Here’s the deal andPOP monsters, we don’t often do movie reviews on the site but after seeing Battleship I just had to sound off… as much as I don’t want to think about the movie anymore.
When I was a kid my friends and I had Battleship marathons on rainy play dates, so I knew the game’s concept wouldn’t translate to the screen without some serious creativity. Hit and sink, hit and sink. That’s pretty much the gist of the game.
So I’m not surprised that the movie version of Battleship has absolutely no substance. Ultimately, it comes off as a two hour commercial for Hasbro, which naturally backed Transformers and G.I. Joe too. If you like high action movies that have more explosions than dialogue see Battleship, however, if you’re tired of formulaic scripts that rely on clichéd one-liners and fancy effects, stay home and play the game instead.
Director Peter Berg attempts to modernize the game (which predates WWI) by introducing an armada of aliens who threaten the world after NASA tries to make contact with them. When the aliens receive the satellite signal, instead of being all like “hey, let’s party” they go full Michael Bay.
Our underdog hero Alex Hopper (Taylor Kitsch) is on a routine navy exercise when the spaceships land and he discovers how brave he really is when sh*t starts blowing up. The director’s intention seems to be that “adversity is the state in which man most easily becomes acquainted with himself,” a line used early on.
The plot has tons of other tired clichés. Let me count the ways: an older wiser brother teaches his younger brother how to be a man; even a hero isn’t impressive to his girlfriend’s father; a war amputee isn’t any less courageous than before; veterans are badass; two enemies come together against one common enemy (bonus: they happen to represent America and Japan).
I’m almost positive the writers are the same people who come up with the cheesy one-liners G.I. Joe’s action figure spits out. The line “not today” was used multiple times. You know, like when someone screams “we’re all going to die” and then our main hero says “not today bitch” just before firing a missile. After doubting his leadership skills and ability to crush the enemies, a crew mate recycles the
classic line “if you can’t, who can Captain?”
One thing this film has going for it is its eye candy cast. Of course, Alexander Skarsgard makes our hearts explode and I’ve got a total fangirl crush on Rihanna, though she should really stick to music. One of the few legitimately funny lines comes at the end of the movie and involves Liam Neeson, who’s always badass — though part of me wonders why Battleship Liam, why?
The special effects were okay, especially when combined with the score, but since there’s little dialogue, the action scenes are disjointed and confusing. Ultimately the movie feels like a formulaic money grab and an undeniable