As the great Ann Perkins once said, “I know jogging keeps you healthy, but god, at what cost?”
I think we can all agree that exercise is the worst, but unfortunately it’s something that must be done if you, like me, insist on eating double quarter pounder combos (with extra Mac Sauce, and a sundae to dip your fries in) at McDonald’s. Taking a cue from the great Mindy Kaling‘s book Is Everyone Hanging Out With Me (And Other Concerns), one great way to motivate yourself to work out is to come up with elaborate fantasies, more specifically, revenge fantasies. Because if you can’t muster up the courage to save your imaginary husband from the equally imaginary terrorists, what’s the point of exercise? It’s also a bonus if you can come up with a badass plot line while listening to some equally badass music.
Lucky for you, I did all the work for you by pairing up great tunes with some equally badass scenarios to help you burn off the pack of raw cookie dough you ate at 3 AM.
1) Ni**as in Paris – Kanye West and Jay-Z
Best for: The start of your workout because it makes you feel like the best person in the world.
Fantasy: It’s been a long gruelling season on the bench and you have finally been called up to play for your favourite sports team in the Champions League final. You have been ridiculed by the press and Piers Morgan all season and finally it’s time to get your revenge. After only during the last 20 seconds of the game you score a screamer from 30 yards out and your team become champions of Europe. If you have time, don’t forget to include the presentation of awards.
Length of fantasy: 4:12
calories burned: 40
2) Joker and the Theif – Wolfmother
Best for: Walking home or running thanks to the one of the best guitar parts of all time.
Fantasy: You have been learning guitar for months now in secret in order to challenge your guitar playing rival to a duel. You arrive at the duel and play the opening riff of this song while simultaneously melting the faces off everyone in attendance. You go, Glen Coco.
Length of fantasy: 0:56
Calories burned: 10
3) Countdown – (Her Royal Highness) Beyonce
Best for: A really long fantasy. This is just part one.
Fantasy: You just got into a terrible fight with your boyfriend Louis CK (it’s a fantasy, stop judging me and my eclectic taste in men) and he just decided that he wants to go on a break. This is unacceptable to you as you know you two are soul mates. This song begins when you decided that in order to get him back you will do a complete makeover. This makeover, like all good makeovers, will take place completely in a montage as you and your best friend Mindy Kaling (whose idea I am ripping off in this piece – sorry Min) sort through your clothes, fix up your hair, and choose the perfect lipstick colour.
Length of fantasy: 5:00
calories burned: 65
4) Crown on the Ground – Sleigh Bells
Best for: Part two of my “seeing your terrible ex” revenge fantasy. (The song has been stuck in my head ever since I saw the trailer for The Bling Ring a few months ago. Sorrynotsorry)
Fantasy: You and Mindy roll up to your favourite club knowing that Louis will be eating pizza at the Italian restaurant next door and will be able to see you from the front window. The song begins as your leg exits the vehicle and you proceed to walk past Louis as unseen wind machines make you look even more stunning. He forgets his pizza (!) and runs into your arms.
Length of fantasy: 1:00
calories burned: 12
5) I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor – Arctic Monkeys
Best for: Imagining you’re a rockstar. Sometimes while I run I pretend that I have actually originally written and performed the songs I am listening to.
Fantasy: You are spending a semester at Cambridge and someone hears you singing on campus and asks you to be in his band. However, the other band members do not like you and you are reduced to the roll of manager/fangirl. On the night of the ~*big show*~ the lead singer (who dislikes you the most) comes down with an infection forcing you to fill his shoes. You perform the song perfectly and he, grudgingly, must give you his respect.
Length of Fantasy: 2:00
calories burned: 40
6) Work – Iggy Azalea
Best for: Dancing like no one cares. I decided to add this song since it is constantly forcing me to resist the urge to twerk in the street. This is actually a great exercise fantasy since it involves a bit of running itself.
Fantasy: You are walking down the street when a masked stranger bumps into you and takes off, carrying your purse which, along with being a Birkin, contains the screenplay for your new BBC comedy series. Luckily you always wear sneakers and take off after the thief in hot pursuit. So begins an extreme chase all around the city where you use your intelligence and athleticism to outwit and outrun the thief. Eventually you catch him, right before he is about to shred your screenplay. You tase him (I’ve liked the idea of carrying a Taser around since watching Veronica Mars) and take back your belongings. You saved your own day.
Length of fantasy: 3:50
calories burned: 70
7) Backstreet Freestyle – Kendrick Lamar
Moving on in the rap portion of our program…
Fantasy: You have fulfilled your (read: my) lifelong dream of becoming an award-winning rapper, but like all MCs you have an ongoing feud with another rapper/hater. He challenges you to an 8 Mile-style rap duel and you come out with this beauty of a track (because obviously your good friend Kendrick let you use it for this purpose) and shame your nemesis into never rearing his head in the 416 again.
Length of fantasy: 2:00
calories burned: 55