If you want to have an outstanding Valentine’s but don’t have a significant other to join your cuddle puddle, don’t worry – I’ve curated a V-day playlist with six seductive songs for your (probably unsuccessful) quest to get a lover!
1. OMG there is a cute boy/girl sitting across from me on the bus!
This is it. This is your moment. You’ve only been looking at this person for about 18.32 seconds but you can already tell. You’re listening to American Authors’ “Best Day Of My Life” – maybe this song will be playing when you two have your first kiss. Maybe this will be your wedding song. Maybe it will be the song you hear in your car on the way home from the hospital with your identical newborn triplets.
But then reality sets in and you choke. It’s okay – you’re probably only a few stops away from home. You have your nice warm bed and ANDPOP videos waiting for you.
2. When you get home, you will probably need a little passion to get you out of the pits.
Because you’re so lonely, you deserve to crawl underneath your oversized duvet and pretend that making blanket forts and daydreaming is just as cool as having a boyfriend/girlfriend. FYI – it’s not.
Okay, it comes close — but only if you steal and toss back a few of your little sister’s Kool Aid Jammers while creeping your crush on Instagram.
3. Half way through the list – are you in a relationship yet? Didn’t think so. But it’s okay because we have Katy Perry.
There is only one thing that will love you unconditionally in the world: pizza. Did you know that they make heart-shaped pizzas around Valentine’s Day in some places? That’s perfect. But what if I live in a place where my local pizza man doesn’t make heart-shaped pizzas? Have you ever heard of scissors? Snip up that sweet carby love hug and you’ve got your Valentine’s dinner plans ready to go.
Additional tip: If the pizza delivery person is cute, invite them in for a Katy Perry dance party.
4. I’m not stupid. I know most of you skipped out on heart-shaped pizza time and are still under that duvet.
Everyone needs a little time to just be Miley. This one is for the heavy tears; the ones that cling on to your eyelids for a few seconds before they can’t hold on anymore. They fall. This one’s for all the imaginary people you’ve probably like-liked and had to let go. The celebrity crushes who have passed away. The super-broad but butterfly-inducing guy/girl type you got after taking that quiz in the magazine. That cute person on the bus. Let them go while rolling around on your bed in a puddle of tears and know that there’s something better out there for you.
5. Let’s put you back in a good place. Enter Queen B.
Even if you haven’t had a sip of alcohol in your life (I remember you like Kool Aid Jammers), you will be completely wasted after Beyonce’s “Drunk In Love.” Tipsy to the point that the fact that you have never been in love won’t seem like such a crushing pain anymore. It will be like you just did a Neknomination where you chugged twenty kegs and then shotgunned eight and a half bottles of vodka. B is that good. And this song is just the right thing to pump yourself up every time you realize you don’t have a bae to catch you slippin.
6. And if you’re still sad, it’s okay; The Moffatts wrote a song about your life.