By Galen Simmons
By the time this letter reaches you, Troy’s blanket fort has probably seceded from Abed’s pillow fort. Greendale has divided its loyalties along said line, and a conflict of unimaginable proportions has taken place.
General Shirley has won quite a few battles for Troy, but for all her victories, General Pierce seemed to shoot back with his own triumphs. The ever-diplomatic Jeff has been encouraging the feather-shed (get it? Blood-shed?) for his own self-interest, while Annie has been nursing the countless wounded.
There is peace for now, brokered by Dean Pelton, but for how long? All I can do now is hope I live to see another day, but, alas, if I don’t make it home alive, please take comfort in these out of focus, poorly framed battlefield pictures taken by Britta.
P.S. Five things I learned from last night’s episode of Community “Pillows and Blankets” are…
1) When it comes to pillow fighting, the Changlorious Bastards are a force to be reckoned with. When unleashed upon Abed by Troy and led by General Chang, the Changlorious Bastards turned the tide of war. Their youth gave them an advantage over the regular infantry, as most of the regular infantry hadn’t fought a pillow fight since they were young. Only history will tell of the atrocities unleashed by the Changlorious Bastards.
2) General Pierce’s Pillow Suit might have saved countless lives on Abed’s side. The suit allowed Abed, for a time, to defend his soldiers against the infamous Changlorious Bastards. Unfortunately, at the last battle before the peace treaty, General Pierce was struck down by the Bastards. If the war had continued, Abed wouldn’t have stood a chance without the Pillow Suit.
3) Nurse Annie will be receiving a medal for her bravery in the face of danger. She helped clear the battlefield of casualties and treated the wounded. She also helped convince the traitor Jeff to help broker a peace between the two sides. She will be remembered in history for her bravery.
4) Jeff, who spent most of the war as a traitor on both sides, ended further pain by bringing Troy and Abed back together. I guess even monsters can do good deeds.
5) Sun Tzu was wrong, apparently the key to war isn’t to know your enemy, but rather the key is to put imaginary friendship hats on the leaders of both sides. When will the rest of the world learn?