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Music Column: The VMAs Seemed Like a Bad Dream

Posted by Adam Gonshor on August 30th, 2005


“Was it all a Dream?”

Michael Moore uttered those words at the beginning Fahrenheit 9/11. Actually for the sake of this article filled with mentions of hip-hop artists, let’s attribute that quote to Faith Evans, as she sings the chorus to Jay-Z’s “A Dream.”

Was it all a dream? That’s exactly what I asked myself three and a half hours after the MTV Video Music Awards aired Sunday night.

I just don’t understand. Diddy promises me many times that tonight, “anything can happen.” I remember seeing MC Hammer dancing while being laughed at by Jay-Z. I remember seeing Diddy give someone other than me an expensive watch. I remember Eva Longoria wearing a quasi-revealing swimsuit.

I even remember Ludacris on the red carpet saying that he was looking forward to a huge surprise on the show, but couldn’t say what it was, only promising that everyone would be talking about it the next day. I guess he was talking about MC Hammer.

Though he could have been talking about the train wreck called R Kelly (more on that later).

Surprises on the show are customary. Guns ‘N Roses returning a few years ago (before dying a slow death months later); Britney and Madonna kissing (and Christina, can’t forget her, she gets mad when we forget); Michael Jackson appearing, or kissing, or dancing, or doing something that only he can do.

There was none of that this year. Hell, there was none of that last year.

Fine, so there were no surprises. I’ll get over it. I’m not a 5-year-old who needs candy, in the form of a surprise on the MTV Awards.

But without surprises this year, there was nothing.

Diddy was the host, and if the MTV execs were watching, won’t be host again. He said he wouldn’t try to do a comical monologue because he’s not a comedian, yet still tried to crack jokes. He danced a bit, then danced again, then conducted an orchestra. I saw a lot of water being splashed around while he pointed. He used one segment to give shout outs to his friends in the audience.

I piddy Diddy’s hosting skills. But I still want an invite to his party.

And the performances. Wow. That’s not “wow” in a good way. Before you think all I do is complain, which is only 80 per cent true, let me say one good thing. Kelly Clarkson was amazing. Her voice was incredible. She gave the performance of the night.

Now back to complaints, and let’s start with R. Kelly, or Robert Kelly as he will be known in jail. He acted out parts of his Trapped in the Closet while the video played in the background. He didn’t sing, he had no microphone. The music played and he acted out all the parts. I’m not kidding. If you didn’t see this, you may think I’m lying. This went on for about 10 minutes. It was the worst moment on MTV since Diddy hosted the VMA Awards (oh, right). They should have thrown R. Kelly in jail for this performance.

Green Day, 50 Cent, Mariah Carey, and The Killers performances were all decent, but they were just straight forward performances. I could have popped in their CDs and heard the same thing.

Kanye West and Jamie Foxx were great, but after seeing Ye perform Jesus Walks on the Grammys, more is expected out of him.

And for some reason, I enjoyed Ludacris’ performance. I’m not a fan of his music, but he did well Sunday incorporating world music beats and instruments into his performance.

Here are some more random thoughts on the 2005 MTV VMAs:

-Gwen Stefani was in the building, despite not being invited to perform. I guess her threat not to show up was as empty as MC Hammer’s wallet.
-Whose brilliant idea was it to give out the male and female Video of the Year award at the exact same time? Kanye West looked like he thought he was being Punk’d. Relax, Kanye, it’s just Kelly Clarkson.
-The only reference to Suge Knight being shot came from Orlando Bloom when asked on the red carpet how he was enjoying Miami. “I haven’t been shot yet so that’s good.” I still won’t see Elizabethtown.
-Diddy encouraged people to vote for the fan’s choice award by threatening the audience.
“Vote or die.” A bit extreme, he thinks he can just threaten me to vote and I’m going to take time to actually vote? No chance in?I chose Green Day. I’m safe.
-Grandmaster Flash spinning records: pure class by MTV.
-Why didn’t anyone tell Jessica Simpson not to wear that?
-R. Kelly sucks. Wanted to say that again.
-Hilary Duff and Joel Madden finally admitting they are going out. Why do I think of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley when I see them?
-Before giving Missy Elliott an award, Fat Joe said he feels safe in the building with all the security courtesy of G-Unit. Not quite sure what that meant, but at least it’s some unscripted action.
-Dane Cook is hilarious.
-Eva Longoria is not. But that’s ok.
-Will.I.Am of the Peas is wearing a purse. I won’t judge, I’ll just make sure everyone knows.
-There was actually one good part of 50′s performances, and that was at the end when he yelled at Fat Joe. I don’t think this feud is over.
-Paris Hilton and Bow Wow had a bling-off. What’s Bow Wow thinking? He can’t out-bling a hotel heiress.

God bless the 2006 VMAs. They need all the help they can get.

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