By Jack Siebel
We hereby command you NEVER commit these ten party related crimes, no matter how absolutely shit-faced you are. Follow this list and you’ll save your time and your liver.
1. Don’t dance on tables.
But let’s face it, you probably will. OWN THAT SHIT.
2. Don’t be the one to break the window.
They were nice enough to host a wonderful gathering of friendly people and delicious drinks and you repay them with shattered glass and despair? No matter how you play it off, you’re still a dick.
3. Don’t creep.
A smile and a nod go a hell of a lot farther than unexpected grabs and stalker-like movements. That said, don’t be afraid! That cute girl/guy in the corner who’s dancing like they don’t care who’s watching? You know the one you’ve been coyly glancing at all night? TALK TO THEM. DANCE WITH THEM. If the beer can’t convince you, maybe I can. Its college and you’re young, take a chance and thank me later.
4. Don’t steal my drink
That goes for anyone, but god dammit if one more sloppy sorority girl grabs my drink without asking because she’s “so thirstaayy!” I will start using decoy cups and security systems. Be kind, find your own.
5. Don’t take open drinks from strange men, even if they have a cute tropical umbrella pinned in a lemon slice.
Do I really need to explain this one? You + Roofie + that guy that looks 32 and has a nervous twitch = BAD.
6. If you suck at ping pong, don’t talk yourself up.
The chances of you gaining Lebron-like skills in the five seconds it takes to throw are about one billion to one. Don’t make a partner pay for your lack of practice.
7. Don’t drink Jungle Juice and dance.
Eight beers and three shots wasn’t Michael Jackson’s training routine so stop trying to moonwalk.
8. Don’t wear your grandma’s old sweatshirt to a toga party, even if you claim it’s “hipster.”
Toga parties require togas, ABC parties require, well, ABC. Either way, don’t be the person that was “too cool” to follow the dress code. Nobody likes that person.
9. Don’t let what’s inside your body go anywhere outside the bathroom
This goes for vomiting on the floor, peeing in your pants or laying a hot one on the lawn. Nobody wants to see it and everybody will remember it. We know Justin Bieber couldn’t help it but you sure can.
10. Never fall asleep with your shoes on
As made famous by Asher Roth in “I love College,” sleeping with your shoes on at a party can lead to unending torment. Let me explain. The rule goes, if any person falls asleep with their shoes on, it is excusable for other members of aforementioned party to prank, draw on, hurt etc… said person in any way they please. So don’t wake up with half your clothes, a marker ridden face and a shaving cream beard, remove your shoes.