Ah, the Golden Globes. It’s the one red carpet event of the year that’s more like a party then an actual award show thanks to the free-flowing booze.
Just like last time, this year’s festivities were less stuffy famous people in fancy clothes and more “the Tina and Amy show,” which, for the record, is fine by us.
Hosts Amy Poehler and Tina Fey successfully waltzed past the sequel trap of rehashed jokes with new jabs and gags (more on that later). They were more perfect than perfect and we can only wish they decide to run for the White House after they wrap up their Golden Globes responsibilities next year. They obviously would spread peace through life and rule America as co-presidents. But I digress. Back to the show.
Tina and Amy also surprisingly had some comedic competition from their liquor-fuelled, celebrity audience (or is it unsurprisingly?), most notably from actress Emma Thompson who appeared barefooted most of the night.
Basically, it was the closest thing we’ll ever get to the world’s funniest and drunkest beauty pageant as the celebrities were dressed to the nines and sloshed their drinks to and fro. Don’t forget to say your thank the Powers That Be (in this case, P. Diddy/Puffy Daddy) for the open bar and let’s hope they never run dry.
Without further ado, here are the highs and lows of the 71st Golden Globes.
Low: a pipe bursting on the red carpet
A pipe burst on the red carpet before the show began. Apparently, the pipe belongs to the Beverly Hilton Hotel’s sprinkler system, not its sewers as Ryan Seacrest wrongly noted.
High: Jennifer Lawrence photo-bombing Taylor Swift
Taylor Swift was obviously successful in befriending yet another girl-of-the-moment, this time Jennifer Lawrence, as yet another best friend thanks to TSwift’s appearance at last year’s Golden Globes. To think, this photobomb is what she has to show for her efforts.
Low: the world’s worst seating plan
For some odd reason, it appeared as if someone accidentally flipped the seating plan upside down as most of the nominees were seated insanely far away from the stage. The botched attempt at a seating plan forced the night’s winners to weave their way around tables, resulting in the world’s longest catwalk. If it wasn’t for her emotional speech (interrupted by the playoff music no less), we would’ve thought best supporting actress winner (series, miniseries or TV movie) Jacqueline Bisset was out of breathe when she got to the mic because she had to walk so goddamn far.
High: Jared Leto’s man bun
Jared Leto may have won best supporting actor in a motion picture (drama) but his ombré man-bun deserves some recognition. There are girls around the world who can’t help but be jealous of his perfect mane (this writer included)
High: Emma Thompson’s award presenting abilities
Whether she was really drunk or was faking it, we can’t help but appreciate Emma Thompson for showing up on stage with a giant martini glass in one hand and her red-soled Louboutins shoes in the other. And when she threw her shoes away so she had a free hand to read the winners, my god…Isn’t she lovely?
Low: Jennifer Lawrence’s dress
Celebrities should know by now that playing it safe wardrobe-wise doesn’t always mean a guaranteed spot on the best-dressed list. In fact, it was quite the opposite for Jennifer Lawrence’s Dior gown (she is, after all, Miss Dior) as the internet compared it to Princess Ariel’s make-shift gown from The Little Mermaid. It’s a good thing bad clothes doesn’t detract one from being a flawless human being. (BTW, yes, that is Colton Haynes doing his best JLaw impression.)
High: Leonardo DiCaprio finally wins an award
Leonardo DiCaprio is no longer award season’s maid of honor as he picked up his second Golden Globe for his lead role in Wolf of Wall Street. But will he finally get his Oscar this year? We doubt it because there were much stronger performances in the best actor in a motion picture (drama) category. We would happily eat our words if it came to it though.
Low: P Diddy
Apparently, all we have to do is give him the emcee job at our next ANDPOP function to get an open bar.
High: Matthew McConaughey
It was classic McConaughey as he picked up best actor in a motion picture (drama).
High: Tina Fey and Amy Poehler
There were so many burns, so little time. Including some sly shade at Taylor Swift later on in the night (Tina to Amy: “I just want to say congratulations again to my friend Amy Poehler, I love you and there’s a special place in hell for you.”)
Low: Paula Patton’s dress
It was ridiculous in two very different ways. Ridiculous in the good sense because I’m all about high fashion but also in the bad way because her shoulder thing looked like it was going to take up the whole stage.
High: Seth Meyers looking more excited than Andy Samberg
And Andy Samberg was the one who won best actor in a TV series for Brooklyn Nine-Nine. SNL bros for lyfe.
Low: Diane Keaton singing
I know it was supposed to be a touching tribute to Diane Keaton’s good friend writer-director Woody Allen, but it sounded like the set up to a horror movie. Also, where was Woody anyways? if you’re being honoured for a a lifetime of achievement, why wouldn’t go and drink up with the rest your peeps?
High: Amy Poehler wins best actress in TV series
She obviously didn’t think she would win considering she decided to perch herself on top of U2’s Bono during the announcement. She should’ve headed straight for George Clooney again for the celebratory make-out sesh. Then there was her speech which was just so adorable and grateful. We are a little saddened by the fact that this might mean she’ll finally get her Emmy, because Jon Hamm might have to host the Losers Lounge party alone. He’s too beautiful to be left alone.
High: Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Fey and Poehler weren’t the only comedians killing the monologue. Dreyfus joined in on the high jinks with some clever cut-aways which featured her sucking on a e-cigarette like a boss and eating a hot dog. Tina, Amy and Julia are my comedy trifecta, a.k.a. the best friend group of my dreams (suck it, Taylor swift). On the off chance any of your are reading this (or your assistant. Or your assistant’s brother), I would happily babysit in exchange for friendship.
Low: 12 Years a Slave almost getting snubbed
To be honest, I haven’t seen the movie only because I fear it out of respect (like the ocean). I did however see Shame and that was pretty graphic considering the content (Michael Fassbender’s peeeeeeenis) (I’m a child. Sue me), so it’s not difficult to think how far director Steve McQueen would push the boundaries. Also, it’s the most Oscar-baity movie out there and deservedly so — all the performances (more notably Fassbender, Chiwetel Ejiofor and Lupita Nyong’o) have been critically praised so it was disappointing to see them fail to get any acting accolades.