By Galen Simmons
The signing of a lease between two or more prospective roommates is rather similar in many respects to the signing of a marriage licence. “I, roommate one, do hereby pledge to live with roommate two, through all tests, essays, drunken parties, and mood swings until the lease’s end do us part.”
A well-picked roommate can be a wonderful source of entertainment, compassion, sympathy and even home-defense, but a poorly chosen roommate can make your life and your home a waking nightmare. So, if at all possible, try to avoid picking an awful human being as a roommate.
But, you might ask, what if I’m already living with someone terrible? Isn’t there a way to get out of it without having to find another place to move my sh*t? Worry not, my sad, pathetic friend, the solution is so simple even a monkey could have come up with it. Make life even worse for your roommate, giving her (let’s be honest ladies, guys are way easier to live with than girls and that’s an unbiased a fact) the “encouragement” she needs to leave.
Here are a few personal suggestions you may or may not wish to try out.
1. “Accidentally” break your ant farm in the kitchen. A few extra ant traps is a good trade for better company. She’ll be all “THIS ENDS NOW!”
2. Leave appliances on over-night. When she wakes up to find the blender still running from the night before, it may be game over. Some girls can’t live without their breakfast shakes.
3. Keep live frogs in the refrigerator. Tell her they taste fresher.
4. Clean the toaster in the dishwasher.
5. On hot days, leave your underwear in the fridge to help cool them off.
6. Every night at precisely 3:27 am, bang on her door to inform her that it is precisely 3:27 am.
7. Buy a subwoofer and play only polka music.
8. Ask her if she’s seen Legs. When she asks what Legs is, tell her you just saw your pet tarantula the other day, and that he couldn’t have gone far.
9. Invite your fencing team over to practice in the living room.
10. Schedule all repairs to the house to be completed at 7:00 am on any day she has off.
11. Dissect any dead bug found in the house to determine cause of death. If foul play is suspected, launch a full murder investigation.
12. File a missing person’s report with the police every time she’s not home when she said she would be.
13. Host loud political debates until three in the morning outside her bedroom window.
14. Peel all the labels off her canned food. Then carefully glue each one to a different can.
15. Propose actual marriage… If you’ve tried any of the above, this should scare her to the point that not only will she leave, but she’ll be running.
*Disclaimer: Galen Simmons and ANDPOP cannot be held responsible for any and all adverse consequences from trying the above suggestions. If you find yourself with a restraining order filed against you, in prison, in a mental institution, in a hospital, or married, complain to someone else.