When we last heard from oldepayphone, we got the inside scoop on what it’s like to be an Instagram genius like Xavius. Maybe some Instagram-happy celebs can take a few words of wisdom from Xavius. Or us.
Today, we learned from this lovely creature how to totally screw up a first date. In Douche Date Part II (god forbid there’s a part I) we see a young woman’s descent into the depths of date hell. With every
sip chug of red wine, the woman becomes less of a douche date and more of a sad, strange specimen. We feel for you, nameless douche date.
Here are five ways we learned how to screw up a first date from this “sexy” video.
1. If you do decide to squeeze your boobs together, make sure to imitate the mating call of a pterodactyl at the same time.
2. Stroke your cutlery lovingly in an attempt to hide your self pity.
3. Forget the dude’s name, but remember to call him “friggen” sexy. Friggen.
4. Talk about your perils of trying to be a Teen Mom cast member. Cry later.
5. The punch line to your perfect date? Flatulence.
Watch it here: