In andPOP’s new weekly “top five” column, Cassandra Gallo will rank everything from obscure song lyrics to the best worst movies. This week she went the totally outrageous route by listing five pieces of motherly wisdom Snooki will probably instill in her child.
Nicole Polizzi has admitted over and over again that she’s not a role model. From GTL to spending a night in jail, this Poughkeepsie Princess doesn’t censor anything.
So how will this self proclaimed Guidette handle motherhood? We can only imagine the rules she’ll allow her child to live by.
Baby Guidette will inevitably choose a modest diet of pickles over seafood. Snooki once said on Jersey Shore: “I hate the ocean. It’s whale sperm…everybody Google it. That’s why I don’t eat lobster and stuff. Because they’re alive when you kill them.” That’s true; the ‘screams’ of lobsters going into boiling water is enough to put anyone off seafood.
It’s also likely that Baby Guidette’s first word will be Guido and his/her first official movement will be the fist pump.
Here are the top five pieces of advice Snooki might teach her meatball:
1) If it’s a girl, her baby bag will probably be armed with bronzer, a tease comb, and makeup brushes, so that Baby Snooki can reach the ultimate Guidette status. Snooki advises girls everywhere in her book Confessions of a Guidette, “the tanner you are, the hotter you are. You don’t want to look like a pale vampire. I don’t care how hot everyone thinks Edward Cullen is, the boy could use a tan. And I don’t care if you’re tan from a spray bottle or whether you’re brown or oompa loompa status, just be friggin’ tan!”
2) Snooki lives by the rule: mix don’t match. She claims, “Less is not more. More is more if you can’t be spotted ten miles away from a helicopter with a blind pilot add some metallic” Her child’s style will be mix of Snooki’s signature animal print, metallic leggings and furry boots.
3) When it comes to handling boys you best be sure that Snooki’s child will know the difference between a Guido juicehead and gorilla juicehead. “ A Guido juicehead is into his tan, his hair, his style and dancing to house music. A gorilla juicehead is into the gym, tanning, his muscle, and himself.”
4) Her child will definitely know what a “true friend” is. Snooki advises in her book: “Don’t let your girls drunk drive, drunk dial, leave a club with random guys, or run around drunk on a beach like a frickin idiot.”
5) Finally, we know when this meatball grows up he/she be smushing material because just like Snooki they’ll moisturize, moisturize, moisturize. On Jersey Shore she constantly says “ you need to lotion everyday and if you’re going to “smush” you need lotion on your butt. So that your butt will be softer than a babies bottom”.
Though Snooki may or may not advise her child to follow these guidelines, she’ll probably want the meatball to release his/her inner Poughkeepsie diva and become the boss of the world.
Snooki is still keeping mum about her supposed pregnancy but we’re now hearing rumors about a Jersey Shore spin-off chronicling her pregnancy. It’s only expected that MTV would cash in on the Guidette’s meatball. Apparently scouts have already contacted a Jersey City baby store named Bambi Baby about shooting on location. The production company that reached out, 495 Productions, is the same one behind Jersey Shore.
I can’t imagine a Jersey spin-off without drunken spills at Karma and deadly morning hangovers, warded off by EVEN MORE drinks. Now the tanned mother-to-be will have even more late night pickle cravings than ever before.
Will you watch the spin-off?