By Galen Simmons
The way I look at it, the very idea that you might want to bring all your friends together, give them free-license to get smashed off their face, and have it all take place in your very own fortress of solitude seems like a recipe for disaster.
I mean theoretically speaking, there are far too many wildcards in play when you decide to host a party. Someone might throw up. Everyone might throw up. The cops might fine you for a noise complaint. The cops might throw you in jail. In saying that however, I acknowledge that if nobody wanted to host a party, parties as we know them might die. And that’s too traumatic to even think about. So, to all those heroes who decide to put their home at stake for the greater good (my entertainment), I figured the least I could do is offer up a few common-sense tips which might prevent your house from becoming a smoldering pile of rubble.
1. If serving food, avoid your heavier meats and cheeses. Try to stick to starches like chips and pretzels. If you’re ever in doubt, abide by this simple rule. If it looks nasty going down, it’ll look 10 times nastier coming up.
2.Garbage bags make excellent wallpaper. Your landlord would approve.
3. A bedroom door with a lock on it allows for the temporary stashing of all things valuable. Heed my warning, for if you don’t, next time you’ll have nothing valuable to stash.
4. Clearly mark the path to the bathroom. In my experience, intoxicated bathroom trips happen all at once, with little time to prepare. A big florescent arrow is always appreciated.
5. Keep smokers to the backyard. A combination of too many people with too much alcohol inside make open flames an unwise idea. The front yard provides the drunk with too many chances to make asses of themselves in front of your neighbours.
6. Have a large room with a door where people can hide when the cops show up. A basement often works best, although a walk-out basement is ideal.
7. Drinking-games on a carpeted floor are never a good idea. Again, an unfinished basement is ideal. Your landlord would approve.
8. While intoxicated, a fridge can be a difficult way to store your booze. That whole door swinging outward thing always gets me. Fill a large cooler or bathtub full of ice, and let people store their booze there. Short of falling in the bathtub, it’s a lot harder to hurt yourself.
9. Make sure all upper-storey windows and doors are secure and will stay secure. Kind of self-explanatory.
10. Make some room for those who drove to stay the night. Extra couches, chairs, pillows, or a floor with relatively soft carpets often does the trick. In a pinch, a bathtub or a wheel barrow may also work.
11. Have a bin for people to leave their empties in. One of the only draws to holding a party, in my opinion, is making a little money off the night’s carnage.
12. Have someone on speed dial that can clear an out-of-control party with relative ease. An angry neighbour would suffice.
13. Coffee and doughnuts in the morning is often a great incentive for those who stayed over to help a little with the cleanup. If that doesn’t work, start breaking out the pictures from last night. A little blackmail can get a lot accomplished.
14. Having a carpet cleaner booked for the day after is never a bad idea.
15. At the end of it all, pledge never again to be so stupid as to invite all of your friends over at the same time. You will have learned a valuable lesson, and if you haven’t, well you really are a true hero, and I’ll be over again next Friday.
