andPOP - Pop Culture With Substance

Hayden Panettiere is 18, and now you can get into her pants!

The Heroes star is auctioning off some of her wardrobe on PanettiereCloset.com, in order to raise funds for the Save The Whales Again campaign.

The cause is close to Panettiere’s heart, after she visited Tiji, Japan last fall. She joined a group of peaceful protestors, and swam out on a surf board to the nets where fisherman had trapped a group of whales. Panettiere and her friends wanted to cut the nets and set the animals free, but soon the fishermen had caught up to them and became violent, even attempting to harm the protestors with their boat’s propeller. Panettiere has since found out that there is a warrant for her arrest in Japan.

Though the new site has some kinks that need to be worked out, some of the most popular items of Panettiere’s clothing will be auctioned off in the coming days. The site offers bottoms, caps, dresses, hoodies, outerward, shirts, shoes, watches, and more, all of which were donated by Panettiere. The items are not necessarily right off Panettiere’s back, however: the site explains that many of the items “have never been worn, while some have been worn by Hayden once. (e.g. to awards ceremonies, photo shoots, etc.)”

We’re all built differently so we should dress accordingly.

Sounds simple doesn’t it?

Tell that to the countless jelly rolls, back fats, and hazardous cleavage that have graced the fitting rooms where I work. And since commission is mostly an evil ghost of retail past when something looks bad, I?ll tell them.

But of course when a customer asks if these jeans make their butt look big I?ll never say, ?No, your ass looks big on its own.? Instead I?ll tell them that it doesn?t fit them well and that it looks really uncomfortable and recommend something that will suit them better.

And no I?m not just isolating overweight people as the main culprits of crap-tacular fashion crimes; every body type has certain items of clothing that should be avoided:

For example:

-Short people should stay away from turtlenecks (shortens the neck and the whole body)
-Women with broad shoulders should avoid camisoles (makes shoulders wider than they are)
-Men with skinny arms should avoid long sleeved T-shirts and baseball T?s (emphasizes skinniness)

Anyways if your figure is curvier than the average man or woman, here?s the proper way to dress, starting with women:

Pants should be cut straight with a wider leg or a flare at the bottom. Though tapered legs are forbidden for everybody, they do the most damage to plus sized figures (imagine a pastry bag bursting with butter cream, and no, I didn?t realize the horrible connection until the article deadline).

When it comes to jeans, smaller pockets minimizes the bum and forget those super tight, super low-rise cooch pants because we all know what will happen: the flab created from the jeans will spill out, see its shadow and we?ll have to endure six more weeks of winter. Remember also to go for the darker washes and a little distressing (as much as I hate faux distressing) down the thighs to help elongate the body.

Stay away from bright colours and shiny fabrics. This doesn?t mean that you?re condemned to a life of black pants and skirts (which should be kept at knee-length or lower); it means that you should opt for richer colours like deep browns, reds, blues and greens.

Tops should have wider straps (no spaghettis please!) and should never fit too tight or else you?ll get an eyeful of armpit cleavage (you know what I?m talking about ladies). Also, dresses with empire waists rarely look good unless you want to be asked if you?re pregnant every five minutes.

Keep the cleavage to a minimum because it?s like watching a car teeter over a cliff, you know something?s going to happen eventually. Prints should be kept on the small scale to maintain proportions. Speaking of proportions, absolutely no shrugs, skinny scarves or matchbook-sized purses with skinny straps are allowed.

Bright colours can be added in small doses in the form of a scarf, a top under a jacket or jewelry. I?m not for flashy tops in general anyways; it reminds me of the pylons that I had to maneuver around in eighth grade gym class.

Overwhelmed by the rules? Don?t even think about abandoning it all and wear mens? XXL t-shirts and sweats. That just adds on the unnecessary pounds and eliminates any evidence that you?re a woman with curves that those skinny bitches would kill for.

Moving on to the male counterpart, stick to straight legs when it comes to jeans. As popular as bootcut jeans are, they?re cut slimmer in the thigh and from what I?ve seen while working in the fitting rooms, it doesn?t fit everyone. From the knees up, it looks like ground meat being squeezed into sausage casing. There?s no shape whatsoever, just one overstuffed flesh tube from the rear down to the knees. Then there?s the bootcut leg opening where the denim just flaps in the breeze. Does not look good, people!

Go for jeans and pants that are cut straight, nothing fancy like slim cuts or flared openings. In the summer, do not wear white pants even though they?re oh so ?Euro chic? (or Euro trash in my books).

Under no circumstances should pleats be worn. They add pouf to the midsection, you might as well be wearing Mom jeans. Also avoid the trend of jeans with whiskering around the crotch and thighs; they just make you look like you?re stretching the life out of them jeans.

So let?s just say this to get it over with once and for all: Just because it?s trendy does not mean that it?ll look good on you (or no one in the case of trucker hats, pointy dress shoes and popping shirt collars).

Speaking of shirts, trade in the horizontal stripes for vertical stripes but keep away from bright colours (as most guys should do anyways). Like women, avoid large prints (unless you?re a drunken sophomore in a fraternity) and those slim fitting shirts from H&M. What?s the male equivalent of female armpit boobs? A pregnant belly.

Although store mannequins are usually there to make the shopping process easier by giving you examples on how to put together outfits, remember that the average female mannequin is a size two and that male mannequins have a 30-31 inch waist, not to mention the clothes are often pinned back to give a more slimming silhouette. The best thing to do is to get a close and honest friend or family member to accompany you on all shopping expeditions to ensure that jelly rolls wouldn’t pop out and we can all enjoy an early spring.

A while ago while explaining what the ?G? in L/G meant to an American tourist (?Grand? Oh yeah, you Canadians speak French too, EH?? he replied with an elbow jab) a coworker then came up to me to say that some male customers are discouraged from purchasing smaller sizes because the French translation is “petit.”

Of course, no guy wants to be petit or else they?ll be shunned by society and catapulted into Tampon Island. Thinking that this was pure nonsense I was surprised by the number of guys who are insulted whenever I suggest an extra-small or that they try some of the kids? clothing.

Alright, it?s time to put away that stupid male-chauvinist, retail way of thinking (especially when you?re buying a pink and purple striped shirt or one with embroidered flowers, yeesh). For one thing, it?s counter productive. Wearing a shirt that?s too big doesn?t say tough, it says, ?Five-year-old boy trying on daddy?s work clothes.? Wearing a shirt that fits, regardless of what size it says on the tags, gives a cleaner cut, professional image that really says, ?Grown-up.?

On a side note, women (and some men) of the world: stop being so hung up on what size you are. I don?t care if you?re a size 6 in one store but you?re a size 8 here. It fits well, it looks good, buy the damn jeans. Don?t be a slave to some random number that isn?t even consistent among stores.

Anyways, this is where it?s advantageous to be a man or woman that?s smaller in stature: the ability to enjoy the adult AND kid?s departments. Sometimes a men?s size extra small is still too big for me so I head towards the kid?s department where the shirts are cut shorter in length.

Whenever I wear a sweater or a t-shirt from the kids? department, people would always come up to me and ask where I got it. That?s another bonus. It?s so easy to pinpoint where everybody got their clothes these days (or have I just been wandering the mall during my lunch break too much lately?). As strange as it sounds, kids? departments and stores are still unknown to most people. They sound surprised whenever I say that I got it from the boy?s section because it doesn?t have pictures of Spiderman.

Designers have caught on that kids are maturing faster and want to look like their twenty-something ?teen? idols. As a result, girls now have low-rise bootcut and flare jeans, sequined shrugs and basically anything that ?People Magazine? spotted Sarah Jessica Parker wearing in the past years. For guys, it?s about blazers, polos and t-shirts that surprisingly have much better designs than their adult counterparts.

Children?s lines have managed to be innovative and cute with their designs (cartoon graphics, unusual colours and patterns) but nevertheless remain plain and simple (one or two stripes, unique but still wearable designs and colours). On the other hand, adult lines have fallen victim with the need to be trendy. Result? Fugly bo-ho chic everywhere. Frumpy ballet slippers overflowing sale racks. Wacky tacky, circus-appropriate woven shirts for men. The horror continues on to the next season.

Before you think to yourself, ?I?m not four feet tall and weigh fifty pounds,? you should see just how big these children?s sizes go. At the Gap, for example, an XL in boys is like an extra-small in adult (and the kid sizes go up to XXL!).

Also remember that children?s clothing has no PST and are generally less expensive than the adult clothes. So the next time you?re shopping, don?t hesitate to stop by at the children?s section to fight off little Susie for that last lavender cardigan.

We all have that certain friend or family member who would always have an endless inventory of musings from working in a clothing store. Whether it’s idiotic customers, annoying coworkers or a splendiferous combination of the two our ears always anticipate the latest rambling from the often underappreciated occupation of a sales associate. Here are mine.

The “I’m God’s Gift to Women” Customer:

While a customer was in the fitting room, his friend and I were waiting outside. Moments later, the friend whispered in my ear, “Do you think Oriental girls have big (rhymes with mitts)?”

Bear in mind that this happened during my first week of work. Shocked and speechless, I sheepishly replied, “I’m not saying anything.” I then went over to the other side of the store to fold shirts as if Oprah’s Dream Bus was at my doorstep and I only had a minute to pack for a week in Chicago.

My managers didn’t know whether to react with disgust or laughter when I told them about the incident later that evening.

In another isolated case, a man (apparently possessed by the spirit of Tony Morano) strutted into the store telling me that he has a party to attend that night and had to buy an entire new outfit.

Although he was a very pleasant customer to deal with I couldn’t help but stifle a giggle at his “Saturday Night Fever” swagger and faux Brooklyn accent. Wearing a half-unbuttoned shirt that revealed a deep V of chest hair adorned with gold chains, his Sly Stallone demeanor purchased a complete outfit that would make him the most popular “playa” at the club, err, bar mitzvah.

The “I Know What You Bastards Are Up To” Customer:

Man: Are these jeans really $128?
Me: Yes. It’s because they’re limited edition.
Man: Limited to what?
Me: Not all the stores sell them and once they’re gone, they’re gone.
Man: Well isn’t that unfair.
Me: Plus the quality of the fabric is better so it’s thicker, softer and more durable than the regular jeans.
Man: (Makes blah blah blah gesture with his hand complete with eye roll.)

My coworker paraphrased what was in my mind at the time perfectly.

“Actually we just write down random numbers on price tags?”

Sir, you asked the question and I’m giving you the answer. If you’re not going to buy the jeans then go away. But I have a feeling that you still want the jeans so you fool yourself into thinking that you have foiled the marketing ploys of a transnational corporation and thus feel as though the jeans are not worthy of your MENSA mind. I know what YOU are up to.

Me: You should check out our t-shirts. They’re two for $30 and the colours really match the shirt that you’re getting.
Man: Of course you think they match, you’re getting commission.

ATTENTION ALL CUSTOMERS. We’re not all snake-oil salesmen working on commission. Our store got rid of it a long time ago because it created competition among employees and they were one pair of sandblasted loose fit jeans away from strangling each other with $19.50 canvas belts. We get paid whether we sell 5 000 outfits or a single pair of defective boxers at half price. We (well, most of us anyways) actually care about your appearance and want to make you look good. Clothes in a clothing line obviously match each other so we naturally make recommendations.

The “I’ve Seen Better Stores Than This” Customer:

I can’t even count the number of times when a customer would ask if we have any shirts like Club Monaco or jeans like Diesel. When I show them what we have they nag that it’s not as good as the “better” brands. If you wanted a Club Monaco shirt, how exactly did The Gap pop into your mind?

A customer from Not-So-Jolly-Old-England complained that only The Gap in London had his sizes. Why didn’t you buy the damn jeans back home? It’s the same price and more importantly, why are you shopping at The Gap while visiting Toronto? Roots is two floors up.

The “Are There Any More Discounts?” Customer:

I’m all for bargain hunting and not paying retail price but sometimes its infuriating to have a customer who thinks that $19.99 is expensive for a woven shirt that used to cost $70.

Since this is the month for markdowns in all of the stores, I’d always get one or two customers who would come up to me and ask for a price check to see if it’s still $14.99 since the last five minutes I’ve checked. Repeat this process six or seven times and you’ll have the customer I dealt with yesterday. I was thinking to myself, “You better have a short-term memory problem.”

As for the regularly priced merchandise, I don’t know why people think that they can haggle, it’s not Chinatown. Yes, I’ve seen the undercover investigations that “Dateline” and “Primetime Thursday” did where the producer was able to get a discount at Macy’s but it’s not going to work here.

If the price is marked wrong, we’ll give you the lowest price. If the item is damaged, we’ll give you 20 per cent off. Other than that, don’t treat me like a car salesman where I’m desperate to sell you something in order to make my next paycheck (I’ll refer you back to the paragraph regarding commission).

There’s a lot more to write about so when I’m (again) absolutely stumped for ideas for a proper fashion column on a Thursday night, I’ll continue with parts two, three and four.

The next time you shop for clothes, remember to treat the sales associates with respect or else they’ll write about you and publish it on a web site.