Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be a 10-year-old girl and an amateur figure skater? To do single or even double axels in front of a crowd of dozens of people at your local arena? How great it would be to compete at the regional level. Well wonder no more thanks to THQ’s newest addition to the American Girl series, American Girl: Mia Goes for Great, which lets you fulfil all of your craziest 10-year-old-girl-figure-skating inspired fantasies.

Before I continue, I ask that anyone reading this that actually has 10-year-old-girl-figure-skating inspired fantasies stop immediately and seek professional help. It’s weird and not socially acceptable. That having been said, my introduction was clearly sarcasm and an attempt to point out the fact that it is a poor concept for a video game that no one in their right mind would want to play.

And I know what you’re thinking, I get it all the time, the game is not targeted towards me and hence my opinion is biased and as a result I fail to grasp all the subtle genius which this game provides. You couldn’t be more wrong.

While it’s true that I am not the game’s target demographic, that I probably double if not triple the game’s intended audience, such children’s games aren’t really marketed at children at all. Ultimately, these video games are targeted towards the parents whose final stamp of approval is on every single piece of detritus that makes it into a child’s hand. And I would not want this game in the hands of my child. Maybe not the best argument considering I don’t have children, but hear me out anyways.

Mia St. Clair is a 10-year-old girl from a lower-middle class family growing up in up-state New York and aspires to be a figure skater. Mia has three brothers, Perry, Rick and Skip (generic enough?), all of which play hockey. Mia overcomes all the obstacles she encounters with cunning and wit and manages to turn an enemy into a friend in the process. She makes it all the way to regionals (along with everyone else she originally competes against) and wins the competition, at which point the game ends and tries to entice you into playing again. Total play time, two and a half hours.

The worst part about the story is that the player is constantly reminded of how little money this family has and structures the entire game around this fact (which is ironic considering that American Girl dolls retail for around $90 USD each. Maybe rich kids want to know what it’s like to not have a lot of money?).

Every major obstacle that Mia encounters is money related and is resolved by people giving her free stuff in exchange for the completion of some meaningless task or answering some trivia question.

All Mia wants to do is figure skate, but in order to do so she has do what feels like dozens of fetch quests just to get on the ice to practice.

My least favourite time spent with Mia was her gig working as a sewing store mascot in order to get material for her costume. I was required to tell at least 10 people of a holiday special and sing a tune which is not very pleasant.

Once you’ve done all the require tasks which include picking your costume (which you don’t actually get to do), pick your music (again, not up to you), and fix your skates (answer some figure skating trivia), you’re finally ready to design your routine. This is where the fun begins… kidding, there is no fun to be found in this game.

Designing your routine consists of dragging possible manoeuvres into numbered slots indicating the order of your tricks. The only freedom you have is choosing the order in which your tricks will appear in your routine, as there are rules that dictate what has to be included. Once all the required tricks have been added you’re ready to begin practice, which brings us to the next big problem with the game. The figure skating.

In order to perform the tricks which you have chosen for your routine, you simply hit one of the directional buttons within the time limit and the trick is performed right in front of your eyes… Are you serious? I am supposed to feel like a figure skater by pressing a key within an allotted amount of time? The challenge level is zero. The most difficult trick requires the player to press the direction key twice in the same direction or once in opposite directions. That’s really all there is to say about that. That is the closest the game gets to any form of action. What’s worse is that when you win the first competition, you get to do the exact same tasks that you had to do before, with a few boring additions.

Mia uses Blizzard’s Diablo style of movement and really doesn’t add anything to the mix. Players simply point and click on the screen or use directional buttons to navigate the quietest, most desolate town ever depicted in a video game. The single map includes a library, garage, pizza place, your house, an arena, and sewing store. The town has a population of 12 characters who you can only interact with by talking if you have something to say to them or need. No shooting the shit with these characters.

As for graphics, there’s really not much to say. Nothing in the town moves, come to think of it, nothing in the entire game moves other than yourself and maybe the occasional blinking of an eye or moving of the head by one of the NPC’s. The game uses a mix of animated and real life graphics which fails to captivate the details of a real person and the exaggerated features of an animated character and the result is the most vanilla looking character models I have ever seen.

Dialogue trees are bland and really cheesy. A snooze fest all around. I do however appreciate that the writers didn’t subject me too many bad puns or jokes.

With that as evidence, I rest my case your honour. American Girl: Mia Goes for Great is another attempt by publishers to cash in on a popular franchise without delivering a quality product. A game this linear, where players are given absolutely no freedom other than that of choosing which order tasks are completed, is a waste of time and money. Even the low price point seems too steep to purchase this game which is good for nothing more than to serve as a coaster. Buy them some candy, or put the money in their education fund, but don’t waste it on this game. If your children are really interested in learning about figure skating, read them a book, or sit them in front of a Wikipedia entry, they will have more fun, I promise.

Graphics: 0.5 / 5.0
Gameplay 0 / 5.0
Sound 1 / 5.0
Replay value 0 / 5.0






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