Media Column: A Harry Potter Blog

(andPOP) - Spoiler Alert: This is a satire on the Harry Potter blogs that have been popping up in newspapers. And yes it?s true that Dumbledore dies. Read on!

July 15- 6 pm

I?m at the Chapters at Richmond and John streets waiting in line for the midnight opening when they let us have the first Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince books! Yippee! Well, actually, by ?line? I mean just myself and since it is six pm, the store is still actually open for normal business but I thought that I should get a head start to beat the crowd. Good thinking!

July 15- 9 pm

I?m still first in line! Had to make a quick coffee run to Starbucks but to make sure no one stole my spot, I gave a homeless guy (there are so many of them!) a dollar to stand in line for me. And people say that Torontonians are cold and callous.

July 15- 10:15 pm

Have to pee. Really badly. Oh God. I can?t keep it in. The gelato frappo gazoonko mariachi has gone right to my bladder.

July 15- 10:16 pm

Went in the corner where the Famous Players theatre is. Wow I feel great.

July 15- 10:30 pm

I got bored so I started asking random people if they wanted to act out scenes from the Harry Potter books. I got no takers but I did get an Indigo water bottle thrown at me and the actual manager of Chapters came out and told me to calm down or else he would unleash Heather Reisman at me. That stopped me dead in my tracks.

July 15- 11 pm

Only an hour to go! I brought out the other five Potter books that I had in my knapsack and started reading aloud. I think my voice is perfect for a Harry Potter audiotape. Seriously, I sound like a mix between Barbara Budd, Mark Dailey and Patrick Stewart (I love Captain Picard)?sexy and magical. I am sure that my powerful voice and stage presence attracted the flock of people who came rushing the store all at once. Sure they told me to shut up and flung the books out of my hand but I know it?s because they are a spirited bunch who are just excited to get the book!

July 15- 11:30 pm
The tension is mounting. The air is thick with anticipation. God I love using clich?s.

July 15- 11:40 pm

Some of my fellow reporter colleagues were passing by on the way to the bar. Sure it?s a Friday night and I am in a robe covered in stars and moons but that is no reason to make fun of me. This is real journalism. The action is here and I am in the middle of it. This is history in the making folks and I get to report on it. So I won?t be picking up any guys tonight?and I won?t be drinking myself silly?.and I won?t be singing that Cheers song?.Hell, what am I doing here??!

July 15- 11:55 pm

Well I am still here and not at the bar where I could be drunk and kissing random men. What am I saying, this is the biggest event of my life! Well, the sixth biggest. Well seventh if you count the time when I lost my virginity. That was pretty big.

July 15- 11:59:59 pm

Here comes a wizard flanked by five security guards. The time has come at last! I have been waiting for this moment for two years now, open up the gates to Heaven!

July 16- 2 am

I finally made it out of that portal to Hell. I feel like I?ve been through a really long game of Doom 3. Except instead of trying to chainsaw my way through zombie marines, cyberdemons and guardians, I had to pummel my way through a swarm of screeching adults and children clutching books as if at any moment Lord Voldemort (gasp!) himself would come and blast them away.
I need a big drink.

July 16- 3 am

Made it home after walking the streets searching for a taxi. Even a little leg didn?t help. Found an old bottle of Kahlua in the closet. That went quickly. Not drunk enough to start reading the damn book.

July 16- 4:12 am

Called a buddy of mine and asked if he could lend me a 12-pack. He agreed and came over and helped me down it all. Then we made out for a bit.

July 16- 4 pm

My head hurts. There is a strange man sleeping on my couch and an oversized book with a wizard and a boy with an ugly scar on his forehead on the cover acting as a coaster.
What the hell happened last night?