Having just come back from a day at Wonderland with a group of high school friends, I have to say that a theme park is a virtual gold mine when it comes to what not to wear. Heck, I had to fight back the urge to throw down an imaginary cowboy hat and holler out, “There’s ugly clothes in them hills!”

Alright, when it comes to attending a theme park the last thing most people consider is dressing nicely. When you?re spending an entire day under the blistering sun and waiting an hour in line (before you?ve reached the official beginning of the line) you want to wear something that?s comfortable.

How can people mess this up?

T-shirt and jeans. No problem. Sneakers, shorts and a tank top. Provides support and the fabric breathes, excellent choice. But since when did comfortable automatically equate to being frumpy, overly baggy, stained or riddled with rips and tears? You have to realize that you?re still in public people!

Guys, no matter how much you want to show off that Pamela Anderson-inspired barb wire tattoo on your arm, white tank tops that are meant to be undershirts (the politically incorrect term being ?wife beaters?) does not give you any street cred at all. It?s an undershirt. It?s meant to be worn under another shirt. And when you think about it, it?s like wearing underwear as outerwear. Way to go dudes I saw waiting in line for funnel cakes, you?re wearing the male equivalent of a bra in public.

Now I know that there?s also a water park but my personal rule is that if you?re not at the pool or the beach then don?t wear flip flops. I hate it when guys think that they can dress up a piece of plastic that barely qualifies as a shoe by wearing them with a pair of jeans and a t-shirt that?s two sizes too small. Make the effort of bringing a pair of well-cushioned sneakers when you?re walking around the park for the entire day. Sure it may not be as ?fashionable? (I just threw up a little bit in my mouth) but you won?t be soaking your blistered feet in hot water at night. On a side note, why on earth would anyone wear socks with sandals? What?s the point of wearing socks to keep your feet warm and then wearing a shoe that?s supposed to keep them cool? That, and it?s one of the most hideous fashion monstrosities of men?s fashion (it?s neck and neck with pleated pants).

Anyways, speaking of clothing that should only be worn poolside, just because the term ?bikini top? has the word ?top? in it does not make it an all-purpose top that could be worn everywhere. Lady with the black shorts and blonde hair that I saw today, you should NOT wear a string bikini top when riding bumper cars. Now those are a set of airbags that you don?t want to see deployed. When you?re done with the water park, take off your bathing suit and cover yourself up with a t-shirt. I emphasize the covering up part not just because it gets rid of unwanted attention from those oh-so-suave-Romeos who hit on junior high school girls by the hot dog stand, I?m emphasizing the covering up part because most of the people you see wear a bikini in a theme park are the people that you don?t want to see in a bikini top.

There also seems to be a prevailing theme among the attire choices for women: short shorts. Please do not wear incredibly short shorts. When you?re boarding a ride the last thrill that everyone needs is to see denim camel toes.

With fall coming you?d think that people have moved on with this summer?s horrible trends. But a few have managed to cling on to the last remnants of the formerly (thank goodness) trendy OC/Ashlee Simpson/pseudo indie girl look. Flip flops, short and overly pleated stretchy skirts, a double-entendre graphic t-shirt from American Eagle or Abercrombie and Fitch, big hoop earrings (not a smart choice for roller coaster attire where you?re being flung around like a rag doll) and the poor boy/news boy and the newfound epitome of ugly hats, the pink straw cowboy hat with plastic flowers. So how exactly was this supposed to make a girl look edgy or quirky? Edgy like her fashion sense has plummeted off a cliff? Or quirky like that aunt who insists on wearing appliqu? vests and Christmas sweaters all year round? Fall is here, let it go.

But don?t feel like you have to wear your favourite shirt or designer jeans to the theme park (especially with all the hot dogs, nachos, pizza, ice cream and fries that love to stain all your favourite clothes). Just remember that although you might be on vacation, your fashion sense shouldn?t be. I promise to end next week?s article a lot better, I promise!






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