By Galen Simmons
Of all the possible (and impossible) ends to the human race, the notion of having everyone you’ve ever known turn into mindless husks of human flesh intent on eating the still-living leaves me feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. Just think, a shotgun and a box of ammunition is all you’d need for hours of non-stop entertainment. And yes, that could be potentially dangerous, but only if you haven’t created the appropriate safety protocols.
To enjoy yourself during the zombie apocalypse, you must first heed the messages of people who have pondered the notion of the non-living much longer than we ever have. I’m talking, of course, about the film and T.V. writers who have played out zombie-themed scenarios countless times, and have incidentally uncovered survival strategies that work.
Here’s what Hollywood has to teach us:
1) Create a plan
Once you get past the initial shock and panic brought on by the thought that everyone you love is probably dead, you’ll be ready to have fun in your new zombie playground. Take a moment to sit and jot down a couple basic rules to help prevent any zombie from getting the jump on you. Caution is the key here. If you’re not careful your game could come to an end, and you don’t get any extra lives.
2) Find more survivors
After you’ve gotten your bearings and killed a few practice zombies, it’s time to figure out how to find other survivors. If you’re an optimist, you can try to go after your family and friends, however it would be smarter to find the nearest military outpost. Either way, your chances of finding people alive are slim, so a planned attack and a place to escape to are essential. In this stage it’s important to stay calm and not let the very real chance of your demise get to you.
3) Find skilled drivers
Hopefully there will be someone useful people in your group, like a doctor or a mechanic. If you do manage to score a mechanic, traveling by car is both safer and more efficient than on foot. Please remember to drive safely; a car accident in the zombie apocalypse is unimaginably more terrible than it is now.
4) Be prepared
One thing everyone who’s ever pondered the zombie apocalypse agrees on is the need for as much fire power and weaponry as can be found and carried. I really don’t think I have to stress this point, but bullets go fast when most of the things that move want to eat you.
5) Think ahead
When you finally manage to settle down in some sort of permanent civilization, many years down the road, and you find yourself bored with the idea of killing zombies, it will be time you started thinking of how you can profit off the unholy plague that has all but wiped humans from the earth. The population may be dramatically smaller, but greed and capitalism live on.
A caution from andPOP’s columnist Galen Simmons: I suffer from a very serious mental illness — doctor’s call it chronic boredom and they say it’s genetic. Recently, within the last five years or so, I discovered something millions of people discovered before me, the Internet. When used to cure boredom, the Internet can cause very serious addiction, and unfortunately anything I write on this blog can be considered an adverse side effect.