By Jack Siebel
No matter where you go to school you’re destined to meet hundreds of people in your freshman year. Some will be lifelong friends and others will be hated enemies for the next four years. Either way, there are ten people you’re bound to meet no matter where you study.
Here’s your handbook to the herds of strange creatures you’ll encounter in your first 12 months.
1. The Stoner
The Druggie is your local stoner, crack head, roller and alcoholic. There’s many subspecies of the druggie but at least once during your freshman year you’ll meet your universities chieftain — the king pin of drug related activity. They do all the drugs you’ve heard of and a few you haven’t. For some reason, they seem to have no home and you always seem to spot them stumbling through the quad or leaning dazedly against walls all across the campus. The only constant they seems to have is their undying love for a lack of sobriety.
2. The Academic Angel
This is the guy or gal that is hammering their way to a ten year doctorate in brain surgery or intensive psychotherapy or some other doctorate that requires more years of school than it does time on the job. They’re usually pale from all the time they spend in the library and their knowledge of science and math far excels their knowledge of pop culture or sports. Respect this person, one day they’ll be your boss. That, or working at a dominoes to pay off their $200,000 debt.
3. The Buddy!
The buddy is the quintessential college man’s man. He knows everyone on campus and seems to have fewer enemies than Winnie the Pooh. You’ll never see him without a smile and a friend, and if you need something to do his coattails will take you there. He always apparates at parties right as excitement starts but leaves right before it fizzles out. You’ll never see him with homework but he always has his grades in shape. He’s basically perfect. Sure, he probably has some horrible secret in his past but until that surfaces, he’ll be one of the coolest guys you know!
4. The Dream Girl
You’ll meet accidentally — a scene straight from a romcom. Flirting and “hanging out” will follow. She’s more beautiful than anyone you’ve met and the first kiss will set off fireworks. BUT. Yes, there’s a but. Perfect can’t last. I’ve seen many a friend fall to this ploy already and it’s only first semester. This is an experience you’ll need and remember.
5. The Partier
This is the person you love but it lasts for about two weeks. Your first parties will be unforgettable experiences all thanks to this person. Dancing on tables and endless shots will be highlight reels in your head… temporarily. Week three will bring vomit — oh will there be vomit. You’ll end up helping them home EVERY weekend. Keywords: cock blocks, party fouls and drunken yelling. Parties are their breeding ground, habitat, toilet and restaurant.
6. The Barbie
The Barbie is a predator. She will stun you with your looks and float you off cloud 9 with her unending flirtation. She’s “friends” with everyone but you rarely see her straying away from her own kind. Gucci, Armani, and Victoria’s Secret, her three favorite words and the majority of her wardrobe. She’s a dangerous siren and deserves proper measures of caution but as long as you keep that in mind, can be a great friend with good intentions.
7. That Guy
I fucking hate this guy. You all know him in one form or another. He’s that one guy who, without fail, will show up EVERYWHERE. If you’re about to go the beach he’ll find you — no matter where you hide — and gladly invite himself. Then he’ll make awkward comments the entire ride there. If you’re relaxing in your room, he’ll happen to be walking by when all of your pals are coming visiting and will ruin your fun faster than you can say “Will Smith’s rap career.” I would advise you stay away from this guy — but it’s usually not your choice.
8. The Jock
Football, baseball, soccer, rugby, ice skating or Quidditch; no matter what they play, there are jocks in every sport. I’ve played sports and I’ve met the players. There are the rare sweethearts who have hearts the size of a linebacker. They are few and far between and they are not necessarily “jocks.” The jocks I’m talking about are the muscular, strong headed guys you see roaming in packs, farting and burping, make rude comments and attracting every Barbie in a five mile radius. (I don’t get it either.)
9. The Average
This is the most “by the book” freshman you’ll ever meet. They fit the stereotypes; have one drink at parties, get straight B grades and manage eight hours of sleep per night while barely making it to class. They’re friendly, have average problems, and don’t really know what they want in life. There are a lot of these in college and especially in freshman year. Be friends with them, be enemies with them, be whatever you want. Just don’t become one. Be as extraordinary as you’d like — college is the best place for that and averages often forget this in their habitat of neutrality.
10. The Wonderchild
These people are the Tony Hawks, Emma Watsons and Kanye Wests of the college community. They do what they do better than anyone else and the worst part? They know they do. Rock climbers that can free climb the tallest mountains; singers that can hit the highest notes; artists that can recreate the Mona Lisa. Their parents love them, their friends adore them, and they will probably be the leaders of our children’s pop culture society. But for now, they’re just Julia, Matt and Dylan so seriously, don’t think you’re worth a cent less than any one of them. Go find your own habitat and explore, find your own wonder and perfect it. I’m currently the world champion paper ball trash can basketball player. What’s your wonder?