There are always philosophical, soul-searching questions that can be brought up while drinking a fine French wine, but for my nineteenth birthday Sunday night, my close girl friends and I chose green apple martinis and a time-honoured favourite topic of conversation, boys. Specifically, what kinds of style do we like on boys? What began as drunken ramblings (”I luuuurve you man”) became a fashionable look at everything stylish the boys we love and hate do, from farmer tans to the colour purple.

Our panel of self-proclaimed male style experts are as different as can be, but you’ll probably recognize their fictional counterparts from a popular HBO show starring Sarah Jessica Parker in my role that my lawyer suggests I tell you I have never heard of. Ahem. Sue Bedford is a sexy bartender and was the only white girl at our former high school who successfully pulled off dreadlocks; she has a thing for Gavin Rossdale. Shira Rosenthal is a bodacious brunette (the Veronica of our bunch) and also a bartender who has harboured a life long crush on Tommy Lee and Johnny Depp. Tasha Rooke is our bubbly blonde Betty and has loved Justin Timberlake for as long as I’ve known her (almost seven years) but has recently been creeping around my husband Pharrell Williams. Finally, Jovonne Lee is a Baywatch-esque lifeguard (seriously! With the running and everything!) who is pursuing a degree in International Relations at the London School of Economics, and is far above this superficial boy nonsense. She does like Lenny Kravitz though. Finally, there’s me, with my wild curly hair, freelance fashion column job, obsessive love for Owen Pallett and James Franco (Freaks and Geeks Franco, not Spiderman) and love for all things fashionably overpriced (again, I have?er? never heard of this “Sex and the City” show everyone says I’m copying). Sue and Shira mixed the best green apple martinis of all time and somewhere around our third drink we got down to manly style business.

Some of the comments made were just bizarre and must be blamed on the vodka. For example, Sue and Shira swore up down right and left that they love farmer tans. You know, like tee shirt and sock tan lines. “It means they’re not self conscious!” Shira claimed, probably due to the expression of horror on my face. “And they work outdoors,” adds Sue.

While they made be crazy, they do have a point; naturally tanned skin on a boy is ridiculously sexy. It suggests both outdoors-ness and athleticism. On the other hand, we all unanimously decide that fake tans on boys (and for all humans, really) should be banned from existence. A fake tan is orange, overly done, and screams of vanity. No one wants to date a “Ken doll”, as Tasha correctly dubs them. A Ken doll, we all decide, has a fake tan, a pink Burberry shirt with the collar flipped up, an iPod in his front shirt pocket, and the same jeans as me. In a relationship, my jeans are the ones that cost $200 plus, mkay? We’re no Barbies.

This brings up the subject of ‘over style’. We may all love the dreaminess of Pharrell and write “Mrs Pharrell Williams” all over our Psych 101 texts (no? Just me?) but his expensive tee-blazer-and-jeans look is over. Sorry boys, your foolproof visit mom/shopping at Urban Outfitters/bar hopping outfit is more overdone than turkey at Thanksgiving. It’s time to put a little more effort into what you’re wearing out, as opposed to just copying whoever’s trendy right now.

Speaking of trendy, we are all sick of the funny tee shirt. “FBI Female Body Investigator? No. Uh uh. Sorry,” says Shira. Jovonne adds that tees like that, along with “Jesus is my Homeboy” and “I Like Girls Who Like Girls” shirts are too appealing to the masses; we want our guys wearing something we didn’t just see on 12 people in the subway. Sue puts it best, I think, when she says she likes guys who are “wearing tee shirts of bands they actually listen to, from a tour they actually went to.” A little authenticity is always a plus. As a side note, nothing too tight and nothing purple seems to be a must for Jovonne.

Tasha likes the pink look ? “Faded salmon!” my boyfriend corrects her ? “but only in small doses,” we all agree. As for jeans, Sue likes them ripped and we all like them blue and cheap. Gap, American Eagle, Levi’s, and BDG are all acceptable. A guy should never be too label conscious or reek of money (see: Ken doll), so if you must wear a Lacoste polo, please pair it with $30 jeans. As for Lacoste, while Tasha still likes it, I feel it’s all about Penguin polos now.

Now the conversation shifts from clothes to just “style.” Style is a lot harder because (duh) you can’t buy it. Style encompasses almost everything about a guy, beginning with hair. Our tastes in hair range from the artful messy bedhead, high maintenance Mohawks, and tastefully styled long locks, but we all agree that one defining product is unacceptable: hair gel. Too much hair gel looks like you just haven’t showered in three weeks and, um, ew. Sue says she dislikes a guy who spends more time on his hair than we do, which is anywhere from three to thirty minutes. Ideally, we’d like to think you have naturally gorgeous hair, but if you need to style it a little that’s cool ? we just don’t want to be dating Uncle Jesse from Full House (remember? “Don’t touch the hair!” Asshole.).

In terms of facial hair, we all agree that a bit of tasteful scruff is quite dreamy and necessary for mine and Tasha’s favourite look, the “scruffy clean” (Scruffy clean, adj. A guy who showers regularly and naturally smells good, but wears slightly ripped jeans and has a five o’clock shadow.). Bad facial hair was all too common with first year university boys. Sue summed it up creating a fit of drunken giggles: “No one likes a mustachio.” (Mustachio, n. Hairy upper lip that is not balanced out by any other facial hair). Let’s hope they spend this summer reflecting on life and a new Mach 3.

Other style no’s include sunglasses indoors (we all know you have pinkeye) and bling. Jewellery that means something to you is cute, but a fake diamond pendant is a like a huge “TACKY” sign around your neck. Axe body spray, contrary to what TV may say, will not bring you many naked girls. We want a boy who either naturally smell good, or wears subtle cologne that can only be smelled up close.

The conversation moved to other stylish traits we like. Shira brought up inherent good manners, meaning the guy is genuinely nice without blatantly wanting sex, to which we all agreed. If I had a nickel for every thirteen year old boy who offered me his jacket at some bar mitzvah hoping to get to third base??..I’d have approximately forty five cents. We know guys like sex, which is okay. We just want someone who, when seeing us shiver, actually wants to make us warmer before he makes a move. The waitresses at the party, Sue and Shira, like to see a big tipper on dates ? “Twenty percent,” they say ? because we all know a boy who tips well, opens doors, and offers his jacket is a keeper.

There’s more, of course, but I don’t even think I could write it all down. “You know this guy doesn’t exist,” Jovonne kept reminding me as I drunkenly jotted down everything they were saying.

So maybe some people would say we’ve got high standards but truthfully, we just have good taste. And maybe Jovonne doesn’t believe these guys exist but I know they’re out there. And if not, they can just read this article and become a new stylish man the five of us will want to marry.

Next week: Part Two ? He Says.






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