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Brooke White says that being on “American Idol” was an emotional experience and that leaving the show was “kind of a relief.”

“I think after Tuesday night I was ready [to go on],” White told reporters today. “Then I woke up Wednesday morning, and I knew: Brooke, you’re going home.”
White was voted off during Neil Diamond week after two performances that were not enough to impress the judges and viewers. Judge Simon Cowell labelled one of White’s performances as a “nightmare.”

The once “Idol” winner hopeful placed fifth overall.

When I think cool and contemporary, I think Neil Diamond. Except not at all. (Unless we’re talking about Will Farrell as Neil Diamond which is kind of hilarious). So Neil seems like kind of an odd choice for a show that is desperately trying to recapture the attention of the crucial under-25 demographic. But obviously someone important at Idol headquarters disagrees as Diamond plays musical mentor this week to the top 5 contestants.

In a cruel twist of fate, Ryan Seacrest reveals that the “American Idol” contestants are each to sing 2 songs tonight from Neil Diamond’s musical catalogue. Two Neil Diamond songs?! That’s rough. I feel your pain, kids.

Jason Castro starts things off singing “Forever in Blue Jeans” and later, “September Morn”. He sings the former with his guitar and the latter without and it seems like he always does a lot worse sans guitar. “Michelle” in Beatles week? Brutal. The judges think it was all bad though as Randy Jackson calls both songs “just ok, whatever”, Paula Abdul advises him to get out of his comfort zone, and Simon Cowell says he doesn’t even recognize him anymore.

David Cook chose the songs “I’m Alive” and “All I Really Need is You”, neither of which I have ever heard, but both of which he makes sound kind of cool. And how can you not respect a guy that makes random Neil Diamond songs sound cool? Neil himself says Cook gave him goosebumps but he’s so monotone that it sounds like he’s lying. Randy calls his performances “blazin”, Paula says she’s already looking at the american idol, and all the judges agree that it’s Cook’s ability to make songs contemporary that makes him appealing.

Brooke White is wearing what looks like an old costume from my low-budget youth theatre company (sparkly super-wide bell-bottoms and a frilly shirt. Belted of course), and she’s singing “I’m a Believer” (which Diamond apparently wrote for The Monkees) and a song called “I Am I Said”. “I’m a Believer” comes off super corny and karaoke-esque, but she plays piano for “I Am I Said” and the singer-songwriter at the piano thing usually works for her. None of the judges praised her first performance (Simon called it a nightmare), but they all agree that the second one brought out the Brooke White that they like.

Next up is David Archuleta, who Neil Diamond calls “kind of a prodigy.” Only kind of? I wonder what it takes to be considered a full-blown prodigy. I’ll have to ask Neil the next time I see him. Archuleta is back to dressing like a kid this week and he does fine with his first song, “Sweet Caroline”, but his second song, “Coming to America”, is more his style. The gigantic American flag waving on the screen behind him doesn’t hurt. Randy thinks he is “the bomb”, Paula tells him, “I love you, you were brilliant, have fun” (umm what?), and Simon says that his performance “ticked all the boxes”, whatever that means.

Closing the show is Syesha Mercado singing “Hello Again” and “Thank the Lord for the Nighttime”. More songs I have never heard of. Awesome. She clearly agrees with Dane Cook’s perspective on shoes as she is not wearing any. For the entire show. Her first song is fairly boring (Simon calls it old-fashioned), but the jazzy vibe of her second song works with her performance style. Neil monotone-ly says she’s infectious and makes me really miss Andrew Lloyd Webber. Randy believes she’s finally realizing who she is, Paula compares her to Corinne Bailey Rae and another singer from the 60s whose name I have never heard, and Simon believes she might be in trouble vote-wise.

It seems that only the Davids are safe for results night, while Neil Diamond is set to perform. Get ready with your fast forward button as Mr. Diamond may be a classic but it turns out he is super dull.

Ryan Seacrest’s fauxhawk is sitting at about a 4.5 on the pointiness scale tonight as he declares it the “toughest test yet” on American Idol.He eventually informs us that it’s Andrew Lloyd Webber week and we get the obligatory video clip summing up his career in 4 minutes, during which my mom exclaims that “he looks like the grinch!” And he kind of does.

The top 6 are introduced and Syesha Mercado starts off the show singing a song called One Rock and Roll Too Many. Wikipedia tells me it’s from a play called Starlight Express which was apparently performed on roller skates. No wonder I’ve never heard of it. Syesha looks really elevated and I can’t figure out why until I realize she is standing on the piano. Um, risky much? She doesn’t sound as good as she usually does but Randy Jackson thinks it’s her best yet, Paula Abdul tells her she’s in her “happy place” and makes me want to watch Happy Gilmore, and Simon Cowell says theatre is her thing.

Jason Castro is next and he’s singing Memory from Cats. He admits he’s never seen an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical, which is not even remotely shocking coming from this guy. Andrew Lloyd Webber never thought Memory would be sung by a person with dreadlocks and Jason Castro was apparently unaware that the song was sung by a cat. Nonetheless, he goes ahead with it. It’s clearly too much for him as Randy calls it a “train wreck”, Paula falls back on the “you made it your own” thing, and Simon gets to use his favourite wedding analogy when he says it seems like Castro’s parents forced him to sing it at one.

Brooke White chose You Must Love Me from Evita and has to re-start her song for the second time this season. While the first time was kind of endearing, this time it’s just plain awkward since she has to stop the whole band. Once she gets into it she looks like she’s in pain throughout the entire song and I’m not sure if it’s because she’s trying to look like she’s dying (because Webber told her that’s what’s happening to the character in the play) or if she’s actually literally dying of embarrassment. All the judges agree that the mistake at the beginning really threw her and ruined the remainder of the song.

David Archuleta is dressed like a waiter in some new, hip restaurant and before he sings Ryan invites a handful of random girls up on stage to hug him. He laughs awkwardly, because what else does one do whilst being hugged by strange children on national TV? He’s singing Think of Me from Phantom of the Opera and actually makes it into kind of a cool pop-soul song. Sir Andrew and my mom love it (”Wasn’t that beautiful?! It was beautiful!”). As for the judges, Randy says he’s the one to beat and Paula says it was perfect, but Simon plays the bitter British dude role and says it was one of his weakest performances.

Carly Smithson is up next and Webber advises her to choose Jesus Christ Superstar, reasoning that “you’ve got to find a song that suits your voice, a song that you can live in, you can inhabit,” and the English accent makes it sound like the sagest advice anyone has given in the history of ever. She takes his suggestion (obviously, he’s British…and Andrew Lloyd Webber) and comes out rocking, although I’m pretty sure she’s wearing a beaded rug that was previously displayed on my living room wall as a dress. Randy likes the outfit (this from a guy who was seen in public wearing this) and says the performance was “good”, Paula is basically incoherent, and Simon claims it was one of the best of the night.

David Cook closes out the show, choosing yet another song from Phantom of the Opera: Music of the Night. The stylists have slicked his hair down to his head a bit more for this performance, possibly to make him look less rocker-ish and more musical theatre-ish, and he proves that he actually can pull off the musical theatre thing because he does have a good voice. Randy calls the performance a “hot, molten hot, lava bomb” (genius), Paula repeats what she’s said to everyone else on the show, and Simon says he prefers David unslicked but that he did well with what he was given.

Jason Castro and Brooke White are probably at risk on results night and Andrew Lloyd Webber is set to perform. Here’s hoping he comes out wearing those stylish red corduroy pants he was sporting throughout Tuesday’s episode. What a stand-up guy.