Fashion Column: Stylists Gone Stupid

(andPOP) - I have worked at some very high profile, in demand, super trendy retail stores and have thus learned this: one, the customer is usually an idiot, but they are still right. Two, the worst customer is the dreaded stylist.

The stylist comes on behalf of some loser local television personality or a ridiculous commercial or a television show that will inevitably be cancelled. She (I?ve never met a He-Stylist, although there are legends) is frantic, in a rush, and hasn?t seen a hairbrush since 1993. Sometimes she phones ahead demanding to speak to a manager, but most of the time she?s pinching your arm until you bring her to the desired authority figure. Other times she?s just ?one of the gals? and wants your opinion: is what she?s chosen ?n sync with today?s 12 year olds? Most of the time it?s atrocious and yes, every 12 year old has two. The worst are on behalf of the high profile (?I need clothes for Katrina Huber.? ?Who?? ?The Muchmoremusic VJ.? Who?). They will hand you a basket, give you the name, age, gender and appropriate price range for the person in question, and then step outside for an expensive French cigarette leaving you feeling cheap and used.

Since I am not an authority figure or a doormat, I thankfully see these creatures very rarely. However, it has occurred to me lately that maybe I should start being nicer to them. You know, point out something cute or give them a genuine smile. Because it might be lack of sales assistance, or it may just be stupidity, but the people on television are dressing like idiots. They look like the fashion equivalent of a Good Charlotte song ? whiny, unrestrained, overdone and underthought. The hair is pointing everywhere, their accessories could strangle them, and their jeans are tacky as hell.

The worst culprits are by far the children?s shows. Sorry, the ?tween? shows. Watching the now defunct but still popular Lizzie Maguire I am appalled at the clothing. Not just the ugliness, but the sheer volume ? there are red frilly tank tops underneath beige ruffled blouses, fringed jeans that say princess on one pocket and angel on the other with a purple star on the butt. The hair has enough product in it to take out what remains of the ozone layer and is covered by a red bandana that could get you shot in some parts of L.A. This is most definitely not how twelve year olds dress. Sure, both fictional and real life girls wear ugly clothing, but nowhere near this scale. My sociology professor, god bless his greasy soul, told us that the loop between television and children is a constant, never-ending cycle. The children watch television to see what they should be wearing and the stylists watch children to see what they should put on television which the children are watch ing?and so on. Because of Lizzie Maguire, little girls want the tackiest clothes Wal-Mart has to offer, but it?s because of the little girls that Lizzie Maguire dresses the way she does. Or did I just blow your mind?

But not all shows are as bad as they appear. Some complain that watching The O.C. is like watching an edition of Vogue or Cosmo, and that real teens don?t dress that way, blah blah bitterbitches blah. In true, Vogue and Cosmo would never show those clothes (Vogue is too high fashion and Cosmo is too low, god bless their sexy souls). And it?s true that real teens wouldn?t dress that way, but you know what? Real teens don?t shoot people during a lover?s spat or dress up as Wonder Women or get adopted by heart of gold lawyers. If you want real teens, take a subway. As a self-proclaimed fashion expert, I like the style on The O.C. It?s cute, up to date and always matches the characters to a tee. The evil mom wears tacky Juicy, Marc Jacob flats on the cute little rich girl, irritatingly funny tee shirts on the comic book nerd?it?s so effortlessly perfect it hurts. Maybe the average teen doesn?t know what Balenciaga bag or a Miu Miu skirt looks like, but I do, and I?m pretty sure the spoiled brats in Southern L.A. do. The O.C. gets an F for fabulously fashionable?err?frocks.

Finally, the worst insult to my stylish soul is the good television show gone bad. Case in point: Six Feet Under, one of my all-time favorite shows. The best writing, acting, directing, and pretty decent clothing. However, there was one grievous error that I will never forget. I don?t remember the season or the episode ? all I remember is the image of Brenda wearing Uggs. It was repulsive. A character so smart and so anti-establishment wearing a status symbol for the likes of Pamela Anderson? How far the mighty fall. I know the actress who plays Brenda is Australian, so perhaps it was just a shout out to her mates down under. Even so, the mistake was duly noted and never forgotten.

I suppose the lesson I?ve learned is not to look to television for fashion tips; otherwise my head might explode in anger. Instead, I should take it at face value and remember the good (Sex and the City, Friends, even Gilmore Girls occasionally) and ignore the bad (cell phone commercials, anything on the Family Channel). There?s a whole great world of fashion out there. Even if that is hard to remember when your baby sister is watching a rerun of Degrassi: The Next Generation and says, ?Hey Haley, don?t you sell that ugly ass shirt at Urban Outfitters??

This is not good for my rage.