It seems that there?s only one way of measuring success in Hollywood ? the almighty dollar.

I hope this doesn?t come as a surprise to anyone, and I hope I haven?t shattered anyone?s fantasies about movies as art.

Certainly, there are movies that are art, and film can be an art form, but when things are boiled down to their most basic level, if you can?t make a movie profitably, you won?t be making movies for very long.

I read (somewhere) that one of the big problems with the movie making culture is that everyone is obsessed with box office grosses, and opening weekend totals, and this all consuming fixation can ultimately be self-destructive.
I must admit, occasionally I buy into this as well.
In my column about Chicken Little (Nov. 16) I kind of obsessed over how much money it would make, and the results of that.

I also tend to scan through the newspaper on Monday mornings to see who won the battle for weekend supremacy at the box office.

However, I?ve been working in a video store for a couple of years, and I have since devised my own method of judging success in movies, which is as follows:
A successful movie is one that people consistently want to watch two, or three years later.

This may seem simple, but it flies in the face of the conventional, money-centred wisdom.
Here?s an example:

The Mummy, released in 1999, was wildly successful from an economic standpoint; it made $202 million, and spawned two sequels (The Mummy Returns, and The Scorpion King.) However, I can count on the fingers of one hand how many times it?s rented in the last year ? and that doesn?t include my thumb.

On the other hand, Three Kings, starring George Clooney and Mark Wahlberg and Ice Cube made a modest $60 million.
This one I watched over the weekend, it?s one of my favourite war movies, and it?s constantly rented out.
From a money point of view, the Mummy was the bigger success, but as far as I?m concerned, Three Kings takes the prize.

This brings me to this week. The Fantastic Four comes out on DVD this Tuesday, and it is already being hailed as a success.

It?s yet another big-budget comic book adaptation, this time dealing with the origin story of The Human Torch, The Thing, The Invisible Woman, and the man himself, Mr. Fantastic.

I wish I?d been at the Marvel garage sale when they sold off the movie rights to every single comic series they have. If there?s anyone out there who can explain to me why Stan Lee, already rolling in the dough as owner and founder of Marvel, found the need to sell his soul and make these mediocre movies, I?d like to hear it.

I won?t go on about comic book movies ? the subject has already been covered to death, and just in case it hasn?t, I might write about it in an upcoming column.

However, I will say that Fantastic Four is a cookie-cutter comic book movie with nothing new to offer. It?s an origin story, which means it follows of the exact same formula of: Getting new powers, experimenting with new powers, deciding to use powers for good, fighting super villain, defeating him, and leaving room for a sequel.

Of course, because how good a movie has nothing to do with how much money it makes, Fantastic Four was hailed as an unqualified success.

It came out in theatres in the middle of an historic 18-week box office slump, and grossed a total of $154 million.
In fact, it made so much money that we can look forward to Fantastic Four 2, (we can also look forward do me bashing my head into a wall if someone asks me to see it.)

My point is this: I am no fortuneteller, but I can confidently predict that within three years no one, anywhere, will want to watch Fantastic Four, and it will be completely forgotten.

So don?t be fooled by the hype, and don?t be fooled by the millions of dollars that people have spent going to see mediocre movies.

These movies aren?t good, and every time you go to see one, and pump up its earnings, you just beg the Hollywood types to make another one.

Oh, and just in case it?s anyone?s wondering, Jessica Alba does get into underwear briefly, but it?s totally not worth it because it lasts three seconds, and if that?s all you?re interested in, you?re watching the wrong kind of movies.






Related Stories: