(andPOP) - I'm waiting for the day when athletes are as paparazzi-worthy as the half-assed celebs gracing the cover of
Star at my neighbourhood fresh Dominion. Double the drama, double the fun, I says.
Indeed, the line between sports star and celebrity is already blurred. Just a couple weeks ago my celeb senses were a-tingle when news broke that Quasimodo-hot New England Patriot Tom Brady forgot to wrap his wang and in the process
knocked up actress Bridget Moynahan (the bitch in Coyote Ugly). But oh, does it get better. Brady then dumped his woman of three years, preggers for three months, to skip off to Paris with supermodel Gisele Bundchen. Of course it's been speculated that Bridget ensured she's get pregnant when she figured out her and Brady's relationship was headed the way of the Patriots' Super Bowl run. Meh, might as well have stayed with her, Brady. Would have saved your image, if not your MVP status.
And now, the sexiest athlete walking our planet, the only man who can make a greasy half-pony hot, David Beckham, is preparing for havoc when he descends in America this summer to play soccer for the L.A. Galaxy. Just look
at the press his knee injury is creating. It's not like it even matters what he does for Real Madrid at this point. Plus, my favourite Spice, Posh, a.k.a. Victoria Beckham has gone blonde and will apparently star in a
reality show about her move to Hollywood with her Beckham brood. All together now - cross the fingers in hopes of night-vision cameras in the bedroom.
Back in the news of the pregnant - Tori Spelling, who looks like she should be popping out whatever evil is growing in her soon, celebrated the opening of her and her sperm donor's
inn, "Chateau La Rue." Yes, Tori Spelling has a bed and breakfast. You aren't the only one asking WTF. The Oxygen Network (who?) is producing a series about the inn called Tori and Dean: Inn Love. Again. WTF? The Beckham's with a reality show, yes. Tori Spelling? Not so much. A reality show about Tori Spelling running a freakin' bed and breakfast? No.
Oh, and
this is an example of the lap of luxury Tori's kid can expect to live in when it pops out.
You can tell it's almost spring because all sorts of celebs seem to be procreating. Someone better be watching Kevin Federline very closely. Buffy herself, Sarah Michelle Gellar, either has awful posture or finally let sexy, yet dorky Freddie Prinze Jr.
impregnate her. Remember Freddie in
She's All That? Apparently their relationship is all that. Then again, I thought their teen-flick clique members Ryan Phillippe and Reese Witherspoon were also forever and look how that
turned out.
Buffy's TV sister, Michelle Trachtenberg, has apparently scored herself one of the hottest, most lust-worthy pieces of ass in Hollywood. I don't know how you did it, it really boggles the mind, but high-fives, Michelle Trachtenberg. The 21-year-old actress landed
Sex and the City's Smith, real name - Jason Lewis, 35. The two were
spotted at the celebrity version of make-out point: Chateau Marmont in L.A. So insanely random. So insanely jealous.
Jennifer Aniston and the hotter-than-Pitt Vince Vaughan knows what's what. If you can't make a relationship work, at least be friends. And, if that's going along well, why not upgrade to
friends with benefits?
So, kiddies, I hope if you've learned anything from this week's Celebrity Noose, this is it: cover your stump before you hump. Don't be a Brady. Don't knock up a Tori. Guaranteed Jennifer is letting Vince tap it because he's smart enough to cover his monkey. Be a Vaughan. Be. A. Vaughan.
