You won’t learn anything about sports, but at least you’ll have fun!
If you’re anything like us, you probably know almost nothing about sports. For us, some of our athletic knowledge stems from learning how not to get beaned in the head during gym class; most of it comes watching copious amounts of sports movies as kids. With that being said, we probably know nothing as those movies were most likely full of lies.
While we might be totally clueless when it comes to sports, we do enjoy huge cultural events that we probably can’t escape from, like, say, the Olympics. The Olympics, whether summer or winter, is always the time of year where we’re woefully reminded of how out-of-shape we are and how dumb we are when it comes to sports.
So how can we possibly survive two and a half week’s worth of sports without looking like total losers? By watching more movies to make us feel like we know something because it’s all about thinking we know what we’re cheering for, right?
Here are the four sports movies we’ll be watching over the next two weeks to build that false sense of knowledge:
D2: The Mighty Ducks
We know, we know, the original movie is always better but in the second instalment of the Mighty Ducks trilogy, the ragtag team (mostly) from Minnesota compete in the international Goodwill Games. (In the movie, the Goodwill Games is the kid version of the Olympics.)
Is the movie super fun to watch? Yes. Does the knuckle puck exist? No, probably not (remember we know nothing about sports). Is Iceland really green like the Icelandic trainer said it was? According to Game of Thrones, no. But will chanting “Quack! Quack! Quack!” at the Mighty Ducks as they play their rivals ensure their victory? In every single movie.
Blades Of Glory
Starring Will Ferrell and Jon Heder as a pair of rival figure skaters turned partners (on the ice), Blades of Glory is probably best remembered for being sampled in Kanye West and Jay Z’s song, “Paris” (“We’re going to skate to one song and one song only.” “I don’t even know what that means.” “No one knows what it means, but it’s provocative.” “No, it’s not.” “It gets the people going!”).
But it’s so much better than that.
While it doesn’t showcase any of the elegance in real figure skating, it does feature the world’s dumbest and most dangerous move, Amy Poehler, lots of sequins, and Boy Meets World’s Mr. Feeny. That’s enough to make us excited to tune in.
Cool Runnings takes a lot of liberties when retelling the story of Jamaica’s first bobsled team. They did get one detail right: the bobsled team had a lot of trouble raising the money they needed to go to the Olympics, a problem the country’s current team had to face again last month. Thanks to some enthusiastic crowd sourcing, Jamaica will have yet another bobsled team representing their small country at the Olympics in Sochi this year.
Make sure you watch Cool Runnings to help infect yourself with some Jamaican Fever before the team competes or else be called a “bandwagon fan.”
Starring Michelle Trachtenberg as the nerdy teen who uses her physics knowledges to learn how to do jumps, Ice Princess plays into our weird fantasies of being discovered as a “natural talent.”
It’s also a great shot of estrogen as Trachtenberg’s Casey gets a cute, Zamboni-driving boyfriend, befriends the local rink’s It Girl (played by Hayden Panettiere), wears lots of cute outfits, gets Sex and the City’s Samantha (Kim Cattrall) as her coach and counts on Joan Cusack to be her over-protective mother.
Now we can pretend that all that one skater had to do was tuck in her elbows a bit more and she would’ve landed her triple salchow. Perfect.