We’re all built differently so we should dress accordingly.

Sounds simple doesn’t it?

Tell that to the countless jelly rolls, back fats, and hazardous cleavage that have graced the fitting rooms where I work. And since commission is mostly an evil ghost of retail past when something looks bad, I?ll tell them.

But of course when a customer asks if these jeans make their butt look big I?ll never say, ?No, your ass looks big on its own.? Instead I?ll tell them that it doesn?t fit them well and that it looks really uncomfortable and recommend something that will suit them better.

And no I?m not just isolating overweight people as the main culprits of crap-tacular fashion crimes; every body type has certain items of clothing that should be avoided:

For example:

-Short people should stay away from turtlenecks (shortens the neck and the whole body)
-Women with broad shoulders should avoid camisoles (makes shoulders wider than they are)
-Men with skinny arms should avoid long sleeved T-shirts and baseball T?s (emphasizes skinniness)

Anyways if your figure is curvier than the average man or woman, here?s the proper way to dress, starting with women:

Pants should be cut straight with a wider leg or a flare at the bottom. Though tapered legs are forbidden for everybody, they do the most damage to plus sized figures (imagine a pastry bag bursting with butter cream, and no, I didn?t realize the horrible connection until the article deadline).

When it comes to jeans, smaller pockets minimizes the bum and forget those super tight, super low-rise cooch pants because we all know what will happen: the flab created from the jeans will spill out, see its shadow and we?ll have to endure six more weeks of winter. Remember also to go for the darker washes and a little distressing (as much as I hate faux distressing) down the thighs to help elongate the body.

Stay away from bright colours and shiny fabrics. This doesn?t mean that you?re condemned to a life of black pants and skirts (which should be kept at knee-length or lower); it means that you should opt for richer colours like deep browns, reds, blues and greens.

Tops should have wider straps (no spaghettis please!) and should never fit too tight or else you?ll get an eyeful of armpit cleavage (you know what I?m talking about ladies). Also, dresses with empire waists rarely look good unless you want to be asked if you?re pregnant every five minutes.

Keep the cleavage to a minimum because it?s like watching a car teeter over a cliff, you know something?s going to happen eventually. Prints should be kept on the small scale to maintain proportions. Speaking of proportions, absolutely no shrugs, skinny scarves or matchbook-sized purses with skinny straps are allowed.

Bright colours can be added in small doses in the form of a scarf, a top under a jacket or jewelry. I?m not for flashy tops in general anyways; it reminds me of the pylons that I had to maneuver around in eighth grade gym class.

Overwhelmed by the rules? Don?t even think about abandoning it all and wear mens? XXL t-shirts and sweats. That just adds on the unnecessary pounds and eliminates any evidence that you?re a woman with curves that those skinny bitches would kill for.

Moving on to the male counterpart, stick to straight legs when it comes to jeans. As popular as bootcut jeans are, they?re cut slimmer in the thigh and from what I?ve seen while working in the fitting rooms, it doesn?t fit everyone. From the knees up, it looks like ground meat being squeezed into sausage casing. There?s no shape whatsoever, just one overstuffed flesh tube from the rear down to the knees. Then there?s the bootcut leg opening where the denim just flaps in the breeze. Does not look good, people!

Go for jeans and pants that are cut straight, nothing fancy like slim cuts or flared openings. In the summer, do not wear white pants even though they?re oh so ?Euro chic? (or Euro trash in my books).

Under no circumstances should pleats be worn. They add pouf to the midsection, you might as well be wearing Mom jeans. Also avoid the trend of jeans with whiskering around the crotch and thighs; they just make you look like you?re stretching the life out of them jeans.

So let?s just say this to get it over with once and for all: Just because it?s trendy does not mean that it?ll look good on you (or no one in the case of trucker hats, pointy dress shoes and popping shirt collars).

Speaking of shirts, trade in the horizontal stripes for vertical stripes but keep away from bright colours (as most guys should do anyways). Like women, avoid large prints (unless you?re a drunken sophomore in a fraternity) and those slim fitting shirts from H&M. What?s the male equivalent of female armpit boobs? A pregnant belly.

Although store mannequins are usually there to make the shopping process easier by giving you examples on how to put together outfits, remember that the average female mannequin is a size two and that male mannequins have a 30-31 inch waist, not to mention the clothes are often pinned back to give a more slimming silhouette. The best thing to do is to get a close and honest friend or family member to accompany you on all shopping expeditions to ensure that jelly rolls wouldn’t pop out and we can all enjoy an early spring.






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