flamingbarrelThis week’s topic: Top five video game clichés

Hey readers,

For this week’s rant, I thought I would take a page out of the Brett blog and do a top five list. Not to steal his thunder, but a topic like this has been nagging in my head for a good long while now. This week, I’m going to take a look at the top five clichés that annoy me but often pop up in video games. Perhaps because it works well in that specific title, perhaps because the story writers or coders or someone along the supply chain was lazy, perhaps we will never know but until that point, at least you, the viewers will know how I feel about them.

He does it for his country. He does it for freedom.

He does it for his country. He does it for freedom.

5) Fighting for a noble cause

Whether you are fighting through the video game story to save the one you love, the princess, or the entire world nearly every video game out there has you doing something extraordinary for someone else. Call me a little selfish, but I think I would overly enjoy a video game where people kill thousands of monsters / aliens / other people for no other reason than for personal wealth and power. Mario’s saving the princess, Sonic’s saving the forest critters, Master Chief / Marcus Fenix / Commander Shepard are fighting for the human race; hell even Nikko Belic starts fighting to save his cousin. I want to see Snake put an end to all threats on America… then start taking assignments from anyone in the world with enough cash to cover his expenses.

4) Regenerating health

He'll be ok, he just needs to sit down for a minute.

He'll be ok, he just needs to sit down for a minute.

I’ve been playing a lot of Gears of War 2 since the All Fronts Collection DLC came out and one thing that always bugged me is that if you get shot to hell then sit around for a couple of seconds, you’re good to go as if you had never been hit. Not only that but the computer bad guys in these games don’t usually have these same luxuries. I feel like if I got shot at point blank with a shot gun then sat on the couch during the length of a commercial I would still most likely still be pretty upset about the wound… and bleeding… a lot. Somewhat related to this point is how food can give you your health back. Sure, you may be hungry, but that melon won’t seal up the cuts and replace the lost blood. I figure if you’re hurt, chances are you were hit. Deal with it, go visit a hospital lose a week or two in the game and move on.

This lazy bugger's supposed to save the planet?

This lazy bugger's supposed to save the planet?

3) Less than heroic heroes

In my book there are only a few average every day heroes. Firemen, Policemen, anyone really that puts their lives on the line on a daily basis for the greater good. Why haven’t they made an action game that depicts this? Hell, I’d even take an action game where a fireman just by chance gets warped into another dimension and has to use his skills to save an alien planet! What really annoys me is the cliché where you start off as just a kid, or even worse, a dork that gets picked on; who ends up in the wrong place at the wrong time and gets thrown into a world saving position. Not only that but he grows into the role of this amazing hero throughout the game and by the end he’s fighting an amazingly strong monster that the professional warriors could not vanquish, he’s gained massive amounts of gold and magic, and gets the disgustingly hot princess. Then after the war is won with the world saved and everyone oblivious to their near doom, you go home and not mention a single word to anyone and have the high school bullies pick on you again as well as your mother not appreciating you. Jeeze man, tell your mother! Maybe then she’ll be proud enough to talk about you to her friends at the salon… that and you won’t have to hide your gorgeous princess in the closet anymore. On a side note, I would imagine that if some kid all of a sudden got thrown into an adventure that he would surely be killed by the first threat he encountered.

2) Final boss battles

I’m not a huge history buff or anything like that; but from the classes I’ve taken and movies I’ve seen on war it seems to me that more often than not, those leading wars and battles often are strategizers rather than fighters. Brains controlling the brawn. So why is it that in (almost) every video game, the final boss is a super strong mutant, or a giant monster, or Bowser? There are really only two video games I can think of where the boss is actually a person smart enough to organize, strategize, and pull of an invasion / war / plague. The first game that popped into my mind was Sonic the Hedgehog. Dr. Eggman is well… a genius. First off he’s a doctor, he had to go through years of evil education to get that title so I suppose he earned it and learnt a lot on the way. Secondly, all of Sonic’s biggest battles seem to be with the bad doctor’s robots and machines (the evil robot Sonic from Sonic CD and the giant Eggman robot come to mind here). After being beaten by Sonic time after time you would think Eggman would have figured out a way to either slow sonic down or speed himself up; ever think of sticky floors Eggman?

That little goldfish is the boss... not the super strong cat-monster.

That little goldfish is the boss... not the super strong cat-monster.

The second title made me giggle as I thought about it because I thoroughly enjoyed the idea behind it. I’m talking about Earthworm Jim. Falling into the ‘less than heroic heroes’ cliché, Earthworm Jim was just that, a worm who was lucky enough to have a super powered space suit fall on his head. In Jim’s game, he faces a boss (in all 3 of his console games actually) beyond comprehension. The sheer atrocities this monster has unleashed on the world time and time again has put Jim to the test as this beast had to be stopped at all costs. The boss I speak of is none other than Bob the Killer Goldfish. In Earthworm Jim (the original game), you go through one of the hardest levels in the game only to walk up to Bob, a simple goldfish sitting in a small bowl on a table. He was smart enough to create all these defensive machines and traps… but in the end, he’s just a fish and can’t really put up a good fight. Jim just knocks over his bowl.

If you ask me, the best final bosses should be really simple while the minions directly below them be the super strong, super tough monsters that drive us wild. If anything, the final boss should even be a very graphic enticing cut scene at the end of the game. Now imagine if game creators could make a final boss that was strong AND smart… impossible.

This should be the only reason to drown in a video game.

This should be the only reason to drown in a video game.

1) Water

You’re going on a quest where you will face dangers beyond imagination, death around every corner, and in general mean bad stuff. How will you prepare? Work the muscles? Do some weapons training? No matter how much you prepare for your quest ahead you will meet with water at some point and apparently, it will kill you upon contact. This I think is the most frustrating cliché in video games. Sure in Mario games he can swim, he’s a plumber, in fact Mario can swim for days not needing to breath as he traverse the great depths of the sea (with great music in the background). Even Sonic was able to swim (but had to steal air bubbles to survive). What really hurts my brain is when super soldiers, bad ass fighters, even freakin Frogger die the moment they come in contact with natures abundant H2O. Even if you can’t swim why not bring a flotation device and keep it in your inventory. Falling into a puddle should not make me have to backtrack for a half hour and try again with one less life.

Honourable mention: Barrels and boxes

Why are some boxes perfect for cover while others are meant to be broken and hold weaponry in the middle of the street or fully cooked pork roasts? How does our hero know which boxes to dive behind in a gun fight and which to smash to find a secret item? Just once I’d like to see these two mix together and have you hide behind a crate only to have it fall apart when shot at.

And while we’re on the topic, why are all red barrels and boxes explosive? Why are there so many explosive barrels in video games? Have you yourself ever seen a highly flammable barrel in real life that was red? I feel like if I ever saw one I would hide behind a nearby crate (hopefully not one holding a lead pipe) and throw rocks at the barrel until it blew up.

Well, there you have it, my first list-organized rant on andPOP. I hope you enjoyed it and if you have any other clichés you think should have made the list feel free to post a comment below. Heck, if you thought my rant was lame, let me know too! I’m always open to constructive criticism. Except if you tell me that these clichés are or are not in specific games, these are good fun filled generalizations here for your entertainment.






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