Dear LiLo,

There are some days when I just want to give you a hug and tell you that everything is going to be alright. Today is one of those days. I heard that you have a scratch on your leg from a morning brawl your with your mom, Dina. WTF?

This morning I heard this awful phone conversation between you and your dad, Michael Lohan, who believed that you were being kidnapped. Probably by your own mother (who you had just gave $40,000 to). This is some seriously messed up business, Lindsay. The first thing that came to my mind was, Jesus take the wheel and save our beloved Parent Trap star from her woes. The second thing that I thought was, when is our dear Lindsay’s life ever going to get better? In all seriousness, I just want you to be okay. I also just want a legitimate sequel to Mean Girls, but that’s a whole other issue.

I heard that you and and your mother left Manhattan’s Electric Room nightclub (at 4 a.m., to boot) and entered a car-ride from hell. Is it true that you fought so much that it escalated into something physical? This makes me sad.

The fight resulted in a 9-1-1 call. The kicker? It was your dad who made the call! And the plot thickens.

I really hope that you’re alright. Maybe partying with Mama LiLo until 4 a.m. is not an option anymore.

xoxo,
Nadya

If you have some chunk change $1000 floating around and feel an inexplicable urge to talk to a has-been celebrity over the phone for an hour than I recommend you avoid calling Dial-A-Star.com and instead talk to a loved one about how you’re feeling. It’s not normal.

Yes, Dial-A-Star.com is a real service that allows you to talk over the phone to your favourite celebs. The stars don’t have to talk dirty, but they do ask for a premium price. Here are some people on call:

Tila Tequila: $20-per-minute
Dina Lohan: $18-per-minute
Angelina (Jersey Shore): $15-per-minute
OctoMom: $12-per-minute
Michael Lohan: $10-per-minute

I find this a very tacky way for celebrities to earn money off genuine fans— if these particular celebs have any that is! I also wonder how they root out the calls from haters as there are bound to be some hostile customers.

Still, if you’re DYING to ask Angelina why things didn’t work out in the Jersey Shore house than you can ring her up. Though there are so many reasons to list your payment will probably be upwards of $200 at least.

RadarOnline reports that Michael Lohan admits he should be dead by now. He’s not saying he necessarily deserves to be dead – more like he has cheated death.

“I don’t know what God has in store for me, but it must be BIG. I should have been dead 5 times already,” Michael exclusively told RadarOnline.

However, Lohan Sr. is back in a court ordered rehab facility, and he thinks things are looking up.

“It’s by far the best treatment facility I have ever worked with or have been to,” he said about A New Day treatment center in North Palm Beach, Fl.  “A little while longer and the blood clot would have taken me out.”

The Lohans are an amazing bunch. Although they act recklessly, they just keep avoiding death. Impressive!

Is Michael Lohan a creepy Dad or just very open-minded? Lohan has said publicly he supports daughter Lindsay Lohan’s choice to pose in Playboy.

“If she’s happy with it, I’m happy with it,” Lohan said on Dr. Drew’s The Lifechangers about daughter Lindsay Lohan’s nude Playboy photos. “It’s a move in a direction where she’s working…so as far as I’m concerned it’s a good move.”

Lindsay reportedly received $1 Million to pose for Playboy. And no doubt she really needs the cash as rumors have been circulating that she’s broke. Nevertheless, it’s still kind of weird Michael Lohan is so excited about his daughter posing naked.

Lovebirds? More like jail birds!

After Michael Lohan’s relentless arrest, his ex-girlfriend, Kate Major is also rockin’ the handcuff bracelets. Perez Hilton reports she was kicked off a plane and arrested after physically fighting with another first class passenger last night.

Kate was taken into custody at the L.A. airport. TMZ says she was arrested for misdemeanor battery and incredibly intoxicated during that time.

What’s ironic is that Kate was on her way to a court hearing regarding her restraining order against Michael Lohan after he allegedly attacked her, when she herself attacked someone else on the plane. Class: definitely not something US airways carries, anymore.

While Lindsay’s due in court today to see if she will do jail time for violating her probation, her father, Michael Lohan has been spending time somewhere we want all the Lohans to be: solitary confinement.

It all started last week when Michael was arrested for attacking his young-enough-to-be-his-daughter girlfriend, Kate Major. After the arrest he defied authorities and continued to contact her and after being arrested a second time, he tried to escape by jumping off a balcony. I guess he thinks he’s in a Super Marios video game where gravity does not exist.

Now, according to a spokesperson for the Hillsborough County Sheriff, Michael has been placed in a private cell under “administrative confinement” while he’s awaiting trial in Tampa. It sounds scary at first but then it starts sounding totally awesome. Can Lindsay get the same treatment? Can we throw the Kardashians in one as well? If only “conducting a scam marriage on prime time television” was a serious crime.

On the same day Lindsay Lohan announced she’s appearing in Playboy, her father, Michael Lohan was arrested on suspicion of domestic abuse. On-again-off-again girlfriend Kate Major called police after Michael turned violent when she refused to give oral sex.

After being cuffed and sent to jail, Michael Lohan complained of chest pains. Cue the sad violin music. After his “chest pains” were treated at the nearby hospital, Michael tried to make a run for it. Mr. Lohan figured he’s watched enough of the show Prison Break to nail a good exit strategy. Unfortunately, a dipshit can’t outwit the po-po!

As you can see in this video on TMZ, Michael sure got an embarrassing pat-down and not the one he’s used to getting from his girlfriend.

Those crazy Lohans – what ridiculous stunt will they pull next. Dina Lohan (Lindsay’s Mom) is now trying to produce a film, and is looking for $5.28 Million from investors.

TMZ reports the film is called ”Growing Defiant” — which takes “a hard look at the social pressures that can lead a kid in the wrong direction.” Does this sound familiar????

And Dina thinks she can potentially get an all-star cast. Her business plan says potential actors include Dakota Fanning, Selena Gomez, Michael Cera, James Gandolfini, Susan Sarandon, Tina Fey,Amanda Seyfried, Hayden Panettiere, Emma Stone, and Mila Kunis … oh, and Michael Lohan, Jr. in the starring role of a heroin addict.

With all do respect Dina, we wouldn’t trust you to make a sex video, nevermind a Hollywood movie.

What do you expect from Lindsay Lohan when her Dad is such a useless douche bag. It’s been announced that Michael Lohan will box John Wayne Bobbitt, reports RadarOnline.

For those younger readers, you may be wondering whose John Wayne Bobbitt? Well John’s penis was infamously severed by his wife, Lorena, with a knife in 1993. He has had some odd jobs since that momentous event, including starring in some porn ironically.

RadarOnline has learned Bobbitt challenged Lohan to three one-minute rounds on June 4 in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida.

“It should be a very interesting match!”Celebrity Boxing founder Damon Feldman told RadarOnline.

“It’s for a great cause, raising awareness for teen drug and alcohol addiction.”

There is so much wrong with this, but we can’t wait to watch this fight.

Michael Lohan really just cannot catch a break. He had serious problems with his former wife Dina and their family, served a prison sentence, and has received an overwhelming amount of bad press due to his disorderly behavior in public.

Now Mr. Lohan has been charged in the altercation with his former girlfriend, Kate Major. Celebrity-gossip.net reports that, Lohan will answer to criminal charges following a domestic violence incident with his Major which occurred this past Monday.

It seems the whole Lohan clan is just spiraling downhill. Two of the four family members are now being charged for criminal acts. It seems they may never learn how to avoid bad press and stop making the same mistakes.

Maybe Lohan and his daughter Lindsay will serve time together?

Michael Lohan will be part of next season’s Celebrity Rehab, Radar Online has learned.

Dr. Drew Pinsky’s VH1 reality show will also feature ‘celebrities’ such as actress Bai Ling and Jeremy Jackson from Baywatch.

“I am at Celebrity Rehab and participating in the show to deal with the issues of codependency, to stop getting involved with and living through people who have addictions, who exhibit negative behavior and to avoid living vicariously thru them,” Lohan wrote. “I am looking to give my life the balance.”

So basically, Michael is saying he’s going to rehab so he’ll stop meddling with his daughter Lindsay’s life. As we all know, Lindsay Lohan has just come out of rehab and is slowly on her way to recovery. Props to her, she’s on the right path. But her path has been a bumpy one as Michael insists on telling the media every single detail of her life. And Dina? Well, Dina is the one who needs rehab the most, but we won’t get into that.

And now her father is going into rehab for ‘balance’? I mean, come on. The man obviously has bigger problems than what he says he does, and I think he needs to go to rehab for more serious things. And maybe he should do so, say, not on a TV show for the whole world to see. Fame whoring is what he’s addicted to, and that’s pretty much what he says he’s getting treated for. So good luck with that.

I don’t think his talking to the media will stop anytime soon. As long as Lindsay is involved in some sort of scandal, Michael will be there. Talking, blaming, and talking some more. But at the end of the day, I wish he would realize he is causing the biggest problems in his family. Just keep your mouth shut, don’t get television deals, and be a father. I bet you Dr. Drew doesn’t have that kind of advice.

Another chapter of the Lohan family drama unveils.

Lindsay Lohan’s father Michael went live on the radio this morning to talk about Lindsay’s court trial, their family problems, and anything else he could exploit to the media. In the radio interview, found on PerezHilton.com, Michael claims Dina has snorted cocaine with Lindsay in the past. When asked if Dina was an enabler for Lindsay, Michael had this to say.

“She drank, she partied, she did coke with Lindsay – give me a break,” said Michael.

“At the begining, before Lindsay went to Betty Ford, Dina was still saying ‘my daughter doesn’t have a problem, she’s fine.’ But now that everyone knows she does and when she admitted it, now she’s coming clean and saying she knew it all along.”

This revelation doesn’t really come as a surprise to me. I mean, everyone knows that Dina’s parenting skills have never been exceptional. Now, to believe this announcement or not is the other issue. Michael has had a long history of lying and stretching the truth to the media, so maybe he is making this up to get back at his ex. It’s obvious they aren’t on the best of terms.

What I do know is that I feel bad for Lindsay. Between her court trials and personal issues, the last thing she needs right now is a very public feud between her parents. Plus, bringing up her drug past is surely not going to help her in her trial. I don’t care how fair the judge claims to be, if they see that Lindsay’s parents are feuding, talking about her drug past, or whatever it may be, this will obviously lead them to see Lindsay in a negative light. Do I think Lindsay is an innocent little angel? No. Did she steal the necklace? Probably. But is it fair that her parents expose her personal life for the whole world to see? Is it okay that I’m sitting here writing about it? No. I can only pray for Lindsay.

Lindsay is still on trial for allegedly stealing a necklace valued at $2,500 from Kamofie & Company. There is supposed video evidence of Lindsay stealing the necklace, but she continues to plead her innocence. The jewlers have had suspicious info in their claims as well, such as the necklace being way overpriced and inconsistencies in their facts.

It has been learned that Lindsay is most likely going to jail for up to six months if sentenced in Judge Keith Schwartz’s court.

The district attorney working on Lindsay Lohan’s case is claiming that Dawn Holland, a Betty Ford Center worker who claims she was attacked by the Mean Girls star, was paid off by the Lohan camp to keep quiet.

Riverside District DA David Greenberg “believes that Dawn’s change of heart was financially motivated,” according to an anonymous source.  Michael Lohan himself even admits to striking up a deal with Holland.

“Dawn has had her attorney meet with me, negotiate with me, and even propose a ‘deal’ with me,” he said. There was allegedly a $25,000 deal in the works, but a new sum and new terms has reportedly been negotiated.

This incident has encouraged the DA to dig even deeper into Lohan’s still-open case to ensure that justice is fully served.

Oh Lindsay! We thought you were in the clear!

After 90 days in the Betty Ford Center, Lindsay Lohan is finally free once more!

Popeater is reporting that Lindsay’s parents, Dina and Michael Lohan, are incredibly proud of their daughter and firmly believe that she has taken huge steps toward getting fully healthy once more.

“She’s just a different person,” Dina explained in an interview with Matt Lauer. “Shes been in a couple facilities, but this one, to me, has really changed her.”

In a separate interview with the Early Show, Michael echoed Dina’s sentiments. “She has taken the right steps and put the right people back into her life,” he gushed.

Lindsay’s parents have had a history of public feuding, especially over what is best for Lindsay, so it’s nice to see them agree about something for once!

Lohan is expected to stay in LA to work on her clothing line rather than return to her Long Island home. She has no upcoming film projects after dropping out of what was supposed to be her comeback vehicle, a Linda Lovelace biopic titled “Inferno”, due to her time in jail and rehab.

Keep up the good work, Lindsay! You can get better! We believe in you!

But what do you think? Do you think she is doomed or will she make it this time?

The balance of the universe was shattered late last week as Michael Lohan revealed that he was in some legal troubles – this time with a random woman from Montana.

Pop Eater reports that an arrest warrant has been issued for Lohan in New York State after it was discoved that he owes money in a Montana paternity suit.

When reached for a quote, Lohan said “I was on parole, and was not allowed to leave New York. So the judge in Motana held me in default, and ordered me to pay child support. I asked for three patermity tests, and even Maury Povich asked her to do one with me, but she refused all three.”

Oh snap! You know you’re in trouble when not even Maury Povich can contain the situation!

Lohan begrudgingly began to pay child support to avoid more legal trouble, but had some issues after sending the second payment late. “[The payment was late] because of election day,” He explains. “But I did send it, and I have receipts. So because I was a couple of days late, they issued a warrant. How sick.”

Hmm, this doesn’t sound like the whole story Mr. Lohan… Since when do you have enough cash in the bank to start paying off random alleged babymamas that refuse to take a paternity test? Sounds suspicious to us!

It’s judgement day (again) for Lindsay Lohan but this morning her father Michael Lohan seems to be claiming a lot of the spotlight.

Michael claims that last night he was attacked outside his home by an old man in a black tracksuit, who also, as Michael says, used a sharp object against him.

Sources tell TMZ that Michael exited his Santa Monica home a little before 10:00 PM, on his way to get cigarettes, and was jumped by a man in his 50’s or 60’s, who put him in a choke hold and allegedly cut Michael’s neck twice with a sharp object.

The Santa Monica Police Department confirmed that they did receive a call at 9:56 PM and responded accordingly, but no suspect has been apprehended yet.

According to TMZ, Michael let police know that before the attack, he had received a threatening phone call.  Also, Michael has reportedly been attributing the attack to someone’s disliking of his decision to go to Lindsay’s court hearing today.

In the continued competition for the biggest celebrity douchebag Dad, Michael Lohan maybe taking the lead beating out both Levi Johnston and Jon Gosselin.

Michael Lohan, father of celebrity wreck Linsday Lohan, issued a statement to PopEater.com explaining why his daughter was released from jail.

“As you know, thank God, Lindsay was released from jail tonight. However, what what most don’t know is that her release wasn’t due to the efforts of any one person. She was released because that’s what God wanted.

Lindsay walked into court, convinced by the ‘machine’ that she would ‘skate’ on the violation, but as it was, that did not happen. As a matter of fact, as was the case last time, Lindsay was misled.”

Lohan added:

“Unfortunately, this is NOT over yet. Lindsay still has to appear before Judge Fox (the same judge Shawn Holley just slapped in the face) on Oct 22. At which time, she will have to face his decision on the violation itself.

Dina and I caused this (by divorcing) and it’s our job to fix it. I pray that Dina and I can come to terms and do just that.”

What an amazing effort by this guy to milk his daughter’s own problems for his own celebrity. Granted we don’t think Dina Lohan is any prize of a Mother, but she has to be better than this schmuck!

We reported last week that Michael Lohan wanted to appear on The Maury Povich Show in order to put to rest comments (what he says are rumours) made by a mother claiming that Lohan is the father to her child.

Kristi Kaufmann has accused Michael Lohan of being the father to her teenage girl and stiffing her on child support payments for her entire life, but doesn’t seem to want the truth to come out—or at least not on Maury.

RadarOnline talked with Lohan about the whole thing and he was pretty clear about how annoyed he is about the whole thing.

“For the third time, Kristi has declined,” he said. “Tell me, if Kristi is so sure, and she even had the nerve to change Ashley’s birth certificate to my last name, why won’t she take the test?”

“We are going to reopen the case,” Lohan continued. “And demand a paternity test. What nerve this three-times scorned con woman has to have her daughter claim she is my daughter, without any proof and not wanting to find out the truth for herself.”

No word yet whether or not Lohan will demand that the paternity test be a segment for Maury.

Michael Lohan, father of Lindsay Lohan, is planning on publically clearing up the rumours that he is the baby daddy to an illegitimate daughter—who’s around 15-years-old.  Now, in this situation, who else would you turn to other than the dirt-day-time TV, Maury Povich.

TMZ’s sources explain that Lohan is talking to producers of the show Maury about having an episode where he would publically show audiences everywhere (in an overly dramatic way) the results of a paternity test.

Lohan claims that he didn’t knock up Kristi Kaufmann 15 years ago and apparently wants to make that fact very public.

The Lohan family never disappoints on the drama front.

PopEater reports that Kate Gosselin has made it clear she wants ex-husband Jon Gosselin to get a job.

It turns out Kate doesn’t want to be supporting their eight kids and douchebag king Jon for the rest of her life.

A source tells PopEater, “Kate is working her fingers to the bone to support her large family and wishes Jon would do the same.”

Jon has apparently had on and off jobs since the split, however nothing has stuck.

“After the split, Jon thought he would become a bigger star without Kate. He hooked up with Michael Lohan to develop a new reality show, ‘First Dads Club,’ but that didn’t work out,” an insider says. “Then Jon thought he would become the next high-end designer when he hooked up with Ed Hardy designer Christian Audigier, but that fell apart too.”

Actually that would be an amazing show – Michael Lohan and Jon Gosselin. We think TVs everywhere would literally blowup with so much douche on one screen.