Whitney Port just became the most exciting character of The Hills- okay well almost. Kelly Cutrone recommends Whitney for a PR job with Diane Von Furstenberg. Who knew Kelly could be nice? This job would involve Whitney moving to New York City. Whitney is extra excited considering her bf Jay lives there. Lauren Conrad says it right, “Dream Boy, Dream Job.” LC says she’s happy for her but you can tell she’s not THAT happy for her. When she arrives in NY, Whitney is dressed up with mega high heels. It looks like she fits in since everyone there are tall and beautiful and wearing mega high heels. This time, Whitney did not trip. Alixe Boyer, the VP Global Image Director interviews Whitney. Whitney says it has always been her dream to work with a designer. She explains she is ready to change her life. Alixe looks happy to hear that. If only she knew what’s on Whitney’s mind…Mr. Jay. When she exits the interview, Jay is waiting for her in ripped jeans and a shirt tied around his waist. I never realized that Whitney and Audrina have similar taste in guys. They see each other for 3 seconds and he tells her, “Call me when you get back to LA.” He actually cares! A boy with a cute accent who actually calls, Whitney’s got it made.
It seems everyone is moving these days. Lauren Conrad visits Audrina Patridge at her ‘bachelorette pad.” She gets a tour of Audrina’s place and it looks like the two are officially at peace. However, LC is not at peace with her parents moving to a different house in Laguna Beach. Lo Bosworth comes with Lauren to help pack some of her old stuff. Lauren’s parents, Jim and Kathy Conrad, actually look normal. They’re moving to a smaller house since all their children have left the nest or will fly away soon like LC’s younger brother Brandon. He’s the only Conrad child without his own MTV show (LC’s little sis Breanna was featured in Laguna Beach Season 3). LC reminisces with Lo about all the fun times in the house, such as her’s and Stephen Colletti’s first kiss. Lo tries to cheer her up, “you have to make memories”
Stephanie Pratt is trying to erase her memories and make new ones. She explains to Spencer Pratt that she and Cameron keep breaking up, for reasons such as Cameron being mad about always driving to her place but her never driving to his. Oh yeah… huge problems. She explains, “we’re gonna try things out again, start over.” Spencer doesn’t believe in second chances. Hello?! Didn’t he get about 5000 chances with Heidi Montag? Spencer’s general recommendation is “go be a nun, join a nun’s thing.” Shouldn’t she know better than asking brother dearest? Spencer tells her she can do better than Cameron. I beg to differ. Later that week, Stephanie brings Cameron to Falcon Restaurant and Lounge where she is meeting up with the Speidies. Spencer is his usual self at dinner, making jabs at Cameron whenever he has the chance. Of course, Spencer manipulates Stephanie’s mind like he does with everyone else in his life and she decides to end it with Cameron. Cameron comes over to her place and she cries to him that “This is the happiest relationship I’ve ever been in…but I deserve better than this.” I’m all for girl power but I’m not sure if Steph can find better, she’s like a train wreck waiting to happen.
When Kelly Cutrone “immediately” needs help in New York, Lauren Conrad and Whitney Port drop everything and go. Cutrone is still the scariest woman of the Hills as we witness her yelling at one of her employees to hang up the phone and get to business. LC and Whitney are there to help with Andrew Buckler’s show during New York Fashion Week for Menswear. The girls are giddy with excitement- especially Whitney at the thought of seeing Alex, the hot model, again. Cutrone tells the girl they “will be seeing him in his underwear a lot.” Whitney and Alex hang out during the show and he asks for her opinion on his make-up, “you just look like you have a really bad fake tan.” When did Whit become such a bitch?! Meanwhile Lauren is befriending Texan Model Adam who invites her and Whitney to his restaurant, “Il Bastardo” for after the show. That night, they arrive and Whitney is instantly mesmerized by the band playing, especially its lead singer, Jay the Aussie. She admits to Lauren, “I can’t be too forward” but 10 seconds later approaches Jay and buys him a shot. Yeah Whitney, not forward at all. But he does promise to sing for her later. “Oh my God and he has an accent… SO Hot!” She tells LC. Alex looks sad and asks Whitney to come sit with him but she says she can’t leave Lauren. Of course she’s also okay leaving the club alone with Jay. Didn’t seem to be thinking about LC then…and she doesn’t even say goodbye to Alex. It’s a whole new side of Whitney!
Unlike Whitney, Spencer Pratt only has one side- the douchbag one. He doesn’t understand why Heidi Montag is sad. Dude, she just got fired.
Spencer: “Why are you in such a bad mood yo?”
Heidi: “Because I got fired from my job that I worked really hard at for 3 years at by being such an idiot.”
At least she’s finally admitting it. She decides to go work on her resume. Spencer’s words of advice “you can put me down as a reference.” Spencer somehow convinces her to go ‘celebrate’ getting fired or as he calls it, her moment of freedom. They head over to club Ultimate where they spot Brent Bolthouse at the bar. Of course Spencer thinks it’s a great idea to go defend Heidi. Heidi knows it’s a bad idea “No, don’t say anything.” Like the 5-year-old that he is, Spencer pretends to go to the bathroom and talks to Brent instead. When he tries to vouch for Heidi, Brent puts him down worse than Heidi’s mom did: “I don’t understand why every time you come around there’s problems… I don’t even know you, Heidi should be talking to me.” Spencer apologizes and slinks off. Heidi realizes she has to mend the situation and Spencer tries to perk her up “You can’t get fired twice.” When she talks to Brent, he seems to consider hiring her back as long as Spencer never goes near the place, “your boyfriend’s a nightmare.” I couldn’t have said it better myself.
Whitney Port finally has her own storyline and the Hills cameras are there to capture every quasi-scripted moment. However, Whitney shouldn’t worry about MTV stealing the rights to her life since her boss at People’s Revolution has already done that. Whitney informs Lauren Conrad that she has to go to NYC pronto since “when [Kelly Cutrone] wants you she wants you.” Kelly Cutrone is not only in charge of Whitney’s work life, she also takes control of her love life. During a photo shoot in NYC, Kelly informs her that it’s fine to ask the male models to drop their pants and take off their shirts. Hmm, can I get that job? Alex, one of the models, stands out from the rest as both he and Whitney had gone to USC. Kelly picks up on their vibe and asks Alex to have drinks with them that night. It seems that Kelly wants a piece of the action too. However, she later phones Whitney to inform her that she can’t make it. “No one’s coming, it’s just you and me,” Whitney tells Alex. He doesn’t seem phased and proposes a walking tour of the city. Alex tries to convince Whitney that NYC is amazing. I guess selling your soul for a hot male model with a degree isn’t so bad. Plus think of all the air miles she’s getting.
Back in LA, Lauren Conrad’s love life is taking an opposite turn. She admits to Whitney that the spark between her and Doug just isn’t there. When Whitney gives her advice on how to end it, Lauren retorts “how would you like to be dumped?” She has a similar conversation with Brody where she admits that her type of guy is one she’s already dated. However, unlike Whitney, Brody’s helpful comments involve “I told you so” and “can we talk about us getting naked tonight!” She sure knows how to pick ‘em. Doug seems to be a passing fad. However, rather than answer any of Doug’s calls, LC pulls a Heidi and decides to ignore them. However, she finally stops by his place and has a heart-to-heart. Oddly enough, Doug looks much better when he’s getting dumped than when he’s getting some. He tells LC that he’s treated her like a princess and then agrees to stay good friends.
LC also decides to stop by Stephanie Pratt’s place where she voices the line all girls should take note of: “I’ve waited too long to pick the wrong guy… you don’t settle.” I guess Heidi didn’t get that memo. But Stephanie wins the award for dumbest chick this episode when she fully convinces herself that her guinea pig is a hamster. When LC tries to point out the facts, a confused Stephanie explains that her pet used to be a hamster but is now a guinea pig.
Instead of buying herself a much needed encyclopedia, Stephanie arrives at Spencer’s place with peace-offering-presents. The presents only slightly melt Spencer’s frozen heart. He laughs at Stephanie and tells her “you want you, me, and LC to all be friends?” Earlier that week, Spencer had told Heidi during dinner that he would never talk to Stephanie again. Heidi tells him that she misses Stephanie and then proceeds to drink a lot of wine, which is what she usually does around him. I don’t blame her. Especially when halfway through dinner, Spencer looks at his watch and announces “time to get in bed and cuddle my dear.”
According to Lo Bosworth, “the ones who matter are getting along.” All she cares is that Lauren Conrad is still her bff and Audrina Patridge is left in the dust. All three are going to Stephanie Pratt’s birthday party at Boulevard 3 and yet the Laguna girls arrive separately from their Orange County roomie. To make amends, at the party Lo tries some fake small talk with Audrina and after exchanging about 15 words (12 were Lo’s), she exclaims “I’m so happy we’re talking!” Audrina’s face is stone cold and without a reply, she grabs her jacket and leaves (I would too since Lo’s dress is straight out of outer-space). As Audrina’s co-worker, Chiara, explains, its Lo vs. Audrina or the dark hairs vs. the light. Hmm… aren’t blondes supposed to win in LA?
But what happens when blondes battle it out? The answer: all hell and some balloons break loose. Stephanie Pratt invites her brother Spencer Pratt along with Heidi Montag to the party but doesn’t hear from them until they arrive at the club carrying a dozen balloons. I guess balloons will make anyone forgive you… if you’re five. And yet they worked on Stephanie as she gushes “this is the best birthday ever!” This was uttered too soon since the sight of Spencer sends her other guests running with Brody explaining he just doesn’t want the drama. LC with her gang of Lo and Doug leave soon after. It seems like the blondes sometimes do win since Doug arrives with Brody and Frankie but leaves with LC. Does anyone else find it extremely weird that he and Brody are so tight?
The battle of the blondes heats up when siblings come head to head the day after the party to see if blood really is thicker than water. Stephanie grills Spencer for scaring off her friends while he gives her an ultimatum; it’s either his ship or Lauren’s since as he explains, if there are two ships, there’s a problem. And of course an episode is not complete without more Spencer douchebag lines, such as “if I could un-sister you I would.” He tries to get some points by being politically-savvy when he uses a simile to describe his and LC’s relationship: “it’s like trying to get Iran and Israel to get along.”
However, one dark-haired individual is scarier than all the blondes combined. Kelly Cutrone, Whitney Port’s boss at People’s Revolution, is not a woman to mess with. When her employee Jessica tries to voice an opinion and asks to work with stylists, Kelly puts her in her place and tells Jessica to leave the decisions to her and to simply be ” pretty pretty happy happy.” Later on, Whitney gets called into Kelly’s office to learn that Jessica has been fired and she is being offered her position. She’ll have to work in both LA and New York, but it’s not the bi-coastal lifestyle that fazes Whitney, it’s Kelly’s announcement that Whitney will be her shadow. Yikes! In my opinion, the ultimate blonde vs. brunette showdown would involve Kelly vs. Spencer.
When did Lauren Conrad and Heidi Montag decide to switch best friends? It seems that LC is cozying up to Stephanie Pratt, while Heidi does lunches with Audrina Patridge. LC’s theory: Heidi is just trying to get close to Audrina because she is mad that Stephanie is friends with Lauren. That’s real nice LC, tell your bestest friend that the only reason someone is befriending her is to get back at you. I know The Hills is supposed to revolve around Lauren Conrad, but she doesn’t have to be so rude about it! In this episode, Audrina seems to have even less of a backbone. She doesn’t argue with Lauren, nor with Heidi. Audrina Patridge just likes to sit and look pretty, like in her nude photos.
Lauren Conrad joins Whitney Port at People’s Revolution for the Mercedez-Benz Fashion Week. Is she actually voluntarily working for she-devil Kelly Cutrone? It seems that LC had met Cutrone previously and Whitney remarks on the crying phone call she had received due to it. “I remember your first meeting with her, you were practically crying!” Nevertheless, Lauren seems to win her over with Kelly Cutrone telling her that she went from “super-slow” to “fashion-glow.” I still don’t get how LC has all week free to volunteer at the fashion shows when she supposedly still works at Teen Vogue. The set up for the shows featured really anorexic-looking models and even shots of Mikey Minden, Robin Antin’s choreographer (he wasn’t famous enough to be mentioned or talked to). And yet, LC mentioned that she would love to work there. That is probably because she somehow got fired from Teen Vogue but we never noticed.
However, the entire episode did not revolve around LC. The episode is titled “Girls Night Out” and Lauren Conrad is missing. Instead, Heidi Montag, Stephanie Pratt, Audrina Patridge and Chiara Kramer (Audrina’s co-worker) head out to S-Bar. I’ve had girls’ nights out and mine are way more fun. The night consists of them all bashing Spencer, including Spratt herself. At least they aren’t partying at Les Deux for once. Of course Spencer Pratt shows up to get the party started. Heidi is shocked when she sees him. Heidi is not only mad that her “boyfriend” crashed her girls’ night out, but wants to resort to physical violence when she spots him chatting up and drinking shots with two chicks. Last episode, Spencer tells Stephanie that he has a master plan for winning Heidi back. I guess his plan involves hitting on other chicks in front of her (Two-possibly underage chicks; Spencer does ask them how old they are). Spencer loses points for being the dumbest boyfriend ever, but he does get props for shaving off his goatee. Although, Heidi isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer either. Who goes on a relationship vacation? If you’re calling it a vacation, you’re enjoying the break WAY more than the relationship. Spencer doesn’t understand the term either. But he’s just mad because relationship vacation to him means he ain’t gettin’ any.