Fashion Column: Dress to Impress

(andPOP) - Remember those totally gross Crescendo ads a few months back? The one where all the people got sunburns just around their eyes from watching their pizzas rise in the oven? I always thought those ads were completely disgusting. They were constantly on television or on billboards all over town?all I could do was try not to look directly at it. Something so gross shouldn't be dignified with a response, I thought.

But what happened in the midst of all this Crescendo frenzy does deserve a very outraged response. I was riding the subway on my way to an obscenely early class on an obscenely cold morning when I noticed a boy about my age. He had his back turned to me but I could see the back of his blazer, black Dickies, red Converse, and green messenger bag. His look was so perfectly emo it was kind of cute, I thought. What was that it said on his messenger bag? I leaned in close to get a better look. Did it say?Crescendo Pizza?!?

I stared at the back of his blazer in shock at the exact moment he turned around, revealing perfectly tousled hair and a sunburnt strip around his eyes, just like in the Crescendo ads I so despised. No, not 'like' a Crescendo ad, I realized in horror?.he WAS a Crescendo ad! I felt like the girl in a horror movie when she finds out her boyfriend has been the murderer all along. Aren't human beings supposed to be sacred, "the body is a temple" and all that jazz? Was his body a temple of four cheeses and pepperoni?

Even worse, this offensive teen got off at Davisville station and was immediately replaced with an attractive thirtysomething businessman, his face also sunburnt and a big Crescendo sticker on his fancy briefcase. The company is trying to appeal to all commuters, I realized, by making them blend in with the average Joe/Jane on their way to school/work.

What was happening to the world? How could this be acceptable? I know these people were probably just struggling actors who needed to pay rent, but didn't they feel?used? A billboard is one thing, but your face is quite another.

That same day I saw two more walking Crescendo ads, this time in the form of two mom-types pretending to shop at the Eaton Center (I say pretending because their shopping bags were different colours and sizes, but they all had Crescendo painted on the front in different fonts). Last month two model-beautiful people walked into my workplace wearing Red Bull brand jeans and polos; on their backs they carried huge plastic Red Bull cans as though they were backpacks. They looked like normal people, they shopping like normal people, and they bought normal Urban Outfitters purchases, but they weren't people at all ? they were a Red Bull commercial.

Ever since those walking ads came onto my subway and into my nightmares, it has made me strangely paranoid. A few Sundays ago I was working in the men's department and a guy walked by me wearing a plain blue tee shirt that just said 'Hollister' on the front. My brain immediately began working overtime ? was he really just wearing a Hollister shirt, or did he secretly work for the company and was sent to walk around Toronto to promote the upcoming opening of the Eaton Center store?

I realized I was beginning to sound like the mime that lives on my street corner, who screams paranoid political conspiracy theories while trying to escape from a glass box and climb a rope. He probably just bought that shirt from Hollister, no strings attached.

But if human beings are becoming the next step for advertisers, is this really such a new trend? I remember back in grade six when all the cool girls wore white Calvin Klein baby tees that just said 'Calvin Klein' across the front. In high school everyone knew who had a pair of Seven jeans or bought Stila makeup for prom ? actually, I had both. I had typed and filed in my mom's office and saved all my Hanukkah money to buy $200 jeans. For prom, I didn't buy shoes or a purse and spent the extra money on makeup from Holt Renfew. So what? It turned out, so plenty. Girls asked me if the rumours were true, had my blush really cost $50? Last year a friend admitted to me before she got to know me, she hated me because I was the "girl with the Sevens". It felt like we were all brand obsessed; maybe the advertising companies weren't so off base. They simply reversed the order. Instead of us paying a company to proudly display we were wearing their brand, the company would pay us to wear our oven pizza and caffeinated beverage choices literally on our sleeves.

And so I say no. Our bodies should be a temple and I refuse to be defined by what denim covers my ass, what blush paints my cheek, or what kind of crap food I eat from the supermarket. I wear what makes me feel good and what flatters my body. I am not a billboard up for sale, and you shouldn't be either. Think about that before you wear anything just because it's a certain brand.