I am a..ninja

Hi everyone, my name is April Apoong and I’m the new intern writer at andPOP.com. Yes, I am their first female game reviewer. I am currently pursuing creative writing at a Post Secondary level and reviewing and writing about games was a natural choice for me. Trust me, I’m no pushover, have you finished Tenchu Wrath of Heaven on the highest difficulty 100 percent? Ever gone on a 30 to 1 winning streak in Dead or Alive 2? Well I have! For these reasons and more I am bringing my zany writing talents to the shores of andPOP. So prepare to see some well written unapologetic video game centric works of literature.

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Parent’s Just Don’t Understand… Yet?

Hey Ethel! I killed those Nazi zombies with my, uhh... I killed those Nazis!

Our parents are great, for the most part.  When we are too small to defend or feed ourselves, they take care of us.  As we grow and mature, they guide and nurture us so that we can become fully functional human beings, and not the equivalent of lower primates, sitting in trees flinging our own crap at each other (thank you Red Forman).  But one area where most parents don’t quite have the ability to be the all-knowing influence they would like to be:  video games.

When I was growing up playing tag and hide-and-seek, my parents totally understood.  They would ask how the game went, where I was hiding, what kind of tag rules I played with – they were very involved, because they could relate my experience to their own. However, when I picked up my first Genesis game, they watched Sonic the Hedgehog like he was an alien from outer space (wait, was he?), shook their heads, and left the room.  Thus ended my parent’s ability to fully understand me – from that day forward, there would always be that barrier between us – the invisible yet impassable wall made of 1-ups and gold coins.

But will it always be this way?  Should I ever be unfortunate enough to have a pack of small versions of me running around underfoot, will I end up leaving them to their own devices when it comes to electronic entertainment?  Or will I be able to enjoy a visit with them to our very own holodeck (wishful thinking, I know) once in a while?

Mastering DDR will never make your kids think you're cool. It may actually hurt that cause.

We know that most parents of the young (18 and under) gaming demographic right now, as well as the parents of my generation, the old guard of gaming (22-30 as of 2009) are lost when it comes to games.  This is mostly because games they played when they were young were not video games.  Board games and outdoor games were the pastimes of the day.  If kids today suddenly picked up jacks or kick the can, their grandparents would be all over it.  Any video games that these parents played were arcade games at best – a far cry from the Super Nintendo.

The difference there is that when my generation starts having kids (and some unlucky and/or stupid members already have), what kind of tech-savvy parents will we be?  I’m sure that there will be the parents who just don’t get it, and that’s fine.  But consider that our generation was the first real generation to have the bridge between adult’s childhood games and their children’s games blown to pieces by the advent of console gaming, leaving them to stare across the gap at their offspring playing games they could barely understand.  Believe me when I tell you tag has been around forever. Your parents and their parents never reached an impasse because Grandpa couldn’t understand what was going on in hide-and-seek.  So is it so revolutionary that we may be able to relate better to the next generation than our parents could with us?  Or were Mom and Dad the exception to the rule?

I think it will be interesting to see whether or not the developing demographic of casual gamers rises to the challenge to understand and appreciate their kids’ new games.  It might be depressing and embarrassing to be the guy who has to say to his kid “In my day, we had to play video games with controllers!  On TV screens!  That’s television, son! And we were thankful!” However, if you sit with the kid after your rant, and see what the new game is for the PS4000, you might just earn his respect. At least until you slip gradually into senility and start cursing at the child while making obscene gestures every time you lose (although a symptom of senility, this is also a symptom of FAIL).

Hey Timmy, are you playing the new Poke-a-man? Sure, Mom.

The last time I talked to my mom about video games was actually not that long ago.  I asked her (with this article in mind) the last video game she had played besides the ill fated night she tried to play GoldenEye on the N64 with my brothers and I (good night, by the way – she spent 5 straight minutes trying to shoot out a camera with dual RCP90’s – and infinite ammo).  She then told me that I should be proud to have a mother who could beat my father at Donkey Kong Jr. at the arcade when they were young lovers.  I was blown away!  Could this veneer of kindness, smiles and silly voices hide an inner core of gaming prowess that I simply never noticed before?  Time for a follow-up question.  Say Mom, you played  Donkey Kong Jr., so you must remember Pac-Man, right?

“Oh yeah.  He eats things, and…”

Yeah, I know.  I laughed too.

If you have any hilarious stories about your parents/kids and video gaming, or the opposite event of a parent stomping you in Halo or Mario Kart, let me know below.  This might even lead to a Top 5 List!

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I'd hate to see the result of this guy losing rock paper scissors.

You know, I have recently become enamored with the idea of the Top 5 List, as I’m sure you have gathered from the numerous past blogs in that fashion.  I think that it’s interesting to see what trends and relationships different games share.  However, it’s only a matter of time before these lists devolve into trite ideas like “The Top 5 Headshots in Video Games” or “The Top 5 Witty Remarks in Video Games”.

So I think I’ll take a break from my beloved yet frivolous Top 5’s, and talk a bit more directly on a more serious subject that affects people all over the world, gamers and non-gamers alike: Game Rage.

Urban Dictionary defines Game Rage as “when a person or persons playing a videogame (usually multiplayer) gets so fed up of losing that they suffer an episode of intense rage that usually lasts up to 5 minutes.” They go on to say that the rager may “simultaneously sob, scream unintelligibly at the top of their lungs, and throw random punches at anything solid, such as the floor or the person sitting next to them” and perhaps most importantly, that “despite the person’s efforts, their gameplay is inevitably not improved by this course of action.”

What Urban Dictionary doesn’t tell you is that Fallacious Anger and Ineptitude-based Limitation disorder or F.A.I.L. is a very real and dangerous affliction.

A classic example of FAIL.

Thousands, maybe even millions of gamers across the world suffer from FAIL.  Many gamers suffer from FAIL for years and don’t realize it until they begin experiencing secondary symptoms, such as broken knuckles and lacerations from punching TV’s, loss of dignity, or incontinence.  Although FAIL is not a communicable disease, it can result in annoyance in people experiencing prolonged exposure to someone with FAIL.  This means that someone who spends a lot of time around people afflicted with FAIL should ensure they minimize the effects of annoyance – earplugs/phones to avoid auditory effects, and magazines to avoid eye contact with the unfortunate victim.

Symptoms of FAIL vary widely, depending on the variety and severity of FAIL the individual suffers from.  Relatively common symptoms include shouting (typically statements of disbelief such as “Oh my God!” or “Come on guys!”), respiratory problems (often results in excessive panting, growling or sighing), and minor loss in motor control (dropping the controller, waving hands around, facial twitches).  These can become more serious over time, leading to such outbursts as uncontrolled and unintelligible  profanity and/or racial slurs, hyperventilation, and the spontaneous hurling of various peripherals such as controllers and headsets.  These more serious symptoms are common to the more developed strain – Eclectic Pronounced Intellectually Challenged F.A.I.L. – colloquially known as E.P.I.C.F.A.I.L.

Angrybot suggests the cure to FAIL is to eat bleach and die. Angrybot cannot be trusted.

The true tragedy of FAIL is that while the victim may believe that their symptoms are actually assisting their performance in gameplay, the truth is that every symptom cumulatively hampers their ability to play, increasing their rate of FAIL.  It is a vicious cycle, perpetuating itself until the person collapses under the weight of their FAIL like a dying star.  These meltdowns often mimic a stroke or heart attack, and almost always result in death (of the gamer’s character).

Although FAIL has no known cure at the moment, it is treatable to an extent.  With the proper support,  a person can live a relatively normal life while coping with FAIL.  Video games that feature glitches such as invisible walls and targeting or camera problems should be avoided, as they tend to aggravate symptoms and have the added effect of justifying a person’s FAIL to an extent.  Similarly, multiplayer games should be avoided since they either aggravate FAIL or result in a misconception of gameplay enhancement in the case of letting the person with FAIL win (a truly hurtful idea, since it only perpetuates FAIL in the long term).  When playing a video game with someone with FAIL, it is best to encourage them to relax, and advise that if the game is in fact flawed it can’t be helped at the moment.  Suggesting other media is also encouraged, with the exception of movies or television shows with twist endings, since the realization that their theory on the outcome of the story was incorrect can aggravate FAIL.

This is either because of SCTV or FAIL.

FAIL is not always a life-long condition. Many youths suffering from FAIL sometimes suddenly stop experiencing symptoms, often on or around the age of majority.  The reason for this is currently unknown, though it has been speculated that the condition may disappear as the patient grows up and stops acting like a child.  Unfortunately for some, this never happens.  At all.

If you or someone you know is currently suffering from FAIL, we here at andPOP are happy to assist you to get the help you need.  In the interest of FAIL research, any and all donations are welcome.  Please leave a comment below indicating your preferred method of payment, and a representative of the World Institute to promote Normality (W.I.N.) will contact you.

*disclaimer – The above article is a satire of meaningless PSA’s for disorders that are invented to explain moronic behaviour. If you feel that the above PSA is insensitive or mean, you may be experiencing FAIL.

Cheers!

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Helllloooooo!

Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen.  This week we’re going to take a look at a group of malevolent, disgusting, and just downright horrible creatures who have terrorized mankind for years.  What’s that? No, not lawyers.  Not even politicians.  This week we are ranking the Top 5 Straight-up Meanest Aliens in Video Games. Almost as long as sci-fi and space opera have been around, there has been the alien creatures to terrorize or befriend the valiant heroes and heroines.  Well, forget about your friendly little green men, suckers, because we’re not talking about Starman or ET tonight, we’re talking War of the Worlds and Jabba the Hutt.  Let’s do this.

‘Ere we go!

5.  The Chimera – Resistance

Resistance 3?

Scary. As. Hell.  Playing Resistance for the first time, everything seems to be as per usual for a WWII shooter, until you turn the corner and see the monstrous Chimera hybrids taking aim at you with their alien weaponry.  At many different points through the game and it’s sequel Resistance 2, you encounter different and even scarier variants of these creatures, like the aquatic Chimera (just when you though it was safe to go back in the water… although let’s face it, it was never safe to begin with).  Especially in Resistance 2, these creatures just get nastier and nastier through the course of the game.  And the most disturbing part of it is that they used to be human.  Captured by the Chimera and genetically altered into the hideous hybrids, the fact is you’re putting down former Earthlings.  And as the series has progressed, the Chimera have evolved.  From the hybrids in Resistance, who needed cooling devices to keep their superheated bodies from pulling an Xbox 360 overheat, to the later evolutions who just burst out of pods throughout the game and come tearing after you, the Chimera use their advanced weaponry and cannibalistic tactics to not only subjugate the human race, but to steamroll them into the fold.  Nasty.

4.  The Geth – Mass Effect

The best part about being Geth? Free satellite radio.

Ever wondered what would happen if the Borg had sex with the Zerg?  The answer is the Geth.  I think that Bioware didn’t want to come off as anti-Semitic by calling them the Zorgberg.  They don’t just kill you – they impale you on large spikes that turn you into cyber-zombies that fight for them.  Zombies! Implacable synthetic foes created as slaves for other, less terrifying aliens (the Quarians), the Geth don’t feel emotion.  They don’t get scared when Commander Shepard blows away 4 of them in as many seconds, they keep coming.  In that respect they are certainly unique – I’m reasonably sure everyone fears Commander Shepard, because he’s a dick.  The biggest dick in the galaxy.  With a Spectre badge, a galaxy’s worth of resources, irrefutable authority, and unlimited spite.  Facing down that with nary a whimper definitely qualifies the Geth their spot on our list.

3.  Necromorphs – Dead Space

No, man! It's not a hug! IT'S A TRAP!

When I played Dead Space, I’m reasonably sure I lost 10 pounds.  5 from sweating in terror every time a Necromorph sprang out of nowhere to attack me, and another 5 from crapping myself the first time it happened.  These things are scary.  Mutated humans with multiple extra limbs, an appetite for human flesh, and faces that make Emperor Palpatine look like Edward from Twilight, these nasties definitely don’t want to be friends.  Like some of our other entries on this list, these nasties used to be human.  But the influence of a man-made virus that reacts with dead tissue results in these brutally ugly, vicious, parasitic and altogether unpleasant zombie-alien hybrids.  And you’re stuck on a barely-functioning spaceship with them.  Not my idea of a great day.

2.  Wrex – Mass Effect

The only reason he isn't kicking ass right now is out of spite.

Urdnot Wrex is a Krogan Battlemaster, which is kind of like a Ping-Pong Grand Master but with less ping-pong and more stomping face.  He’s over 300 years old, and at least 3 centuries of that time has been spent ruining aliens and humans all over the galaxy.  Wrex is a true mercenary, which means he doesn’t take orders from anyone for less than a week’s worth of beer money.   As a matter of fact, the only being in the galaxy that he is intimidated enough by to do what he wants without pay is none other than Commander Shepard, a.k.a The Biggest Dick in the Galaxy (see the Geth entry for further details on Shepard and his badassery).   And you can’t really fault him for that – Shepard is the Chuck Norris of Mass Effect, but without Chuck’s moral code or aversion to punching babies and women in the face.  Another intimidating feature of Wrex that makes him stand out from the very first time you meet him (in a strip club, scaring the crap out of the bouncers) is his deep, baritone voice.  He sounds like Solid Snake in slow motion – underwater. Finally, let’s face it – you have to respect a dude who shoots first, shoots second, kicks ass third, then maybe asks a question later.

1.  Xenomorphs – Aliens vs. Predator

Xenomorph hives actually have great dental plans.

As they’ve constantly been referred to in their media, the “perfect organism” is exactly that – from a certain point of view.  If your idea of the perfect organism involves a parasitic, death-dealing bio-mechanical super-insect from outer space, then sure, they’re perfect.  But for the rest of us, the Xenomorphs (or simply Aliens) are possibly one of the most frightening and disturbing creatures ever to crawl from a human being’s torso (the other being Christopher Walken).  Speaking of crawling out of your torso, the Alien won’t just kill you – they drag you into the darkness, cocoon you and shove an egg down your throat to spawn a brand-new beastie.  One would argue it’s less painful and terrifying to just get killed than suffer through that experience.  And if any of those eggs are sitting around, it doesn’t matter how many of the Aliens you kill – there will always be more.  Designed by a Swiss surrealist with more psychological issues than a crazy-coated nutbar, the Alien is simultaneously brutal, sleek and sexual.  So once again, kind of like Christopher Walken (who incidentally, almost made this list).

Honourable Mention: The Orks – Warhammer 40,000: Space Marine

What's more awesome than an Ork smoking a cigar? Doesn't matter, you're dead.

“Orkses is never beaten in battle.  If we wins, we wins, if we die we die so it don’t count as beat, an’ if we runs for it we don’t die ‘neither, so we can always come back for anuvver go, see?”
That quote alone should guarantee the Orks a spot on this list.  But let’s face it – the Orks earned their spot on this list through brute force, uncompromising devotion to war, and attitude.  A lot of the entries on this list are faceless, inhuman creatures that can’t be easily related to much less understood.  But the Orks speak English (kind of), use weapons similar to ours and even approximate some human mannerisms and cultural cliches!  An Ork is not a slender, Elfy pansy nor a sleek, pseudo-sexy Xenomorph.  He’s a 7 ft. green soccer hooligan with a chainsword and a pistol with a barrel as wide as your fist.  Also, he’s interchangeably roaring like an animal and calling you a “little ‘umie git”. That is pretty much the definition of “feared” and “avoided” and “Chelsea Headhunter”.  It’s also the reason the Imperial Guard have a 94% casualty rate.

If you guys think I missed anyone that should have belonged in the Top 5, or think that maybe one of these other nasties should have been #1, or not on the list at all, let me know below.  Maybe we can do a Round 2!

Cheers!

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Hey, doesn't that cloud look like... a person being impaled?

A Movie You Can Control: Cinema’s Effect on Video Games

Ever been watching a movie and wished you could tell the actors that what they’re doing is stupid?  That you have a much better plan that would totally work, and if they would only do that instead, maybe the zombies wouldn’t eat them, or the comrade that was clearly going to inevitably betray them wouldn’t get the chance?  Well I have.  But with the advent of video games in recent years that seemingly make a conscious effort to mimic the pacing and immersive experience of a film, it’s almost like we have the ability to watch a movie that we’re also able to play through and control. For a classic narcissist such as myself, this is clearly the greatest thing to happen to video games since the B-button.

Obviously, cinema precedes video gaming.  However, they are both rooted in the quintessential artistic question, “what if?”  What if humans on a deep-space transport mission encounter a hostile alien life form that kills everyone but a woman who suspiciously resembles Sigourney Weaver?  What if a plumber was somehow transported to a fantasy kingdom in order to save a princess who’s prone to being kidnapped?  What if aliens had invaded Earth during World War II?  Of course I have to stop sometime, but those are all killer ideas that would make great movies/games.  Someone should probably write those down.  You never know what could sell.

Whenever you rent a Star Destroyer, make sure you go for the full insurance coverage.

One thing that video games can offer that a movie can’t is an almost unlimited amount of time in which to tell the story.  Audiences generally won’t sit through an 8, 12, or 32-hour movie, but put a controller in someone’s hands and let them interact with the story they’re experiencing, and you’d be surprised at how long their attention span will last.  Of course, this is not to say that a game necessarily has non-stop action and interaction, but combining great action and cinematic sequences (cutscenes) often results in a very in-depth and engaging game.

When you watch a movie, there’s only as much story as the film can relate in it’s time limit.  What’s that?  I’m repeating myself?  Not hardly, ladies and gentlemen.  What I’m getting at is the director, the writer, and the actors are delivering information to a theatregoer, whereas in a video game, the gamer discovers additional information on their own.  In Resistance and Resistance 2, we could pick up Intel documents, revealing even more of the rich story the actors and narrative help develop.  So the gamer basically gets as much out of a game as he puts in, which puts video games at an advantage over the medium of cinema in how much of a story, or an interesting experience that they can deliver.

Something interesting that I’ve been noticing in games recently is that the shooting of cutscenes, or even gameplay, is developing and evolving similar to cinema.  Think about Metal Gear Solid (here we go).  To say nothing of the cutscenes, the gameplay itself was a revelation in how camera angles can set tension.  Another great example of this is Resident Evil.    Both of these games relied on not being able to see around the next corner until it’s too late, or tactically peeking around said corner.  In addition to this, both of these franchises rely heavily on the element of surprise, much like a thriller or a suspense movie.  Oftentimes it’s what you can’t see that defines tension in a game, or a movie.  Try that theory with Sonic the Hedgehog. Even more recent games have featured the handycam style of filming, adding to the realism of the game experience.  Going from the older style of side-scrolling to the 3rd person or 1st person views, and coming to the free-floating camera that can often be controlled by the player themselves, we have an experience that immerses the viewer/gamer in a way we haven’t seen before.

Ah, the peaceful serenity of Tai Chi.

Eventually, I really wouldn’t be surprised if video games overpowered the medium of cinema in popular culture.  The sheer depth and breadth of a game can often be way more emotional and powerful than a film.  On second thought, never mind that.  People are just too lazy for that to ever happen.  Send them to the cineplex, fill up their popcorn and extra large Big Gulp, and I’ll be trying to stop the Nazi zombiepocalypse.

Hey, Nazi Zombiepocalypse.  That’d make a good movie.

Cheers.

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This is what's known as a bad day.

Batman vs. Punisher: Arkham Asylum vs. No Mercy Impressions

I don’t want to get anyone’s hopes up by giving the impression this is a review of Batman: Arkham Asylum.  It’s not.  But I’ve been doing some research into the game, and wanted to rant a bit about the character of Batman as compared to other heroes, specifically the Punisher.  A friend of mine recently compared Batman to the Punisher as being very similar, and I couldn’t disagree more.  Why?  Let’s take a look.

Batman, as we know, began life as Bruce Wayne.  The privileged child of Thomas and Martha Wayne, billionaire from birth.  He never really got the chance to enjoy his good fortune, however.  His parents were killed in a random mugging right in front of his eyes.  I remember Batman at some point saying “I haven’t been a kid since I was 8 years old”.  He never gets over the loss of parents, but not in a whiny-personal “I-miss-Uncle-Ben” kind of way.  More of a fix-the-corruption-and-criminal-environment-that-allowed-this-to-happen way.

What has two thumbs and needs a Redbull? I'm too tired to point at myself but, this guy.

So Bruce disappears off the face of the earth when he’s old enough to actually do it, gains focus on his goal of crime-fighting, and trains his mind and body to do what must be done.  Years later, he reappears in Gotham City as the Dark Knight.  In Arkham Asylum, you will be able take advantage of Batman’s training as a detective and martial arts master with the abilities of a kind of Assassin’s Creed “Eagle-Vision” (but far more in-depth), great combos and other techniques to fight groups of enemies en masse or divide and conquer.

Frank Castle, on the other hand, had a family until they were killed during a picnic in Central Park after witnessing a gangland execution.  After that traumatic event, he dedicated his life to destroying criminals and murderers.  Not fighting crime, but destroying criminals.  He put to use his experience as a war veteran – special operations, infiltration, obviously his mastery of firearms and close combat in his relentless personal crusade.

The Punisher’s skills set (guns, knives and fists) is well expressed in his video games.  In fact, the latest title is a download from the PlayStation Network called Punisher: No Mercy.  A nominally better title could have been Nothing New.  A generic, first-person-shooter that brings nothing to the table except maybe a half hour or so of story play (that’s not a joke), and however many hours of online play you can stomach.  Fire your weapon at thugs until the clip is empty. Reload and repeat.  So like the Punisher himself, who is kind of a one-dimensional character, we have a game that reflects this.  Although to be fair, I wasn’t expecting a racing game – you don’t get Speed Racer. You get the Punisher.

I think that’s a very important note that a lot of games are overlooked for.  The subject content to begin with can more often than not determine how complex, how deep and interesting the rabbit hole can go, or how dry, banal and downright boring a game can be, regardless of how good the mechanics are, if the subject matter is paper-thin.

Batman just won a bet over whether he could kick the Punisher's ass.

As for why Batman and the Punisher are dissimilar, the point is very simple.  The Punisher doesn’t fight crime.  Yeah, I said it.  Punisher kills criminals, takes their money and uses it to finance killing more criminals.  Oh yeah, and that “funding” goes towards black market weapons.  So not only does he do what many criminals already do (rob and kill other criminals) but he’s the black market’s best customer. How can he possibly ever finish his crusade if he perpetuates the system himself?  Of course, that doesn’t matter to the Punisher.  It’s not like he’s worried about crime.  He just wants to kill bad guys.

If Batman and the Punisher existed in the same universe, Batman would track down and capture the Punisher without a second thought.  Why?  Batman fights crime.  Not criminals, but crime – organized and systematic.  He takes down mob bosses, putting them through the legal system so that the entire organization can go down with them.  The Punisher uses a chainsaw to weed his garden, but all he does his create mulch for new weeds to grow.  Batman pulls them out by the roots.

Finn, the exploding furnace clearly says "Caution!" Now you're just being careless.

Don’t worry, this all has a bearing on the games.  When you slide a Batman game into your console, you’re not just expecting a punch ‘em up, one-dimensional game.  Hell, even Batman for the Sega Genesis had more depth than Punisher: No Mercy.  But would you ever expect to see a Punisher game as innovative and intense as Batman: Arkham Asylum?  Maybe.  But I doubt it.  The subject matter of the game almost always determines the quality of the game, providing the execution doesn’t suck anyway. If you make a game about ducks, expect it to quack.

So that was my excuse to rant a bit on the Batman/Punisher comparison.  If anyone thinks I’m completely out of my mind or if you think I missed something that you’d like to mention, then let me know below!  Also, I’d like to know who likes Batman more than Punisher and vice versa.

Better than any Punisher game.

Also, some of you might think I’m bat-biased.  Well, of course that’s true.  Batman rules – who could argue to the contrary?

Cheers!

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This week’s topic: Top five video game clichés

Hey readers,

For this week’s rant, I thought I would take a page out of the Brett blog and do a top five list. Not to steal his thunder, but a topic like this has been nagging in my head for a good long while now. This week, I’m going to take a look at the top five clichés that annoy me but often pop up in video games. Perhaps because it works well in that specific title, perhaps because the story writers or coders or someone along the supply chain was lazy, perhaps we will never know but until that point, at least you, the viewers will know how I feel about them.

He does it for his country. He does it for freedom.

5) Fighting for a noble cause

Whether you are fighting through the video game story to save the one you love, the princess, or the entire world nearly every video game out there has you doing something extraordinary for someone else. Call me a little selfish, but I think I would overly enjoy a video game where people kill thousands of monsters / aliens / other people for no other reason than for personal wealth and power. Mario’s saving the princess, Sonic’s saving the forest critters, Master Chief / Marcus Fenix / Commander Shepard are fighting for the human race; hell even Nikko Belic starts fighting to save his cousin. I want to see Snake put an end to all threats on America… then start taking assignments from anyone in the world with enough cash to cover his expenses.

4) Regenerating health

He'll be ok, he just needs to sit down for a minute.

I’ve been playing a lot of Gears of War 2 since the All Fronts Collection DLC came out and one thing that always bugged me is that if you get shot to hell then sit around for a couple of seconds, you’re good to go as if you had never been hit. Not only that but the computer bad guys in these games don’t usually have these same luxuries. I feel like if I got shot at point blank with a shot gun then sat on the couch during the length of a commercial I would still most likely still be pretty upset about the wound… and bleeding… a lot. Somewhat related to this point is how food can give you your health back. Sure, you may be hungry, but that melon won’t seal up the cuts and replace the lost blood. I figure if you’re hurt, chances are you were hit. Deal with it, go visit a hospital lose a week or two in the game and move on.

This lazy bugger's supposed to save the planet?

3) Less than heroic heroes

In my book there are only a few average every day heroes. Firemen, Policemen, anyone really that puts their lives on the line on a daily basis for the greater good. Why haven’t they made an action game that depicts this? Hell, I’d even take an action game where a fireman just by chance gets warped into another dimension and has to use his skills to save an alien planet! What really annoys me is the cliché where you start off as just a kid, or even worse, a dork that gets picked on; who ends up in the wrong place at the wrong time and gets thrown into a world saving position. Not only that but he grows into the role of this amazing hero throughout the game and by the end he’s fighting an amazingly strong monster that the professional warriors could not vanquish, he’s gained massive amounts of gold and magic, and gets the disgustingly hot princess. Then after the war is won with the world saved and everyone oblivious to their near doom, you go home and not mention a single word to anyone and have the high school bullies pick on you again as well as your mother not appreciating you. Jeeze man, tell your mother! Maybe then she’ll be proud enough to talk about you to her friends at the salon… that and you won’t have to hide your gorgeous princess in the closet anymore. On a side note, I would imagine that if some kid all of a sudden got thrown into an adventure that he would surely be killed by the first threat he encountered.

2) Final boss battles

I’m not a huge history buff or anything like that; but from the classes I’ve taken and movies I’ve seen on war it seems to me that more often than not, those leading wars and battles often are strategizers rather than fighters. Brains controlling the brawn. So why is it that in (almost) every video game, the final boss is a super strong mutant, or a giant monster, or Bowser? There are really only two video games I can think of where the boss is actually a person smart enough to organize, strategize, and pull of an invasion / war / plague. The first game that popped into my mind was Sonic the Hedgehog. Dr. Eggman is well… a genius. First off he’s a doctor, he had to go through years of evil education to get that title so I suppose he earned it and learnt a lot on the way. Secondly, all of Sonic’s biggest battles seem to be with the bad doctor’s robots and machines (the evil robot Sonic from Sonic CD and the giant Eggman robot come to mind here). After being beaten by Sonic time after time you would think Eggman would have figured out a way to either slow sonic down or speed himself up; ever think of sticky floors Eggman?

That little goldfish is the boss... not the super strong cat-monster.

The second title made me giggle as I thought about it because I thoroughly enjoyed the idea behind it. I’m talking about Earthworm Jim. Falling into the ‘less than heroic heroes’ cliché, Earthworm Jim was just that, a worm who was lucky enough to have a super powered space suit fall on his head. In Jim’s game, he faces a boss (in all 3 of his console games actually) beyond comprehension. The sheer atrocities this monster has unleashed on the world time and time again has put Jim to the test as this beast had to be stopped at all costs. The boss I speak of is none other than Bob the Killer Goldfish. In Earthworm Jim (the original game), you go through one of the hardest levels in the game only to walk up to Bob, a simple goldfish sitting in a small bowl on a table. He was smart enough to create all these defensive machines and traps… but in the end, he’s just a fish and can’t really put up a good fight. Jim just knocks over his bowl.

If you ask me, the best final bosses should be really simple while the minions directly below them be the super strong, super tough monsters that drive us wild. If anything, the final boss should even be a very graphic enticing cut scene at the end of the game. Now imagine if game creators could make a final boss that was strong AND smart… impossible.

This should be the only reason to drown in a video game.

1) Water

You’re going on a quest where you will face dangers beyond imagination, death around every corner, and in general mean bad stuff. How will you prepare? Work the muscles? Do some weapons training? No matter how much you prepare for your quest ahead you will meet with water at some point and apparently, it will kill you upon contact. This I think is the most frustrating cliché in video games. Sure in Mario games he can swim, he’s a plumber, in fact Mario can swim for days not needing to breath as he traverse the great depths of the sea (with great music in the background). Even Sonic was able to swim (but had to steal air bubbles to survive). What really hurts my brain is when super soldiers, bad ass fighters, even freakin Frogger die the moment they come in contact with natures abundant H2O. Even if you can’t swim why not bring a flotation device and keep it in your inventory. Falling into a puddle should not make me have to backtrack for a half hour and try again with one less life.

Honourable mention: Barrels and boxes

Why are some boxes perfect for cover while others are meant to be broken and hold weaponry in the middle of the street or fully cooked pork roasts? How does our hero know which boxes to dive behind in a gun fight and which to smash to find a secret item? Just once I’d like to see these two mix together and have you hide behind a crate only to have it fall apart when shot at.

And while we’re on the topic, why are all red barrels and boxes explosive? Why are there so many explosive barrels in video games? Have you yourself ever seen a highly flammable barrel in real life that was red? I feel like if I ever saw one I would hide behind a nearby crate (hopefully not one holding a lead pipe) and throw rocks at the barrel until it blew up.

Well, there you have it, my first list-organized rant on andPOP. I hope you enjoyed it and if you have any other clichés you think should have made the list feel free to post a comment below. Heck, if you thought my rant was lame, let me know too! I’m always open to constructive criticism. Except if you tell me that these clichés are or are not in specific games, these are good fun filled generalizations here for your entertainment.

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Bullets and Blades – The Top 5 Weapons in Modern Gaming

What would Link be without his sword?  Samus Aran without her patented arm-mounted gun that doesn’t resemble Mega Man’s at all?  Other cliches without their weapons?  With the possible exception of Street Fighter and/or Mortal Kombat, many games have legendary heroes and villains that wield weapons and armor of a similarly epic nature.  This week, we’ll be looking over another Top 5 List, this time focusing on the greatest gear in gaming, and who wields it.

I’d like to mention right off the bat that the Mega Man Blaster or the Master Sword won’t be making an appearance in this list.  When I say weapons in modern gaming, I’m talking new games from the Playstation 2/Xbox era forward.  As much as I would like to mention epic weapons from times past (cough – Masamune! – cough) let’s stick to the more current list.  With that in mind, let’s take a look at our list!

You don't view Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris views you.

Honourable Mention:  Chuck Norris

I can’t even start this list without mentioning the Norris… seriously, I can’t because I fear his reprisal.  In case you were wondering, the reason that no weapon is listed is because Chuck Norris is a weapon. It has been said that there is no chin behind that epic beard, only another fist.  He does not sleep – he waits.  If you have 5 dollars and Chuck Norris has 5 dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.  I could continue forever but I fear the Norris would grow impatient, so let’s move on to our next entry in our top 5.  You laugh now, but I’m not the one who’s going to get a roundhouse kick to the face.

I had a gun like that once. I was asleep though, and when I woke up the sheets were wet.

5.  The Chainsaw Bayonet – Gears of War

It doesn't make julienne fries, but it will destroy your face.

Ahh, the eternal conundrum – should I break out the assault rifle, or the chainsaw?  I know I hate that decision, but we’re in luck – with the chainsaw bayonet attachment to the Lancer assault rifle.  As a last-ditch  weapon, the chainsaw can be effective – but more often than not, in GoW it’s generally a seldom-used weapon.  It’s ineffectiveness takes nothing away from it’s sheer awesomeness, though.  My only real problem with it is that it’s been done. Over 20 years ago by a little company names Games Workshop in their Warhammer 40,000 tabletop game.  You’ll get a much better idea of the badassery that is the chainsword in Warhammer 40,000: Space Marine which will hopefully be released soon on the Xbox 360 and PS3.  Until then, GoW has the monopoly on face-shredding chainblades.  Enjoy it while you can, Gears of War.

The only Chinese knockoff worth owning.

4.  The Gauss Rifle – Fallout 3 Operation: Anchorage DLC

Maybe it’s just because I’m a huge nerd, but gauss weapons turn me on.  If you’re familiar with the theory behind them (and I mean, who isn’t, right?) then maybe you get why.  Anyway, the Gauss Rifle is arguably the best gun in Fallout 3, along with the Tesla Cannon.  With phenomenal range, damage and a scope to match, this weapon would terrify Raiders and Ghouls alike if the AI was smart enough to recognize the gun before it blows their faces off.  Eh… it’s more fun this way anyhow.

3. The Handheld Ore Cutter Line Gun: Dead Space

I was going to make an Amy Winehouse comment, but then I didn't care.

The Line Gun.  After creeping through the shadows of the Ishimura, jumping at every noise or movement, I think the game starts to turn around after finding this weapon.  Well of course, it’s not really a weapon anyway – it’s a tool.  Used to cut boulders down to size, it can be used equally efficiently to cut the Necromorphs infesting the ship down to bite-size pieces (bite-sized, get it?  ‘Cause they’re trying to eat you – nevermind).  Although to be fair, even though I felt way more confident with the Line Gun in my arsenal, it did not help me when I got cocky and mauled to death by mutant zombie cannibal space monsters.  So the drawback to the Line Gun is really that it only works well when the person using it isn’t a ponce.

I cut this down in GIMP. Nothing else in this picture mattered.

2.  The Blades of Chaos: God of War

I believe I mentioned Kratos in another article as being one of the most badass “heroes” of all time, but what makes him badass?  The fact that he’s a Spartan? His defiance of an entire pantheon of gods? His frequent threesomes with Greek wenches?   The answer is yes.  More accurately, the answer is no – the Blades of Chaos gifted to Kratos brought him from the merely badass to the epic shin-kicking, face-stomping killer of puppies we know and love.  Two swords that look like Tim Burton’s kitchen knives on chains.  What’s that?  A harpy flying over you, causing trouble?  No problem.  Just whip a sword at it, swing it around just for the collateral damage, and snap it back to your hand all with the press of a button.  Easy as taking candy from a baby.  Kratos does that, too.

1.  The Knife: Every Game That Ever Had It.

You don't even have time to say "Balls."

I know, it sounds weird.  Topping this list with the weapon that most games start you off with or only include as a crappy backup weapon?  But consider a couple of games that use the knife as possibly the deadliest weapon in the game, and that’s for three reasons: dominance, stealth, and infinite ammo.

The Metal Gear series is a perfect example of where knives go very right or very wrong (yes, I know I’m a MGS addict – bear with me).  In MGS and MGS2, there wasn’t really a knife, as it was all punches and kicks in close combat (and the combat system was super awkward anyway).  MGS3 and 4, however, introduced the knife in a system they called CQC (Close Quarters Combat) which allowed you to completely dominate the enemy to the point where they couldn’t even fight back.  Turok for the PS3 showcased the knife even in the demo – as a weapon that could allow you to massacre an enemy without them ever fighting back.

As for stealth, what weapon is more silent and deadly at the same time than a knife in well-trained hands?  In both Metal Gear Solid and Turok, the knife is introduced to give the ability to disable or kill an enemy without compromising silence or stealth.  Especially in MGS, where the knife can be held to the throat and used to force the enemy into a more secluded space where they can then be owned beyond recognition.

Finally, infinite ammo – need I say more?  You don’t need to reload a knife, and even if you happen to throw it at the enemy, you can usually pull it out of them when you’re done.  Bullets don’t get a re-throw.

If you have any contributions to the list of greatest weapons in modern games, send it below!  See you next week.

Cheers.

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He can remix a song before the original band has finished recording it.

High Score:  Music in Video Games

Dah-dah-dah doo dah-da – duh.  If you totally called that as the beginning of the Mario theme, then you’re one step ahead of this article.  If you didn’t, prepare to be schooled baby.

Music has always been a part of video games, with a few minor exceptions (Pong, anyone?).  From the classic themes of the Mario franchise to the epic scores of Halo and Metal Gear Solid, music has provided a strong influence on the tone and theme of the game in question.  By the way, Guitar Hero doesn’t count.

I remember listening to the Hill Top Zone theme from Sonic the Hedgehog 2 when I played it as a young whippersnapper.  I also remember it from my iPod last week.  Why? Because it was a great piece of music, 16-bit or no.  More recently, the insanely good score from Metal Gear Solid 2, with a full orchestra and composed by Harry Gregson-Williams (The Replacement Killers, Enemy of the State, Phone Booth, and even the Shrek franchise – but we won’t hold that against him) totally kicked my ass via my eardrums.  Two very different styles of composition and undertaken very differently, but they had the same result – Sonic and MGS are two of my favourite series of games.  Coincidence?  I think not.

Just so you know, he's composing something badass right now.

On the other hand, games that simply don’t put too much effort into their musical score tend to bother me.  I’m not saying it’s easy – a composer that is writing the score for a movie knows exactly how much time he has, whereas a video game score composer  must take into account that every gamer takes it at his own pace.  But that frequently becomes an annoyance in games like Dynasty Warriors 6: Empires (or the whole series, for that matter), which a friend of mine has been playing recently.  I don’t care for the games to begin with, but I don’t mind sitting around on the computer while he plays.  But eventually (sooner than later) I have to ask him to turn it down and I drown it out with some iTunes, because the terrible 30-minute looping electric guitar solo that is the soundtrack for that game makes me want to punch a baby, as Dane Cook so eloquently put it.

And I generally like babies.

Since orchestral scores have become more commonplace and appreciated in modern video games, it has gotten to the point where you can buy the soundtrack.  A friend of mine made me listen to the Halo score before I ever played the game, and it was so epic that I played it almost exclusively for that reason (the books were also awesome, contributed by the same friend.  The guy loves the Master Chief.  I’m reasonably sure he wants to have his babies). You would never have been able to buy the soundtrack for Out of This World, and probably never will.  Why?  Because it sucked.  Also, that was the hardest game I have ever played, and so I deny anything good about it.

I took a break just now to download the Halo soundtrack so I could listen to it while I write this.

Little-known fact: MJOLNIR armour includes a built-in iPod.

Video game music has been such an inspiration and source of creativity for artists across the world for so long and had such a universal impact that many orchestras have played famous tunes from their favourite games (or at least, their conductor’s favourite games).  Don’t believe me?  YouTube it, baby.  As a matter of fact, PLAY! A Video Game Symphony is a symphony world tour featuring music exclusively from the video game world.  From MGS to the Final Fantasy series to Silent Hill, this show showcases some of the best gaming music out there.  Now if only they’d tour their way back to Toronto, I could try and get tickets and not get them because they’re sold out again and cry myself to sleep listening to video game soundtracks at home and drinking copious amounts of beer.  Maybe that was too personal.

Other ways artists have celebrated the video game score is by remixing it or doing a cover.  There are so many Mario theme covers it’s not even funny.  My personal favourite is Vadrum.  Write that down.  Plenty of indie bands, at least on the Canadian scene, have done covers of their own, varying from famous 16-bit themes to more modern stuff.

All that music and it only costs 40 gold coins. Or 100 rupees.

Basically, although a score won’t save a video game from bad gameplay or a terrible story, it can make the difference between a good gaming experience and the truly epic, memorable games that stay with us for years and years.  And by stay with us, I mean stay on our playlists.  So let me know what scores and songs are your favourites from the games you’ve played, and any cool covers or remixes that have been done for them.

Personally, it doesn’t get any better for me than when System of a Down sings Link!

Cheers.

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Spider-Man has an equal opportunity costume in Web of Shadows.

Ok, so for the past week or so I’ve been on a Spider-Man: Web of Shadows binge.  Nothing but web-slinging through New York, symbiotes and ass-kickery.  It has been awesome – definitely the best “comic-book superhero” game I’ve played in some time, if not ever (I wasn’t going to include comic-book just now, but then I remembered inFAMOUS and Prototype).  So that got me thinking how many bad superhero games I’ve played. That got me thinking about how much worse those games could have been if they were about even crappier superheroes – I mean, even Spider-Man 3 had Spider-Man in it, right? So, with that in mind, I’d like to present:

5 Superheroes That Should Never Be in Video Games

*disclaimer – if a game has already been made that should contain one of these characters, then there’s no need to mention it – the damage has been done.

5.  Ant-Man

The one cool thing Ant-Man ever did.

So, you can control ants.  Oh, and shrink yourself?  That’s… interesting.  I guess those are kind of neat side-powers to your main power of… oh, that’s it.  So let’s build a game around a guy who can do all these amazing things.  We could have a mission where you ruin a picnic, or have to avoid a kid with a magnifying glass and too much time on his hands.  Or maybe just slap together a bad racing game where you either run next to ants, or ride an ant against other ants.  I don’t even know if he can control red and black ants or just black ants.  You know what, Ant-Man?  Just go away.

4.  Green Lantern

It's too bad the Green Lantern couldn't use that ring to give himself a set of balls.

Ever had the feeling in a video game that you should be able to do something that you couldn’t?  Like not being able to climb something as Spidey or break something as Superman?  Well that’s what it would feel like to play a Green Lantern game.  Anything that comes my way, I’d have an idea for a “green energy _______” to stop it.  Conversely, you or anyone else could come across the same situation and have a completely different way of solving it with your “green energy _______”.  It is possible to have too much freedom in a game, but to ever play as Green Lantern you would totally need it.

Also, I hate Green Lantern.  Oh, I have a magic ring!  Choke on it.

3.  Daredevil

Ah, the bright red creature of the night.

Ah, Daredevil – not even mentioning the terrible movie starring Ben Affleck, I’ve never really cared much for the Man Without Fear.  Besides the fact that it’s kind of an oxymoron to have a lawyer as a hero of any sort, Daredevil in a game would come across as kind of a Spidey clone without the cool.  Swinging and jumping around New York fighting crime isn’t cliched at all, right? Anyway, Daredevil is kind of like a discount Dark Knight – he’s basically a blind, poor Batman with a law degree.

2.  Captain Marvel

Way to take every 10-year old's fantasy and use it to be the biggest pansy of all time.

Gradeschool by day, crimefighting by night.  That’s a lawsuit waiting to happen.  Captain Marvel is perhaps the cheesiest superhero of all time, with his powers derived from mythological figures (literally) and the word that gives him his power: Shazam!  So we basically have Superman, but his alter-ego is a 10 year old boy.  What kind of game would that be – half of it is a Superman clone, and the other is finishing your multiplication tables and going through puberty?  No thanks.  Also, any game that could or would feature a “Shazam!” button should never happen.

All five elements: earth, fire, wind, water, and cheese.

1.  Captain Planet

I’m actually trying not to laugh thinking about how terrible Captain Planet is.  Can you imagine a video game starring this flamboyantly gay, green mullet-sporting disaster of a superhero?  Would he  even bother to stop a robbery if the robbers used a hybrid getaway car?  Forget battles of epic proportions, races against time, as Captain Planet, you’ll be fighting… pollution?  Toxic waste?  Nothing?  Captain Planet saves the day, by recycling that soda can that a much cooler superhero dropped in the park on his way to deal out some actual justice.  You’d be playing a game where you have to recycle and plant trees.  No.  Probably the only good action in the game would be fighting Captain Pollution, and even then it would probably just be them waiving doilies at each other at a tea party.  On a side note, that South American kid with the Heart ring had no value to the Planeteers at all.  Terrible.

Honourable Mention:  Aquaman

Lastly, one that almost made the list is the fishy failure that is Aquaman.  I’d really, really like to go into further detail about the character, but I’d have to Wikipedia that, and nobody cares anyway.  If I wanted to play a boring aquatic game, I’d play Ecco the Dolphin again.  Although to be fair, a dolphin has more personality than Aquaman.

Although a failure as a superhero, Aquaman could have a very lucrative sushi enterprise.

Alright everyone, after this massive video game crapshoot I need to go take a shower.  If you have any other ideas for comic-book superheroes that shouldn’t ever have their own games, let me know below!  Perhaps I’ll do another installment if there’s enough craptacular characters I didn’t mention here.

Cheers!

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