Confession: After reading a number of positive reviews for the film adaptation of The Fault In Our Stars (not to mention editing the one for this very site) on Thursday, I lost all my willpower to wait for Friday night and immediately bought tickets for the special The Night Before The Stars screening for later that night. As such, I walked into work this morning emotionally compromised, a feeling that was heightened by lack of sleep. But it wasn’t the screening that lasted until 11:30 p.m. (I’m old) that ruined my REM cycle time. I was just too distraught to properly turn off my brain.
So yes: John Green’s words, Shailene Woodley and Ansel Elgort’s acting, Josh Boone’s direction, and Michael H. Weber and Scott Neustadter’s script completely ruined me in ninety minutes.
Now I feel like I could start crying at the sight of every sad thing I see. Here are five things I will most cry about in the next 24 hours at the simple mention of them:
5. When your ice cream scoop falls to the ground
I love ice cream. I love ice cream so much that I would take it to Las Vegas and get married to it (thanks, Augustus Waters, for the less raunchy version of a 30 Rock joke). In fact, if it wasn’t for the ice cream fridge at work (SERIOUSLY, IT IS MAGICAL), I would probably spend a good chunk of my pay check on fancy ice cream and toppings. As of right now, there are a few things (asides from the items that will follow) that will make me sadder than seeing a good scoop of ice cream fall to the ground.
It’s so hot outside! And that ice cream was expensive! What about all fresh fruit I paid three dollars for? Woe!
4. Sad commercials featuring abused puppies and kittens
Nothing makes me want to adopt and love all the puppies and kittens in the world than a sad commercial asking me to. Yes, a slideshow of photos of sand and abused puppies and kittens set to an even sadder Sarah McLachlan will always open the floodgates. It’s the reason why I try to stock two or more boxes of tissues next to television set.
3. When Allie and Noah die together
We spend a whole movie watching star-crossed lovers being pulled further and further apart only to learn that they do indeed get together and then they DIE TOGETHER. HOW BEAUTIFUL IS THAT? IT SO BEAUTIFUL THAT IT MAKES YOU WANT TO FALL IN LOVE. BUT THEN YOU’RE LIKE, NAH, BECAUSE YOU DON’T LIKE PEOPLE. PEOPLE ARE THE WORST, LIKE JAMES MARSDEN IN THE NOTEBOOK.
2. This Thai commercial
The touching story of a father’s unconditional love for his daughter is enough to melt the coldest of hearts. Yes. this commercial is three minutes long. Yes, it’s in a different language. And yes, it still makes me want to steal yet another box of tissue from the supplies cupboard because no one will want to mop up the ocean of tears forming around my desk.
AND FOR WHAT? LIFE INSURANCE?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? WILL I EVEN NEED LIFE INSURANCE AFTER I VOW TO LIVE OUT THE REST OF MY LIFE UNDER MY COVERS BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO FEEL ANYTHING EVER AGAIN AFTER THAT.
1. The opening scenes of Up
Without fail, I cry every time within the first fifteen or so minutes of watching Up, and no, we’re not talking about shedding one single, perfect tear that slowly falls down my cheek. I’m talking about experiencing a full blown ugly cry where I have to blow my nose in a very loud, disturbing manner.
Pixar somehow managed to rip out my heart as their perfect love story ends in loneliness. On one hand, Carl and Ellie were able to experience, to borrow yet another line from TFIOS, their “infinity” well into their old age. I just couldn’t get over how sad they were after they learned that they couldn’t have kids, and how they transplanted those hopes into the hope they could finally travel to the one place they dreamt about as kids. AND THEY NEVER GOT TO GO TO SOUTH AMERICA BECAUSE ELLIE, THE ADVENTUROUS LIGHT IN CARL’S STRAIGHT-LACED LIFE, DIES. POOR CARL.