We’re on the cusp of a new school year and once again I find myself wishing it didn’t have to be this way. Since my wishes rarely come true, the best I can do is try and smooth the transition into post-secondary hell for those misguidedly eager first-year faces.
I might not be able to convince you to start that 12-page essay a month before it’s due, or stop you from drinking at a floor-mate’s birthday party the night before your final exam; but I can teach you how to speak that incomprehensible college language your elders have already grasped.
So, as my insanely clever title dictates, let’s start with A.
A – All-nighter: A poorly planned decision to leave one’s entire project/presentation/essay/exam-prep until the night before it’s due. e.g. I started seeing dead relatives after my fifth all-nighter in a row.
B – Beer Pong: A classic drinking game that involves getting your opponent more drunk than he/she can get you. I think plastic cups and ping pong balls might be involved too, but my memory is hazy for some reason. e.g. Once we lost all the ping pong balls for beer pong so we decided to up the ante by using tennis balls and beer pitchers instead. [Photo: ipercival]
C – Cafe: Short for cafeteria, the cafe is where students are fed cheap, semi-nutritional food, made by ex-cons and foreign refugees. e.g. Last time I ate at the cafe, I found a shiv in my mashed potatoes.
D – Due Date: For many students, a very stressful 24 hours that could have been avoided through forethought and good planning. e.g. I started researching my essay the day before the due date.
E – Easy A: A class taken to lighten one’s work load for the semester. Often deceptive, what seems like an easy A can turn into quite the time-burner. e.g. I took Introduction to Knitting on Thursdays, it should be an easy A.
F – Frat: Short for fraternity. They’ll invite you to awesome parties in vain attempts to recruit you into their all-male drinking club. e.g. I woke up the morning after the frat party to find myself naked and on the front lawn of a Korean car wash. [Photo: illegal-smiles]
G – Gamer: Every residence floor has at least one person who will become a nocturnal video game addict since they’re no longer under the limits set by mom and dad. This often results in missed classes and bad grades. e.g. Chris is a real gamer, he was up ‘til five this morning playing Call of Duty.
H – Hallcest: Also known as floorcest. When two people form the same hall or floor of a residence have either hooked up or are dating. e.g. I think I heard some hallcest last night coming from next door.
I – ID Card: Also known as campus card. The little piece of plastic proves you’re a student and gives you access to services provided on campus. God help you if you lose it. e.g. I lost my ID card three weeks ago, but I refuse to pay the replacement fee, so I’ve been living off the scraps of food my floormates bring me back from meals.
J – Jungle Juice: An unknown mixture of grape flavouring and high-proof alcohol. Best when mixed in industrial sized batches and served at keggers. e.g. I must have drank half a cooler of jungle juice last night, cuz I don’t remember how I got home. [Meme: partyrehab]
K – Keg Stand: An inadvisable way to consume alcohol. Try to remember gravity will be working against you. e.g. The keg stand is an excellent way to speed up the alcohol poisoning process. [Gif: thepartyrehab]
L – Library: No longer just a book depository, it can also be used as a dining room, a meeting place, or somewhere to catch a few Z’s. One of the only quiet spots on campus. Refer to Asians Sleeping In The Library for more info. e.g. I haven’t left the library for three days and boy do I need a shower.
M – McDicks: Slang for MacDonalds, a cheap and easy way to satisfy those late-night munchies. Good hangover food too. e.g. Let’s go to McDicks since the cafe is closed.
N – Newspaper: As in campus newspaper. Also known as that thing that no one reads. e.g. I just took a bunch of copies of the campus newsletter to line the cage for my new guinea pig.
O – Orange Jesus: Again, an unknown mixture of high proof alcohol and orange Kool-Aid. e.g. I drank so much Orange Jesus, I had a religious experience.
P – Prof: Short for professor, someone who thinks they know everything about one particular subject, whether it’s true or not. e.g. Yesterday my prof went on a four-hour rant on why the university is screwing him out of a pension.
Q – Quiet: A rarity on residence. Use quiet moments efficiently since you never know when another one might come along. e.g. It was so quiet before you guys got back from thanksgiving, I got half of my first week’s reading done.
R – Res: Short for residence, an over-priced, tiny room, often shared with a stranger. Rife with intoxication, loud music, bugs, disease, and garbage. e.g. Someone made an awful mess on the carpet in front of my res room door last night.
S – Security: On res, these people are basically the anti-fun police. No noise, no open alcohol, no drinking games, no fun. e.g. Security confiscated my last beer, mind if I grab one of yours? [Photo: illegal-smiles]
T – TCG: Acronym for The Computer Guy. The only person on the floor who knows how to fix that goddamn virus you got from streaming porn… I mean TV. e.g. My computer screams at me every time I turn it on, time to call TCG.
U – Undergrad: Young enough to party, old enough to leave home. These are truly the best four years ever — besides the school part. e.g. I don’t remember much of my undergrad years because it was SO AWESOME.
V — Vegans: A group of animal-loving students on campus who eat a lot of Quinoa and maintain a forbidden vegetable garden under their bed. e.g. Carol didn’t know what to eat in the cafeteria because the special was Meat Surprise and she’s a vegan.
W – Weed: Also known as mary-jane, pot, reefer, marijiganja, grass, etc. When consumed with alcohol, it leads to high levels of intoxication. Accounts for a large percentage of the underground university economy. e.g. That was some pretty dank weed we smoked last night. [Photo: electric-connection]
X — X-treme: The word you use to describe the engineers who live downstairs from you. e.g. You think they party hard, but even the way they study is x-treme!
Y — YOLO: An abbreviation for “you only live once” that you can use to justify the stupid sh*t you do.
e.g. I wasn’t going to get the giant tattoo of my campus’ mascot on my back but then I thought YOLO. [Gif: awkward-black-girl]
Z – Zombied: What will happen to you if you pull too many all-nighters in a row. e.g. After being awake for 72 hours straight, I’ve been completely zombied.