by serenading the baby with a rousing rendition of “Son of a Preacher Man”: a song about losing one’s virginity to a holy man’s son. Definitely an appropriate lullaby. She then successfully breaks up the party by discussing her “tub birth” (Creed: “it must have been like the tide at Omaha Beach”), and when she leaves to take a nap she finally allows Michael to hold the baby. Surprisingly, this doesn’t work out so well as Michael claims that he usually loves babies but when he held Astir he just felt…”short-changed.”

He hands the baby off to Phyllis and heads off to talk to the warehouse guys, which always results in hilarity. He tells Darryl he needs advice “from one babbydaddy to another”, and Darryl’s best piece of advice is for him to stop calling himself a babbydaddy (Michael: “Why, because I’m quote white quote unquote?” Darryl: “No, because you’re not a daddy and that’s not your baby”).

Despite Michael’s coldness towards Holly around Jan (he calls her “HR Weirdo” and tells Jan she smells like old tomatoes and dirt), it seems that Jan has picked up on something between them as she tell Michael he shouldn’t date Holly. Michael says he hates Holly and stutters a lot, but after Jan takes off he finds Holly, pulling her into an awkward embrace. Shockingly (or not so shockingly because she is kind of an HR Weirdo) she enjoys it. He asks her out and she accepts. Michael closes the episode by saying that he didn’t feel much when he held Astir, but he got a good feeling from Holly. Sometimes it’s hard to believe that a lowly Regional Manager could be so profound…

This week’s episode of The Office is all about ethics, which, if the past is any indication, is a concept with which the employees of Dunder-Mifflin Scranton are not at all familiar. Especially THIS GUY.

The episode opens with Jim Halpert revealing to his co-workers that he and girlfriend Pam Beasley are engaged. Jim thinks they’re going to make a big deal out of it but they are less than enthused. Michael, on the other hand, is ecstatic, and upon learning the news he tackles Jim to the floor in a flying hug. And as someone who has recently been on the receiving end of the hug-tackle, I can confidently say that it is not an enjoyable experience. Sorry Jim, shake it off.

It seems that today is “Ethics Day” at the Scranton branch, which involves Holly the new HR rep running her first meeting. Michael’s influence is clearly felt when he and Holly open the meeting with an eighties aerobics-themed performance of the song “Let’s Get Physical”, with every instance of the word “physical” replaced with “ethical”. Holly falters when she begins reading from a binder, and Michael pulls her aside saying that people expect a lot from these meeting and that she has to “be both Robin Williams and M. Night Shyamalan…you have to be Robin Shyamalan”.

Michael quickly takes over the meeting and opens the floor up to his employees to confess their unethical workplace behaviour. In this “immunity” portion of the meeting, Meredith reveals that she has been sleeping with a supplier for 6 years in exchange for discounts on paper and Outback Steakhouse coupons. Classy. Or, in the words of Jim Halpert: “Jackpot”.

During the “immunity” portion of the meeting, Dwight also makes a claim: that he has never stolen anything from the company, including its time (Michael: “you are a thief of joy”). Throughout the episode Jim decides to test this claim by using a stopwatch to track all of Dwight’s “personal time” which includes yawning (4 seconds) and personal conversation (AKA arguing with Jim-17 seconds).

After various efforts to distract Dwight (including a conversation with Andy which likens the plot and characters of Battlestar Galactica to pretty much every science fiction/fantasy movie ever created), Jim is amazed that Dwight has not stopped working for a second (he even sneezed with his eyes open and peed in an open soda bottle). Dwight only slips up when he disappears for 19 minutes and 48 seconds with no explanation except a glance at Angela and a pedophile rapist-esque leer into the camera. Understandably, Jim lets this one slide.

Meanwhile, Michael suggests to Holly that they “bang out” the Meredith problem over lunch. Probably a poor choice of words but also probably part of his attempt to “merge [their] friendship into a relationship.” When Holly claims that Meredith’s behaviour is unethical “and a little bit icky”, Michael suggests they punish her by not allowing her to have sex for 6 months. This, of course, leads to a Michael Scott style awkward and lengthy explanation of a chastity belt. Cut to Holly scanning the room for the nearest exit.

While Holly concludes that the only solution is to terminate Meredith, Kendall from Corporate HR has a different opinion. He calls the Scranton branch and lays the blame on Holly, claiming that her job was simply to get signatures from the employees verifying that they attended the ethics seminar. He calls the Meredith situation a “grey area”, mostly since he thinks the company could use the discount she’s getting. Apparently the economic turmoil in the US is affecting Dunder-Mifflin as well. That Kendall sure sounds like a standup guy.

In the end, Holly runs the meeting reading from her binder as planned, and Michael restrains himself from intervening.

The moral of the story this week, kids? In these tough financial times, sleeping your way to a discount on paper and a free steak is entirely acceptable.

So Michael Scott is parading around in a fat suit, Angela Martin is throwing hourly hissy fits, and Dwight Schrute is attacking baked goods in the name of his boss’s honour. Yup, sounds like The Office is back for another season of small-town shenanigans. The fifth season premiere revolves around a contest set up by corporate to promote healthy living, in which the prize for the firm that loses the most weight is three extra vacation days. Wow, what a prize. I am quitting my job and applying at Dunder-Mifflin ASAP.

In week 1, the Scranton team manages to lose 31 pounds collectively, but it’s all downhill from there. We learn that Pam is peacing out of Scranton to attend art school in New York City for three months, while the rest of The Office crew begins a weekly ritual of stepping onto a gigantic scale to measure their collective weight.

Everyone in Dunder-Mifflin Scranton has their own weight loss method. Stanley proclaims he’s already losing weight for himself by eating better and exercising. Alternatively, Kelly Kapoor has chosen a cleanse diet which involves drinking a mixture of “maple syrup, lemon juice, cayenne pepper, and water” (and possibly crack cocaine since she looks like an addict going through withdrawal). By week 3, the staff has gained back 5 pounds and Kelly has won an express ticket to the emergency room.

Meanwhile, Pam starts off having a bit of a rough time at school but becomes more optimistic when she tells Jim she “made friends”. Poor Pam. Sadly, no one told her the generic big –boned fellow with a questionable sexual preference who makes mildly humorous comments will talk to anyone.

Back in Scranton, Pam’s replacement, Ronnie, isn’t working out so well (Michael: “Weirdo! Why are you such a weirdo?!”). So Michael decides to scrape the bottom of the metaphorical secretary barrel and hires back former temp, Ryan Howard. Ryan returns with a new outlook on life, kicking ass and taking names. No, literally. He is now recording all the names of those who wronged him in a notebook so he can get back at them when he’s back on top. It takes all of 5 minutes for both Jim and Dwight to get their names in the book. Oh and by the way, he’s totally infatuated with Kelly now.

This episode also sees Angela and Andy planning their wedding. Or rather, Andy planning about 17 grandiose weddings (hot air balloon over Napa Valley?) and Angela rejecting all of them and sneaking off to the warehouse to fool around with Dwight (Wait, did I just accidentally change the channel to Grey’s Anatomy?).

In a similar (but far less creepy) romantic vein, Oscar offers to set Holly (the new HR girl) up with his yoga instructor, much to Michael’s chagrin. Holly goes out with Yoga Guy a couple of times but seems to give up on him after he ignores her invite to a Counting Crows concert. When Michael learns of this, he claims the guy must be “loco” and offers to buy the concert tickets from Holly. She thinks he’s going to invite her but because he’s a total idiot he rips them up in her face instead. Smooth.

By week 5 of the weight loss contest, corporate is disappointed in the results and has upped the prize to 5 vacations days. Seriously, Dunder-Mifflin! Where do I sign up?! Of course, the Scranton staff take even more desperate measures at this point. Kelly swallows a tapeworm she got from Creed (Creed: “that wasn’t a tapeworm”), Michael dresses up in a fat suit (everyone knows he’s doing ‘Michael Klump’, a character who comes complete with a bad ghetto accent and is allegedly a celebration of fat people), and Dwight suggests that three ‘random’ staff members get liposuction on their own tab. Shocker: it’s Phyllis, Stanley, and Kevin.

In addition, Dwight convinces Phyllis that he is bringing her on a surefire sales call and then proceeds to desert her at an abandoned warehouse without her purse so she is forced to walk back to the office (Michael: “it was basically a death march”).

Despite a last ditch-effort which involves Andy turning up the thermostat in the office (“Andy Bernard does not lose contests. He wins them. Or he quits them…because they’re unfair”), the Scranton branch loses to Utica by 8 pounds. But all is not lost. After much hesitation Jim asks Pam to meet him for lunch and he winds up proposing to her in the rain. Cliché? Probably. Of course she accepts, and Jim makes it back in time (Andy: “Wet Tuna!”) to hear Michael declare that he’s not disappointed; he still thinks they “are all gigantic losers.” Good talk Michael, see you out there.

The Dunder Mifflin team gets split up this week on “The Office” with Jim, Kevin, and Andy headed to the golf course to attempt to make a sale, and Michael, Pam, Oscar, and Darryl off to a job fair at Pam’s old high school. Meanwhile, the rest of the staff are forced to hold down the fort under the watchful, beady eye of Dwight K. Schrute.

Michael explains that the point of the job fair is to obtain some summer interns in an attempt to “youthanize” the workplace. Microsoft Word suggests that it’s not the word I am looking for, but I don’t think Michael Scott realizes that. The gang heads to the job fair armed with only a single sheet of paper since Michael believes that “it only takes one sheet of paper to make a difference”. Which is allegedly what he told Pam before sneezing into her tea.

We learn that the reason for Jim’s golf game is the probation warning temp-turned-corporate-tool Ryan Howard gave him last week. As a result, Jim says he is going to do something he has never done in this job before: try. On the golf course, Jim is focused on getting his client, Dwight Maguire, to switch to Dunder Mifflin paper, while Kevin is focused on betting on just about every aspect of the game. In the meantime, Andy has bigger problems in the form of disgusting and plentiful blisters which he obtained as a result of hitting “approximately 1200 balls” earlier that day in preparation for the game.

Back at the office, there is a mutiny in the works as no one feels they should have to stay while Michael isn’t there. Stanley is the first to peace out, with the rest of the gang (minus Angela) quickly following when Creed announces “we’re gonna ditch this bitch!”. He would. Dwight quickly reports this to Michael via cell phone but Michael is too bummed out about his lack of success at the job fair to care. Plus he says if he’s not there and Jim’s not there, why should they have to be there. Dwight is definitely going to be sobbing on Mose’s shoulder tonight.

At the job fair, Michael rejects the only teen mildly interested in working at Dunder Mifflin, claiming he only wants “the best and the brightest”, and subsequently freaks out because the kid signed his name on their only sheet of paper. He then sends Pam back to the office to get another single sheet of paper (Pam: “are you serious?” Michael: “Yes, and don’t call me Shirley”).

The golf game goes fairly well even though Jim tries and fails several times to make the sale and Andy crashes a golf cart into a sandtrap. In his defense though, he gets some amazing air. After the game, Mr. Maguire suggests playing more often (Andy: “Count me in!” Maguire: “Nope!”) and takes off. Jim finally convinces him to switch back to Dunder Mifflin after blocking his car for fifteen minutes.

Even with their fresh sheet of paper, Dunder Mifflin is getting no attention at the job fair so Michael decides to take drastic measures and approaches the fair’s microphone for a Michael Scott Signature Inspirational Speech. Predictably, the speech falls flat and the crew returns to the office with a visibly dejected Michael unable to even hold up his own head in the backseat of Pam’s car.

When they arrive, the golf boys are already there celebrating the sale with a few beers. Pam and Jim embrace and Michael severely invades their personal space. In the end, Michael is uplifted by Jim’s sale, saying that Jim Halpert could do anything he wants, but chooses to work at Dunder Mifflin, selling paper, like him. So maybe Michael Scott is capable of being inspirational after all.

But probably not.

This week’s episode of “The Office” delves into the sensitive issue of racial politics. Sort of.

The episode begins with Michael Scott bursting into Dunder Mifflin Scranton demanding ideas for what to write in the wet cement outside. Jim suggests that if he were “a real star” he would stick his face in it. Naturally, Michael loves the idea. The ensuing cement ceremony involves tin foil, an excessive amount of Vaseline, and a small drinking straw for Michael to breathe through. Definitely toxic.

Post face-in-cement ceremony, Michael calls a meeting to get ideas on how to energize the staff. Andy suggests a new and exciting outgoing answering machine message. Michael loves it and wants to go with an “urban theme.” As expected, he looks to Stanley Hudson for suggestions. Stanley, however, has been sick of the black stereotype for about 3 seasons now, so he declines, and when Michael won’t back down he yells out, “did I stutter?!”

Toby, in his typical SuperHuman Resources Man manner, wants this confrontation dealt with, but Michael insists that this is how friends joke with each other (i.e. “Hey you’re poor.” “Hey you’re momma’s dead.”). That’s just how it works. Dwight suggests putting the emergency plan (illustrated by an amazing chart emblazoned with the name “Dwight Schrute” in gigantic letters at the top) into motion, which gives him authority over absolutely everyone in the office, but Michael refuses, instead opting to ask stock worker Darryl Philbin (the only other black person he knows) for advice.

Michael asks Darryl if he’s ever been in a gang and Darryl claims he’s been in all of them, including the Latin Kings and The Newsies. When asked how gangs deal with confrontation, Darryl explains a method called “fluffy fingers”, wherein if someone gets in your face, you just start tickling them. Michael is fascinated, but in the end decides to go with his own strategy: “fake firing” Stanley (“it’s like a mock execution“).

Meanwhile, Andy is putting his X-Terra up for sale, which he claims can help anyone get girls because so many females also drive X-Terras. Dwight manipulates Andy into selling him the car for super cheap, and then proceeds to vigorously wash the car in a provocative manner and put it up on Ebay in an effort to sell it for a lot more money. Needless to say, Andy’s pissed.

Former employee and present superior, Ryan Howard, also makes an obligatory appearance in Scranton to give Jim a formal warning about his performance. This warning turns out to have been orchestrated by Toby due to his creepy stalker-level crush on Pam which caused him to scale a fence in last week’s episode. Guess that Costa Rica relocation didn’t work out for him.

The fake firing doesn’t go so well, even though Michael uses the genius line, “you are fired like a heart attack”, which you know he’s been waiting for months to whip out. Stanley unleashes a tirade calling Michael, among other things, a “professional idiot”. This results in Michael sending everyone outside where Kevin expresses his excitement by exclaiming that “you have Michael in one corner and he’s mad, you have Stanley in the other corner and he’s mad…and that’s about it.”

In the end, Stanley agrees to at least fake respect towards Michael. In Michael’s closing interview he claims that he “is a good person and sometimes good people get no respect-Rodney Dangerfield.” This is followed by poor impressions of Rodney Dangerfield, Jeff Foxworthy (“if you don’t get no respect, you know you’re a redneck”), and an indistinguishable Asian person. Yeah he should definitely stick to selling paper.

This week, The Office cameras follow the recently bachelor-ed Michael Scott and Dwight Schrute on a mission to find women in New York City, while their co-workers spend an evening trapped in their all too familiar place of employment.

The episode opens in an unfortunate manner for Michael Scott as usual as he reveals that he got gum in his hair attempting to look at “something shiny”. Dwight uses peanut butter in an effort to remove it which turns into a totally creepy peanut butter head massage. (Side note: who knew you could use peanut butter to get gum out of your hair? The Office: hilarious AND educational.)

Moving on. Everyone’s favourite corporate lackey, Ryan Howard, makes a trip out to his “favourite” Dunder Mifflin branch and calls a meeting to explain why the team has to work on a Saturday (to compensate for problems caused by his brainchild website: Dunder Mifflin Infinity). We learn that the site’s social networking section was infiltrated by sexual predators (Creed’s a fan of the website for the record), and Kelly goes off on her usual rant towards Ryan (“First of all, how dare you?!”).

Before Ryan departs, Michael asks him to set him up with some New York City girls (because as he poetically claims earlier, “it’s not the horniness, it’s the loneliness.”) Ryan declines but tells Michael he wouldn’t believe the girls he gets in the clubs in the big city (I’m thinking rohypnol plays a role). Later, Michael recruits Dwight to go clubbing with him in NYC (because when I think wingman, I definitely think THIS GUY.

Our heroes make it to the Big Apple and meet up with Ryan at a club called Prerogative. Michael observes that the club is full of “hot babies”, which Dwight sees as “a fire hazard.” Ryan welcomes them with a drunken hug and introduces the guys to his friend Troy who Dwight accurately notes bears a strong resemblance to a hobbit.

Meanwhile, back at the office, Jim has the bright idea that if the Scranton gang works a few extra hours tonight they can avoid coming in on Saturday. This idea blows up in his face however, when he forgets to tell the security guard (Hank) that they will be working late and they’re locked in. Unfortunately, Dwight has both of the spare keys and Pam reveals that when she asked him what happens if he dies, he responded, “if I’m dead, you guys have been dead for weeks.” Amazing.

Toby eventually finds Hank’s home number, but because the Dunder Mifflin employees have failed to give their security guard a single tip ever, he takes his time coming to their rescue.

Back in the big city, Ryan’s hands are shaking and he’s clearly high on more than life and beer. After Michael labels the club a “sexy preschool”, Ryan agrees to take the boys to a place where they can meet older women. With the help of a women’s college basketball team (Dwight:”amazons!”), the guys are let into the club. Dwight promptly starts making out with the leader of the amazons, Michael calls his mom (“Yes I am asking girls to dance!”), and Ryan gets beat up by a bunch of women. Definitely sounds like the makings of a successful night out. Ryan eventually gets kicked out and hobbit-man Troy flees the scene with a warning of “don’t take him to a hospital!” Super sketchy.

A few hours to the East, the Dunder Mifflin employees are still locked in. Toby makes an awkward sexual advancement towards Pam and then promptly claims he’s moving to Costa Rica, hops the fence, and peaces out of there. Eventually the cleaning crew shows up and lets the employees out, much to the chagrin of security guard Hank who arrives, takes a look at the cleaning crew, and proclaims “son of a bitch!”

In New York, the swinging bachelors return to Ryan’s apartment where he announces to them that he thinks his friend Troy has a drug problem (Dwight: “Well, I think his species has a higher tolerance than ours”). He asks for advice and Michael is only too happy to share what he has learned on The Wire even though he admits to understanding none of it. You and me both, Michael Scott, you and me both. Dwight and Ryan pass out on Ryan’s bed and Michael decides that he can’t be lonely as long as he has his boys, musing that “a famous person once said ‘boys on the side’, but I disagree, I say ‘let’s hear it for the boys.’”