When hired, sales associates go through a rigorous training process called ?Threads? in which we?re taught the necessities of customer service: Quick, Friendly, Knowledgeable, and Helpful. So, while we live by those principles (when the manager?s around anyways) where the f*** are your manners, bitch?

I apologize for that isolated incident of verbal diarrhea, it just irks me whenever a customer walks in thinking that we?re willing to take a bullet for them just because they may or may not buy that t-shirt on sale for $6.99.

Using examples of actual customer interactions in the past weeks, here are some ?do?s? and ?don?ts? when shopping in a clothing store:

Do?s
1) Acknowledge the sales associate when they greet you.
Don?t whiz past me like I?m a cult leader rambling about judgment day on the street corner. A simple ?hey?, smile or nod will ensure that you?re on our good side and that you?ll get better service. And don?t pretend to get distracted by the denim wall and look the other way when I greet you. I?ll hunt you down like a dog until you say hi to me damnit.

2) Keep in mind what season it is.
It?s September and people still ask if we sell shorts, swimwear or sandals. You need these things now? What the hell were you wearing in the past sweltering three months? How profitable would a store be if their clothes were an entire season behind? Don?t get frustrated just because your cheap ass decided to wait till the summer clothes went on sale and everything in your size was sold out.

3) Take a shower before shopping.
Fitting room duty is truly an underrated job. You?re not just putting people into tiny cubicles and asking if they need another size, you?re folding clothes with their lingering stench. Two days ago a XXL man; hairy, sweaty and wearing a muscle top, tried on two woven shirts that we subsequently had to mark as ?damaged? because there were colossal pit stains and a smell that rivals an outhouse in July. My coworker stopped recommending other clothes to him as a result.

4) Ask us if you have a question.
Granted, I complain a lot about stupid people and their even more stupid questions but most of the time the customers just want to know if we have a shirt in their size or which style of jeans suits them best. We don?t work on commission so don?t feel like you?ve beat the system by not talking to any sales associates; you?re just missing out on a potentially awesome purchase. We have a stockroom full of clothes. We know the clothes better than you do. Just ask us, most of the time we?ll have that XS sweater and we will always be honest and tell you if your ass looks big (and we?ll also tell you if those jeans are unflattering).

Don?ts
1) Ask when things go on sale.
A customer asked me if he could see ?the sale sheet?, a magical piece of paper that tells you when everything will go on sale. People of the world: I have no freaking idea when things go on sale. The head office sends us sheets saying what gets markdowns the night before or the morning of sales. Even if I do know ahead of time do you?d think I?d tell you? ?Oh sir, come back exactly 16 days from now because these pants would be half price. We don?t want anybody to pay full price for anything because we don?t want the store to make money. I certainly don?t want that to happen, oh no.?

2) a) Treat us like your personal maid.
I love it when a customer asks me to dig through a pile of shirts because they don?t want to mess up the pile. It?s incredibly sweet but of course I?m obliged to say, ?Oh don?t worry about it, as long as we find your size that?s all that matters.? It?s all bullcrap. Even though it?s our job to keep the store clean, don?t be rude and leave clothes on the floor or put your empty Starbucks cups on the shelves. Once a customer threw the clothes over the door of his fitting room and on to the floor. I told him to leave it in the room to keep the clothes clean for the other customers but I really wanted to bitch slap him back to last week or smack him with the rolled up diaper that someone left in that same room a week before.

2) b) Treat us like your personal nanny/babysitter.
We sell clothes. That?s it. It?s your responsibility to keep an eye on your kids and make sure that they don?t smack themselves against the denim wall. It?s disgusts me when a parent is in the fitting room and the kids are playing tag on the floor, knocking down mannequins and messing up piles of clothes. You can?t try on 10 pairs of jeans and expect your children to remain obedient and sit still for an hour. Take them to the damn park and wait till you?re by yourself to go clothes shopping. If you can?t control your kids or care about their well being, I two words for you: birth control.

3) Try on things that you?re not going to buy.
You can tell when some customers are just trying on clothes in the spirit of that scene in ?Pretty Woman? when Julia Roberts? character gets to go on a shopping spree while her Prince Charming plays fashion critic. What?s the difference? The characters in the movie actually buy something. Not to sound discriminating (alright I am) but it?s easy to tell if a customer has money to spend as soon as he/she walks through the doors. When a bunch of junior high kids come in with backpacks and sip from their McDonald?s cups, I know they?re not going to buy anything. If their parents were accompanying them then that?s a different story. Parents with spoiled brats always buy something.

4) Expect that the customer is always right.
My sister lives by this motto, ?Never underestimate the stupidity of the average person.? It basically summarizes what goes through my mind everyday at work. Stores have rules and policies and they?re not going to be overridden just to please you. No, you cannot barter. No, you cannot return something that you bought and wore a month ago. And no, I won?t put money back into your gift card because $30 mysteriously vanished from it.

And as a bonus, here are some random questions that I have received in the past week while working at The Gap:

Do you sell overalls?
Where are your deodorants?
Do you accept diner?s club?
Do you (not the store in general, me specifically) do alterations?
Where are your denim vests?
Do you sell Levi?s?

And my personal favourite, alternate terms for capris pants that guys would give me because the word itself is deemed ?too feminine?:

Long shorts
Short pants
Skater pants
Man-pris

Even The Gap gave into this chauvinism and calls capris for men ?3/4 length shorts?. That?s one of the only things that the customer will ever be right about.






Related Stories: