By Christina Pellegrini

Throwing a party to announce a secret relationship isn’t such a good idea when Gossip Girl is stalking your every movie. This “coming out” party is exactly what Blair and Dan decide to do though it just leads to secrets, lies, scandals and the usual OMFG moments.

Parties aside, the most important thing that happened last night was that we FINALLY saw Chuck’s mother after five years of waiting.

Here are the five things I learned from tonight’s episode “Salon of the Dead.”

1)  Absence doesn’t make the heart grow fonder. It’s finally revealed that Diana is Chuck’s mother (who didn’t see that coming?), but this doesn’t seem to make Chuck jump for joy. After not having admitted this to himself for 21 years he feels hurt and abandoned and rightfully so.

2)  Like mother, like son. Chuck has probably been intimate with about half the Upper East Side population (and who knows where else!), but it seems like Diana is the same way. Tsk Tsk for having an affair with Bart Bass when she was only a teenager and then dating Nate years later. Not only is that a total cougar move, but I’m also disgusted she would hook up with her son’s best friend. Let’s just hope Chuck doesn’t end up like either one of his parents! Read more…

By Galen Simmons

Things at Greendale are settling down after the great pillow war and the school is once again relatively peaceful. With little going on at the school itself, the group turns their attention to Britta’s hang-up with her brain-damaged carnie of an ex-boyfriend, Blade, who just so happens to be coming to town with the carnival.

Annie, Troy, and Abed treat Britta like an addict to keep her from relapsing and calling Blade. Meanwhile, Jeff and Shirley confront the dud at the carnival so Jeff can learn the true secret of having women get hung up on him.

Pierce briefly becomes best friends with Chang through musical montage and Dean Pelton is coerced by the dean of the Air Conditioning Repair Annex in a desperate and foolish bid to convince Troy to sign up for air conditioning repair classes.

With that in mind, here are five things I learned from last night’s episode of Community, “Origins of Vampire Mythology.”

1) The fastest, easiest way to get women who hate themselves hung up on you is to suffer brain damage and lose your sense of shame. Whether that brain damage stems from a faulty carnival ride or something falling from the sky and hitting you on the head, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you no longer have the need to prove anything to anybody, including yourself. Maybe Jeff should try the whole brain damage thing. How much more damage could really be done to that whacked-out, egocentric psyche of his anyways? Read more…

By: Christina Pellegrini

Tonight’s episode of Gossip Girl left us with many questions and no answers. It didn’t live up to the rest of the fast paced episodes this season.

As for the five things I learned on last night’s episode, “It Girl, Interrupted,” here they are:

1) “It” girls like Serena are easy to replace especially when Lola is nearby. We all know Serena wants to avoid Gossip Girl’s radar but the fame whore secretly misses the spotlight A LOT.

2) Money doesn’t buy happiness, at least not for Chuck! Yes, we all know he’s maturing, and becoming selfless, which is adorable.  And yes, he didn’t want Blair to know he paid off the dowry, but just like you can’t buy Blair Waldorf, you can’t sell her either. Much to my dismay, Blair still chooses Dan over Chuck, even after the dowry is paid, how disappointing!

3) “It” runs in the family. Lola’s picking up the East-side ways a lot faster than people would have thought, when she uses Serena to get into a party.  People think newcomers take a while to catch the drift, but then again she’s from Florida AND she’s William’s daughter.

4) There’s a relentless Bass on the loose and he won’t rest until he finds out who gave him the blood. If it’s not Jack or Elizabeth then who is it? I’d say that sex-crazed Diana might have had something to do with it, but this show never ceases to surprise me!

5) Clothes and hair make the man. Take, for example, Chuck’s red “onesie” bodysuit that detracted from his normally attractive style and made him look like a teletubby.  I had to rub my eyes a few times because I thought I was seeing things!  As for Dan’s hair, it’s atrocious!  If he wants to keep “princess” Blair Waldorf he has to seriously get rid of the flow.

Tune in next week for a new episode, but until then, xoxo!

By Galen Simmons

Dearest Mother,

By the time this letter reaches you, Troy’s blanket fort has probably seceded from Abed’s pillow fort. Greendale has divided its loyalties along said line, and a conflict of unimaginable proportions has taken place.

General Shirley has won quite a few battles for Troy, but for all her victories, General Pierce seemed to shoot back with his own triumphs. The ever-diplomatic Jeff has been encouraging the feather-shed (get it? Blood-shed?) for his own self-interest, while Annie has been nursing the countless wounded.

There is peace for now, brokered by Dean Pelton, but for how long? All I can do now is hope I live to see another day, but, alas, if I don’t make it home alive, please take comfort in these out of focus, poorly framed battlefield pictures taken by Britta.

Yours truly,

Galen.

P.S. Five things I learned from last night’s episode of Community “Pillows and Blankets” are…

1) When it comes to pillow fighting, the Changlorious Bastards are a force to be reckoned with. When unleashed upon Abed by Troy and led by General Chang, the Changlorious Bastards turned the tide of war. Their youth gave them an advantage over the regular infantry, as most of the regular infantry hadn’t fought a pillow fight since they were young. Only history will tell of the atrocities unleashed by the Changlorious Bastards.

2) General Pierce’s Pillow Suit might have saved countless lives on Abed’s side. The suit allowed Abed, for a time, to defend his soldiers against the infamous Changlorious Bastards. Unfortunately, at the last battle before the peace treaty, General Pierce was struck down by the Bastards. If the war had continued, Abed wouldn’t have stood a chance without the Pillow Suit. Read more…

By Jasmine Williams

Here’s how the secret spills: Winston blabbers to Nick, then Nick’s back starts sweating, then Jess forces the weakling to tell her the secret. Now everybody knows that Cece and Schmidt are hooking up! I’ve been waiting so long for this reveal and it didn’t disappoint. The best part was seeing Schmidt righteously grinning the entire time now that he can admit he’s getting the most action in the apartment. Win for Schmidt!

Anyway, here are five things I learned on last night’s episode of New Girl, “Secrets.”

1) Jess isn’t a fan of secrets. Understandably, she’s unimpressed that her BFF hid a secret for two months and she’s the last to know. In true awkward fashion, she literally runs away from Cece when she sees her and hides in a truck.

2) Serial monogamist Nick has been having one-night-stands with barely-legals. Sounds like a decent (albeit sleazy) situation, but he’s having trouble giving them the morning brush-off since he’s a bad liar and can’t keep a secret to save his life. He hits a new low when he asks Schmidt, now the master douchebag, for some lady help. Can’t lie, the role-play scenes between these two were quite convincing.

3) Jess wants to forbid all past and future secrets. But when she tries to open a dialogue with the guys, she ends up finding out that everyone in the house has “self-completed” while thinking of her. Yup, that’s going to make sharing a bathroom a little awkward.

Watch it here:

4) Winston taps into his inner gospel preacher and becomes the melodic voice of reason of Apartment 4D. He stops two of Nick’s hook-ups from killing each other over a left-behind circle scarf and prevents Jess from doing pretty much the same with Cece. Meanwhile, Schmidt’s still smiling like he can’t believe his luck. Neither can we, dude.

5) CeCe likes Schmidt! CeCe likes Schmidt! And nobody knows except for Jess. How the tables have turned!

By Christina Pellegrini

I call foul: how does Serena have everything stripped away from her but manage to maintain an overly stylized front? The lady looks absolutely gorgeous.

Dan on the other hand… I’m sorry, his looks are fading by my standards. Maybe I’m just so against the whole “Dair” (Dan+Blair) fad, that he seems less appealing to me every episode. He should seriously just get back with Serena.

Anyway, here are the five things I learned on last night’s episode “Con Heir.”

1) As an aspiring journalist, I don’t think Nate’s idea that the people who make the news should be the people producing the news, seems like a bright idea. Subjective much?

2) Jack Bass knows everything. He may not be the best con as he admitted he didn’t donate the blood that saved Chuck’s life, but it looks like he knows who his son’s real mom is. Jack convinced her to come back to tell Chuck who she really is.

3) Apparently two opposites + consuming a lot of alcohol = good sex. All Blair and Dan ever needed was to drink (copious amounts) before they got together. An alcohol induced chemistry will work for the time being, I guess.

4) On that note, make sure to check that the coast is clear before coming over dressed in fancy lingerie, but I think poor Blair has learned her lesson.

5) Blood is thicker than water. Even if Lola wasn’t sure she wanted to be part of the family she still came forward and defended William, making Ivy look like a fool. Once again, Ivy should know, this family is power hungry. Still, most of them want what’s best for each other.

By Galen Simmons

I knew something like this would happen, I just didn’t know it would happen so soon. After last night’s episode, Troy and Abed have declared war on one another, threatening the very fabric that holds Greendale together. While Annie and Jeff struggle to come to terms with gender issues, and Shirley and Pierce meddle in Britta’s love affair with a personified sandwich shop, Troy and Abed’s friendship is torn apart in the wake of a pillow versus blanket fort competition.

Seeing his advantage, Vice Dean Laybourne (guest star John Goodman) takes the opportunity to secretly push the boys farther apart, in hopes that Troy is pushed away from Abed and toward the Air Conditioning Repair Annex.

So, with that in mind, here are five things I learned from last night’s episode “Digital Exploration of Interior Design.”

1) Subway is involved in some sort of KGB-style advertising. They’ve placed an agent in Greendale to ensure that their sandwich shop is legitimate within Greendale’s bylaws. The agent, as far as he or anyone else in Greendale knows, has no identity other than Subway. He doesn’t remember his former life, he can’t fraternize with the student body, and he can’t show real human emotion. To top it off, when code name “Subway” is compromised by Britta’s feminine wiles, he is “disappeared” by an unknown agent from Subway headquarters.

2) Jeff seems to be narcissistic to the point of senility. Apparently, if your name does not relate well to your gender, Jeff will probably not remember meeting you, even after ten introductions over the space of a year. It’s sad really. Jeff didn’t even remember meeting Kim, after spending the entire episode trying to make amends for being inconsiderate.

3) Pierce has an ink problem. No, he doesn’t have an addiction to getting tattoos. Instead, Pierce has taken to drinking the ink out of pens. I’m not a doctor, but I don’t think consuming ink on a regular basis can be good for anyone. I think he needs to be a case study on My Strange Addiction.

4) Abed is a much better architect than Troy. When war first broke out, both Troy’s blanket fort and Abed’s pillow fort took some serious hits. While Troy’s blanket fort all but collapsed under fire, Abed’s pillow fort was able to maintain structural stability despite losing some support pillows. Something tells me Troy should have put more buttresses in.

5) John Goodman looks awesome with a ponytail and a beard. He’s like some sort of air conditioning repair Jedi master.

By Jasmine Williams

Cults, grow ops and drug busts, oh my! Clare’s situation goes from bad to worse and then to okay when she makes a truce with Jake. Hopefully, we see less of the vindictive ex-girlfriend version of Clare and more of the nice nice and rational Clare from now on. However, the real cliffhanger of this episode is Fiona. Now that her two best friends are dating, where does that leave her?

Here’s what I learned on this week’s episode of Degrassi “Not Ready To Make Nice Part 2.”

1) Clare’s new living situation isn’t making anyone happy. Her mom’s crying her eyes out and Summer’s emotionally blackmailing to stay in the cult. Then she finds out her new home is a grow op! And her new family are “herbalists” aka dealers! This girl cannot catch a break! Luckily, Jake has enough sense to tell Clare that she’s in a dangerous situation, but she still decides to stay…

2) That is until the “herb” hits the fan. Clare comes home to find Summer on her cell packing up all the plants. Something stinks and it’s not the weed. But it’s too late, the cops raid her new home and arrest Summer and her boyfriend and detain Clare and Jake, who came to save her. Luckily, she doesn’t get arrested and goes back home to live with her mom and big bro Jake.

3) For a class clown, Mo is really gullible. Connor and KC watch as Mo falls for the fake Facerange girl and agree to meet up with her at The Dot later. I know he was picking on Connor before, but after watching Mo’s face light up at the idea of a date with a pretty girl, the whole thing just seems cruel.

4) Turns out Mo isn’t such a big shot with the jocks. And when he skips an important game to meet Connor’s fake Internet girl, it basically solidifies his loser status. When Mo comes back from being stood up by his non-existent date, he and Connor come up with a genius plan to distract the opposing team and win the game. Seems like the beginning of a beautiful friendship…

5) Fiona’s meddling actually works out and Eli and Imogen agree to go on a date. And it’s all sunshine and rainbows until Fiona starts crying. She plays them off as tears of joy but something tells me she’s not so happy with her handiwork.

By Galen Simmons

Happy New Year… in March. Last night’s episode of Community was surprisingly narrow in focus for once. The episode centred around Abed’s apparent addiction to celebrity impersonators, mixed with a dash of Britta trying to save Jeff from his own mental problems. Shirley, Annie, and Pierce did not really factor into the episode at all, other than being the butt of a few celebrity look-a-like jokes.

So, five things I learned from last night’s episode “Contemporary Impressionists” are:

1) Abed is an addict. He’s also sociopathic, but that’s not the point… or maybe it is, I don’t know, I’m not a psych major. Either way, Abed almost had his legs broken because of his addiction to celebrity impersonators last night, yet he didn’t seem to care. Britta’s planning to take him on as a case study for her psych class, but I think Jeff would be an easier choice, and that’s saying a lot.

2) Jeff still has problems, the latest of which can be metaphorically summed up by an expanding apple. While trying to save Abed from the consequences of his debt to the celebrity impersonator mafia, Jeff’s ego is left unchecked and is eventually enhanced by the anti-anxiety meds he’s taking. Dressed as Ryan Seacrest at a bar mitzvah, Jeff is told again and again that he’s better looking than the guy who’s sort of famous for being good looking. The apple that is Jeff’s ego finally consumes him, leaving him mentally broken by the side of a road for Britta to pick up.

Watch it here: 

3) Troy may not put up with Abed’s antics much longer. He was so upset with his roommate’s latest escapade that he had to convince Abed to give up his free will in certain situations to prevent him from getting into situations that could cause anyone bodily harm. If Abed can’t mend his ways, we may see a splitting of friends in episodes to come. And I don’t know if I can take that.

4) Britta’s psych classes at Greendale require her to study and diagnose her mentally unstable friends. I suppose if I were in psych and had six nutball friends as examples of unhealthy psyches, I would probably pick up the ability to diagnose people’s mental disorders as quick as Britta did.

5) Dean Pelton is so susceptible to Jeff’s anxiety-medicated swagger force field that he ends up writhing on the ground, half in pleasure, half in pain. Never underestimate the power of aviator sunglasses and a beard.

By Jasmine Williams

While Jess and her new older man-friend Russell are the intended focus of this episode, I can’t help but pity Nick. He’s so broke that he weighs more than his credit score, can’t afford a phone and wears said older man-friend’s sweater to be a little more like him. The whole thing comes across as playfully self-depreciating embarrassingly delusional.

Anyway, here are five things I learned from last night’s episode of New Girl, Fancyman, Part 1:

1) Nick has a really low credit score — like 250 low — which means he must become “the guy without a phone” as an attempt to make his poverty seem less like, well poverty, and more like a lifestyle choice. Also, apparently it’s okay for sales associates to openly mock and laugh at customers with ridiculously low scores, ie Nick. That’s cold, real cold.

2) Jess has to suck up to a student’s father (Russell) because the principal doesn’t want to lose the guy’s yearly donation. Jess is all ready to chew him out and “stick it to the man” but then he helps her out when her car stalls by — wait for it — lending her his car! So much for “fight the power,” right?

Jess plans to stick it to the man: 

3) Schmidt is a trivia god. In proper Shmidty form, he’s not humble about his brilliance and will probably have to invest a serious amount of cash in the douchebag jar. He also knows how to completely ruin a make-out session with his big mouth. Yes Schmidt, you were talking too much while Winston kissed his new girlfriend.

4) Winston is still a part-time nanny (remember that?) and he’s so peeved about Schmidt’s trivia prowess, that he gets the young boy he’s looking after to tutor him. Somehow his foolproof plan of memorizing random trivia questions about key subjects like “Mesopotamia” didn’t work out and Schmidt still kicks his butt. Shocker.

5) Russell is nice to Nick (the poor bartender) because he knows what it’s like to be young and broke but mostly because he’s Jess’ friend. I guess he really likes her but it’s a little suspicious that he’s compelled to give away an expensive iPhone to get a girl. Anyway, Jess and Russell have plans for a date and I can’t help but wonder whether their clashing values are going to work out.

By Jasmine Williams

Clare is a ticking time-bomb as her family situation grows more and more unbearable. She’s livingwith her ex-boyfriend, and that must be beyond uncomfortable — especially when you’re not over him.

But honestly, I think home-girl needs to relax. While her situation is pretty awful, I don’t think the hostility or all those public outbursts are needed, and it prevents me from having real sympathy for her. Can you imagine going to school with someone like that? Maybe try channeling all that aggression into focusing on school and moving on from Jake instead of calling out your friends in homeroom, Clare.

Anyway, here are five things I learned on this week’s episode of Degrassi, “Not Ready to Make Nice Pt 1.”

1) Jenna “always-gets-her-man” Middleton set her sights on another Degrassi hottie. And another one of Clare’s ex-boyfriends. Once a backstabbing boy stealer…? The situation gets even more “awkweird” when Jenna is invited to her step-brother/ex Jake’s birthday party.

2) Who knew that underneath those lab goggles, Connor can play a mean football game? But his Asperger’s is getting in the way of him adjusting to this particular peer group. Hopefully his mad skills begin to speak for themselves. Also, is it just me or did Connor get way buff? Summer does a body good.

3) Fiona has a crush on Imogen… and she plans to make her feelings less obvious by hooking her up with former crush Eli, who is also still into Imogen. Doesn’t Fiona realize that she gets the seriously short end of the stick in this scenario? Nothing’s worse than having your two best friends date, especially when you have a thing for one of them.

4) According to Connor, 37 percent of relationships that begin online are successful. And it looks like he’s going to use that knowledge to play a mean prank on Mo who has been picking on him. This guy designs apps; I’m a little worried if he’s starting to use his powers for evil.

5) Clare has nowhere to go between living with her ex and her ex’s dad and moving in with her dad and his marriage-wrecker girlfriend. So she moves in with a woman who sells vampire romance fiction and runs a pseudo-shelter for homeless teens. An admirable cause, but the fact that Clare has to ditch her cellphone to stay sounds more like a cult to me.

By Jasmine Williams 

Last night’s episode was just another example of how New Girl is slowly becoming the “Schmidt Show,” with him being the focus of not just one but two plot lines. Not that I mind, he’s clearly the most hilarious and well-developed character on the show and we even got a fat Schmidty flashback last night which is always fun (minus the vomit).

But the main plot lines are starting to drag and the subplots are becoming a little cliché and forced. Schmidt changes, and then everyone realizes he was better before? Sounds more like a Disney Channel original movie than a network TV show. And it needed more SchmeCe! Cemidt? I’ll work on it.

Anyway, here are five things I learned on last night’s episode “Control.”

1) Schmidt is growing increasingly neurotic about his secret sexy-time situation with CeCe. And who wouldn’t when a midnight rendezvous requires an encounter with the “new homeless” and soiling a pair of suede loafers?

2) Nick’s financial situation is getting dicey. After losing a poker game, a hungover Nick wakes up with curious cannon shapes on his back (note: definitely not cannons, Jess) and a $487 debt to Winston. But Nick is broke and neither is letting it go, reminding each other of all their previous debts and favours.

3) Jess probably shouldn’t have challenged Schmidt’s neat-freak ways by turning the apartment into an episode of “Storage Wars” and taking him to the beach. A hutch is broken and Tahitian vanilla is placed next to the garden variety. Needless to say it gets ugly.

4) There is a very delicate balance of control in the apartment. Schmidt learns to relax but Nick and Winston descend into chaos, getting into a fistfight in a grocery checkout line. Also, Schmidt joins a drum circle and eats street meat. The apocalypse is nigh.

5) Looks like CeCe is possibly falling for Schmidt when she sneaks into the apartment for some late-night nookie. But does she really want him, or just his itty-bitty-Schmidty? I guess we’ll have to wait and see.