I just saw the trailer on Apple.com, (a great source of trailers for upcoming and past movies, by the way) and I am psyched.

Big Momma?s House 2 comes out on January 27th, and I am counting the days.

I should probably explain.

On my first real date with a girl (Julia,) we went to see Big Momma?s House, starring Martin Lawrence.

The movie is about a police officer who, for whatever reason, has to pose as a morbidly obese woman in order to crack the case and get the bad guys.

The movie was terrible.

I recall them not allowing me to take a beverage in a glass bottle into the theatre because they were worried about the damage glass might do to the screen if thrown.

I also remember wanting to throw something at the screen during several particularly terrible moments.

However, the news isn?t all bad.

I credit that movie with single-handedly teaching me how to kiss, (along with Julia, of course.)

I was fourteen, a bit of a late bloomer, and had yet to ever kiss a girl.

About twenty minutes into this terrible excuse for a movie, I got so bored with the bad comedy that I decided to engage in a much pleasanter pastime.

I screwed up all my courage, leaned in, and kissed her ? well, sort of.

My technique was dreadful and hers was just as bad.

Moreover, I had trouble making actual lip-to-lip contact because our noses kept hitting.

Embarrassed, I sat back in my seat and returned my attention to the movie. My first kiss (sort of) had been a disastrous failure.

I vaguely remember watching Martin Lawrence play basketball in a fat suit.

Ten minutes went by, and I was once again, painfully bored with the movie, and I could tell Julia was too.

Moreover, I?d only been half watching the movie; in my mind, I?d been analysing the kiss ? what had gone wrong, and what needed to be done differently.

Another five minutes went by; I summoned what courage I could find, leaned in, and kissed her again.

It went every bit as badly as the first time. All four lips were all over the place (hers and mine) and my tongue sort of lost track of where it was supposed to be going.

Needless to say, I aborted again, and leaned back into my own seat to deal with my embarrassment.

I won?t give you a play by play of how things proceeded over the course of the whole movie.

Suffice it to say that this song and dance of kiss and retreat repeated itself seven or eight times over the next hour or so, and by the closing credits, not only had we made it to full fledged making out, I managed to get to second base, (over the shirt.)

The moral of the story is twofold. First, you might learn as much from a bad movie as from a good movie ? if you go into it with an open mind.

Second, Big Momma?s House is a terrible terrible movie, and does not deserve a sequel.

Unfortunately, franchise movies are all the rage right now and all manner of movies which don?t deserve sequels are getting them.

This is just a few of the sequels we can look forward to in 2006 (and as far as I?m concerned, none of these should have been made): Final Destination 3, Basic Instinct 2, Scary Movie 4, Mission: Impossible 3, The Fast and The Furious 3, Clerks 2, Garfield 2, Indiana Jones 4, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning, The Grudge 2, The Santa Clause 3, Ice Age 2, and Resident Evil: Afterlife.
It?s enough to make me want to puke.

The most depressing thing is that all of the movies these sequels are based on made decent amounts at the box office, despite being terrible, which means that each and every one of them is a blatant, painful, cash grab.

In fact, you can almost calculate how many sequels a movie will get by the amount of money it makes. (Shrek, for example made so much that we can look forward to Shrek 3, in 2007, and Shrek 4, in 2009.)

I look forward to seeing Big Momma?s House 2 for sentimental reasons; I plan on taking my current girlfriend and bumping my nose into hers once we get bored with Martin Lawrence, which shouldn?t take long.

Anyway, I hope no one?s too disappointed that I didn?t talk about Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire.

The truth is that I?d probably have nothing insightful or original to say about it anyway, and I really don?t want to see it opening night.

I really hate people who dress up as Dumbledore.






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