Galen Simmons

We’re on the cusp of a new school year and once again I find myself wishing it didn’t have to be this way. Since my wishes rarely come true, the best I can do is try and smooth the transition into post-secondary hell for those misguidedly eager first-year faces.

I might not be able to convince you to start that 12-page essay a month before it’s due, or stop you from drinking at a floor-mate’s birthday party the night before your final exam; but I can teach you how to speak that incomprehensible college language your elders have already grasped.

So, as my insanely clever title dictates, let’s start with A.

A – All-nighter: A poorly planned decision to leave one’s entire project/presentation/essay/exam-prep until the night before it’s due. e.g. I started seeing dead relatives after my fifth all-nighter in a row.

B – Beer Pong: A classic drinking game that involves getting your opponent more drunk than he/she can get you. I think plastic cups and ping pong balls might be involved too, but my memory is hazy for some reason. e.g. Once we lost all the ping pong balls for beer pong so we decided to up the ante by using tennis balls and beer pitchers instead. [Photo: ipercival]

C – Cafe: Short for cafeteria, the cafe is where students are fed cheap, semi-nutritional food, made by ex-cons and foreign refugees. e.g. Last time I ate at the cafe, I found a shiv in my mashed potatoes.

D – Due Date: For many students, a very stressful 24 hours that could have been avoided through forethought and good planning. e.g. I started researching my essay the day before the due date.

E – Easy A: Read more…